Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 21:58:25 EDT From: Deanie Nelder Subject: Another Lonely Day (1/1) To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Disclaimer: Nick and Natalie don't belong to me. They belong to James Parriott, Barney Cohen, Sony/TriStar. I'm just borrowing them for a while...and they'll be returned when I'm done putting them (well, mainly Natalie) through the emotional wringer. This story is based on the FK episode "Only The Lonely" written by Susan Martin and scenes from it are not mine either. I'm not making any money off of this, so don't sue. No copyright infringement is intended. Permission is given to archive at Mel's FKfanfic archive and the FTP site. =20 If anyone else wants it, please ask. Author's Notes: Here it is...my very first FK story. Hope you like it. Many thanks to my wonderful beta-readers - Colleen, Karen, and Lisa. Thanks=20 for all your help, and for reassuring a nervous new fanfic author. I=20 couldn't have done it without you. This story is dedicated to Jenni W., whose hilarious "Mystery Crossover=20 Theater 3000" provided the final impetus which started me watching "Forever=20 Knight." Thanks, Jenni. This episode takes place directly after the end of "Only the Lonely," as=20 Natalie heads off to her desert vacation. **It's you that I adore So tell me why, tell me why Why do you keep your distance?** --> Jon Secada "Do You Really Want Me" "We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Author's Notes: Many thanks to my wonderful beta-readers - Colleen, Karen, and Lisa. Thanks for all your help, and for reassuring a nervous new fanfic author. I couldn't have done it without you. This story is dedicated to Jenni W., whose hilarious "Mystery Crossover Theater 3000" provided the final impetus which started me watching "Forever Knight." Thanks, Jenni. And to all those who helped me try to figure out how to get this thing posted. Thanks, guys. Timeframe: This episode takes place during season one, directly after the end of "Only the Lonely," as Natalie heads off to her desert vacation. Another Lonely Day by Deanie I turned away. I couldn't believe I turned away. If I had just kept my head straight... I'd dreamt for so long of his lips on mine, of that one perfect moment when we would finally kiss, but when the moment came...I couldn't go through with it. Somehow, to kiss after all that we had been through, with our relationship where it was, in this, this...holding pattern; it felt...dishonest. Like it would be making more of our relationship than it really was. Relationship? That was a laugh. What relationship? Leaning back into the airplane seat, I sighed. Work was exhausting enough, but my personal life was even worse. I was so tired of this circling around the truth and our feelings. I was tired of fighting him and fighting myself. I'd needed a vacation for so long, and now that I was on a south-bound plane, staring out at the late afternoon sunlight, ready to be whisked away to a fun- filled desert resort, what was I doing? Thinking about Nick...and our non- relationship. >From the moment I first saw him, I was attracted to him. I'd never felt that way about a corpse, never thought I ever could. Though I couldn't identify what drew me to him, the feeling was undeniable... I couldn't help myself, stroking his cheek with the back of my hand, lamenting the loss of a life so early and for such a noble cause. A modern-day white knight, saving innocent people from a gang robbery... I wondered what he had been like in life...if he had been as noble in life as he had been in death. Then I turned away to answer the phone. And while my back was turned, he moved... Dead bodies weren't supposed to move. I didn't have to be a doctor to know that one. Still, he wasn't dead, no matter how hard he tried to convince me otherwise. He was, though, a fearsome sight -- clothes ripped, fangs bared, body battered and healing...drinking blood from a plastic container from the lab's fridge. But despite my fear the attraction was still there. I was fascinated by him, not as a doctor, but as a woman inescapably fascinated by a very unusual man. I asked him who he was, what he was, and he said he was something very different from what I was. I didn't know how true that was...and still, I sensed that if we went beneath the surface we would find out how very alike we were. In the beginning, I said, "solving a puzzle is its own reward." I think Nick bought it. Maybe I bought it at the time, but now I knew I was lying to both him and myself. I wanted to help him because I couldn't get him out of my mind. I wanted to get to know him better, and if the only way was under the guise of doctor and patient, so be it. "Ma'am?" Breaking out of my reverie, I looked up to find the flight attendant holding out a packet of snack mix. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked. "No, nothing," I said. All I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts, alone with my dreams of him. Alone, as I have always been, retreating to my memories -- they're all I have at this point. I loved Nick the first moment I saw him, and day by day I grew to love him more. Not just because he was gorgeous, although he was...with his curly blond hair, and that little boy smile. He's more than that -- intelligent, and dedicated, and even...I think 'noble' would be the word for it, with his old-fashioned dignity and charm. Even if I had never found out he was a vampire, something in me knew I had never met anyone like him and never would. With each day that passed, though, our love became more and more difficult until I didn't know what we were to each other. We were friends, but somehow more... I used to think all that was standing in the way of our love was his 'condition.' If I could only fix that, find a cure, then we could be together. Sometimes I wondered, though, how much he really wanted to change. When it came down to it...he was still drinking the blood, still grimacing every time I gave him a protein shake, still unwilling - or unable - to eat mortal food. Even though it made him feel guilty, he was still using his vampire powers: flying, hypnotizing, and...do I even want to know what else? He was still looking for a quick fix or a magic pill - but that way never worked. Me? I didn't even know if what I was doing was helping...I thought it was the blood that kept him from crossing over, from coming back to mortality. But what if it wasn't? What if I never found a cure? What would happen to us then? Was it even possible for us to have a relationship if he remained a vampire while I stayed human? Or would he have to bring me across? He hated himself for what he had become, so I couldn't see him condemning me to the same fate. Even if he was willing, I didn't want to give up my life... To have to live in darkness, never letting anyone know what I was... To struggle daily to control the beastly hunger raging for human blood... To give up having children... I wasn't ready for that and I didn't know if I ever would be. But if it came down to giving up my human life or giving up Nick, the humanity would lose -- I couldn't imagine living my life without him. If only there was a way we could be together. I knew he was scared about what would happen if we got closer, scared of unleashing a monster he couldn't control. After what had happened with Alyce Hunter -- when a simple kiss almost led to her death -- he didn't want to take the chance with anyone. Still, I wished he'd take the chance with me. Nick felt trapped by his torment, shackled to centuries of pain. He didn't want to share his misery with me, no matter how ready I was to share. He couldn't get beyond the anguish and grief that haunted his existence. He didn't want to pull me down with him into his well of agony. If I could, I would share his torment, wash myself in the waters of his pain. I would willingly take it on myself just to give him a moment's peace. But I couldn't. He had to suffer alone, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It hurt so much and I didn't know how to stop it. I tried to distract myself, looking out the window, watching the filmy clouds barely illuminated in the growing darkness. Like his soul, smothered by the darkness of his curse... If only escaping my problems was as easy as getting on a plane. Somehow, I doubted my vacation would be able to get my mind off this heavy weight in my heart, even for a moment. Trying to shake off the memories, I flagged down the flight attendant. Maybe if I got a blanket and a pillow I could fall asleep and escape my thoughts. But I couldn't escape. Thoughts of Nick plagued my mind. Was his vampirism really why he stayed away? Why he kept this wall between us, this 'just friends' facade? Sometimes, I wondered... maybe he didn't feel for me what I felt for him...or maybe that was just my insecurity talking. How could he say he thought of me as a sister? A *sister!* What exactly is that supposed to mean? When I suggested the word, I did it with the hope that he would say he could never think of me as a sister, that he felt protective because he loved me. I mean, for a moment there in my apartment I thought Nick was jealous. At this point I'd like to see jealousy, because it would mean that he had feelings for me, even if he wouldn't admit them. And maybe he was jealous. But admitting it was more than he was capable of. So he retreated behind a veil of friendly concern. No matter what happened, he couldn't break out from behind the veil. I thought he really cared about me, but maybe that's just what I want to believe because I love him so much. Maybe he does love me. But if he can't get beyond the guilt for what he's done in the past and start to live his life in the present, with me, does it really matter? It didn't change anything -- we would never be together until he admitted his feelings. With Roger, I thought I had found someone who truly wanted to be with me. Someone who was open and honest about the way he felt. Someone cheerful and hopeful I could walk in the sun with. Once again, I was wrong. My track record with men continued to be a perfect mess when he turned out to be a serial killer. But somehow, that doesn't bother me as much as the conversation I had with Nick in the morgue. How could he have said he was happy for me, that he wanted me to date other people? Didn't he know how I felt about him? He couldn't possibly be that dense. We just continued playing this game of mutual denial - never admit how we really feel -- because airing these feelings would inevitably destroy them. Roger was a desperate attempt to try to get over Nick. He didn't seem to want to date me...so maybe I could find someone else, someone normal. Maybe deep inside I thought that jealousy would wake Nick up, to get him to admit that he wanted us to be more than friends. But somehow it had the opposite reaction. He made himself perfectly clear. He didn't want me. Not in the way I wanted him. He didn't dream like I did, of us together, holding each other, kissing...making love... Or he wouldn't let himself dream, wouldn't let himself want me. Either way, the end result was the same -- all he wanted was a *friend* and I didn't know if I could handle that when I wanted so much more. Nick told me he cared about me. For one moment, I thought that maybe the jealousy had showed him something -- that he might want a change in our relationship. For one moment, I had hope. Which made it hurt so much more when he said he wouldn't stand in the way of my relationship with Roger. Couldn't Nick see that I wanted him in the way? That I didn't really want Roger -- he was just a pale substitute for the man I loved but couldn't have? I wanted to grab Nick, to shake him, yell at him, to make him realize how much I loved him and how much more I wanted from our relationship...but I didn't... I didn't have the energy to fight him anymore. I was barely able to stop myself from breaking down in front of him, just letting the tears fall. I closed down, hid behind my work. We've both become very good from our feelings. Maybe a little too good. So I called Roger, even though he wasn't whom I really wanted. What does that old song say...if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with? Thinking about Roger, about what almost happened, I shivered. I didn't want to think of the danger I had been in. So I pulled the stale-smelling blanket over my shoulders and turned out the overhead light. Maybe I could stop the thoughts running wild in my mind and at last get some sleep. I was so scared when I finally realized that Roger was the date killer. I didn't think I would make it out of the greenhouse alive. I didn't think I would ever see Nick again. And I ran...knowing it was probably futile, but that I had to do something. And then I tripped, liked the dumb blonde that's always the first to die in every horror movie I've ever seen. As the pavement rushed up to meet me, I sent up one last prayer. Not exactly a '90's woman kind of thing to do, but I prayed that Nick would find me, would save me. Then everything went black. I woke up to feel arms tightly around me. I couldn't escape. I was going to die. Then I heard his voice, Nick's voice, murmuring into my hair. I recognized the strength in his arms, the coolness of his body as he held me. I collapsed in tears, because my prayers had been answered -- I was safe. Even after facing death, Nick made me feel so safe. He was my hero. Which brought me back to my original musing. The ending of the Roger fiasco. Why I turned away. Nick and I were alone in the interrogation room, moving closer together...our lips aiming for each other. This would be what I had been waiting for. The danger I had been in finally woke Nick up; made him realize I was more than a sister and more than a friend. Thoughts raced through my mind. How he had denied his jealously, wanted me to date other people. How he refused to admit his feelings for me. How he never said he wanted to be more than friends... Nothing in our relationship had changed. The wall was still between us, and one kiss wasn't going to change things. It would only make things worse, because then I would have a real memory of what would likely never happen again. We could never truly be together until he admitted he loved me, until I admitted I loved him...to kiss -- no matter how beautiful it would be - while our relationship was still in such a state of flux wouldn't be right. It would be another form of denial. Instead of denying our feelings, we would be - denying our denial of our feelings. It would be dishonest. So I turned away. And I felt his lips on my forehead, felt him close me in his arms. I snuggled into his chest, letting him hold me and comfort me...but as a friend... No matter how much I wanted to be more than that, for now, we were only friends. And I didn't know how to change that. With the memory of being in his arms fresh in my mind, I curled into the pillow. I was tired of all this angst. I tried to think of happier times - watching old movies in his loft, sitting on the picnic table at the company picnic, digging bullets out of his body... Like Scarlett O'Hara, I'd think of the problems tomorrow. Tonight, I was going to practice the art of denial and focus on my hopes for a happy future. Concentrating on the dream of a real relationship with Nick, I let the rhythm and hum of the plane rock me to sleep. Feedback (it's better than chocolate!) to DeanieBTVS@aol.com