A VAMPIRE CHRISTMAS STORY
                            by
                   Sister Sheila, O.C.C.
 
 
It was a dark and stormy night several years ago.  A vampire
named Nicholas was sitting in his darkened apartment looking
very sad and lonely.  For centuries he had regretted the
decision to be taken over -- to become a vampire.  He longed
to be mortal again.  The more he thought about it, the more
he despised himself and his need to feed on mortals.
Finally, in utter dispair, he cried out, "Oh, God!  Is there
nothing I can do to quit this horrible existence and become
human again!"
 
Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light.  Nick fell to
the floor and covered his eyes with his hands.  He had used
the name of the supreme being and was now going to have to
pay the price.  He waited for the smell of burning vampire
flesh but it didn't come.  Slowly he peered through his
fingers.  Beside him stood the most beautiful woman he'd
ever seen -- flowing blond hair, clear blue eyes, creamy
complexion.  She was breathtaking!  Suddenly his fear was
gone and was replaced by lust.  He must have her!  Then he
felt the change taking place -- eyes began to glow -- fangs
began to show.
 
"Put those things back where they belong!", said the woman.
"Why is it that when one of you males sees a beautiful woman
things begin popping out all over the place?  And they
wouldn't do you any good in my case; I don't have a physical
form.  What you see is my ... aura, for lack of a better
word.  I've always looked like this on the inside but did
any man ever get close enough to see?  No!  He took one look
at what he perceived as a "dog" and off he went to some
bimbo with bog boobs and big hair.  I was left to eek out an
existence as an overworked and underpaid librarian.  But I
digress ...."
 
"Who are you?", Nick asked as he slowly rose to his feet.
 
"I'm Gertrude, your guardian angel.  You may call me
Gertie."  The woman gave Nick a radiant smile as she took a
seat on the couch.
 
"Guardian angel!", exclaimed Nick in disbelief.  "But I'm a
vampire.  Do vampires have guardian angels?"
 
Gertie indicated that Nick should sit in the chair opposite
the couch and then said, "Only those who see the errors of
their ways and ask for divine guidance.  There aren't many
who do though Lord knows why.  All that lurking about in the
dark and biting strangers on the neck -- Yuck!  And the
company you keep!  Why anyone would ever want anything to do
with that creep LaCroix is beyond me.  The man's a mess.  He
doesn't just have bad hair days -- he has bad hair
centuries.  But I digress ...."
 
Nick sank into the chair and stared openmouthed at Gertie
for a moment.  "Are all guardian angels women like you?"
 
"Most are."  Gertie tilted her head to one side as she tried
to supress a grin.  "How many males do you know who'd take
on the job of trying to save some lost soul who really isn't
worth the trouble and wants you to do all the work for them?
Not many, I can assure you."
 
 
 
Gertie thought a moment and continued, "The Boss thinks
something went wrong in what you call the evolution process.
Women turned out close to the ideal but men ...."  She shook
her head and then said, "The Boss isn't sure what happened
to the men.  It hasn't happened on any planet but Earth.
Could be the pollution or proximity to Earth's sun or ..."
 
"There's life on other planets!"
 
"Of course.  You don't think you're the best the Boss could
do, do you?  She gets pretty put out with Earthlings and
their ideas about being the center of the universe."
 
"She?"
 
"Yes, she.  You mean you really bought all that stuff those
old church fathers tried to foist on humankind?"  Gertie
smiled.  "There are a few monks -- the ones who substituted
male pronouns for the female in the scriptures -- who've
been regretting it for centuries now."  Gertie chuckled,
cleared her throat, and then said, "Well, on to your
problem.  In order for a vampire to become human again, he
or she must do the following:  First, stop killing people.
Second, perform many acts of random kindness, and third,
serve for an unspecified time as an Icon of Goodness."
 
"Stop killing mortals!  But I need blood to live!",  cried
Nick.
 
"Then go out and visit a cow pasture or catch rats.  Use
your imagination.  And stop whining!"  Gertie frowned at him
for a moment before turning her head to gaze at a painting
at the far end of the room.
 
Nick took a deep breath.  "Okay, I understand.  Sorry for
the outburst.  What kind of acts of kindness are we talking
about?"
 
Gertie turned to face him.  "You possess special powers.
Use them for good.  Become a public servant -- for example,
a doctor or a librarian or a teacher or a police officer."
 
"Yes," Nick said as his face brightened, "I could to that!
But what's this icon business?"
 
"That's based on assignments made by the Heavenly Bureau of
Icons, Saints, and Role Models.  But they usually go along
with what we GAs, as we call ourselves, recommend."  Gertie
pulled a sheet of paper from the pocket of her gown.  "Let's
see.  Hmmm, the list is sort of short.  The first title on
the list is Easter Bunny ..."
 
"No!", screamed Nick as he jumped up from the chair.
 
Gertie gave him a look of annoyance.
 
Nick shuddered and then said, "I can't be the Easter Bunny.
Easter means lots of crosses around and I can't be around
crosses."
 
 
 
"Oh," said Gertie, "I see your point.  You're my first
vampire assignment so I'm a little rusty on vampire lore.
Please sit down.  If I sit too long with my head tilted back
like this, my hair gets tangled in my wings and it's the
devil ... er ... the dickens to get out.  That's better.  On
to number 2 -- oh, this looks good!  Santa Claus.  I didn't
realize that position was open.  Attila the Hun had been in
it for so long that I'd forgotten he wasn't IT permanently.
I guess he finally made apprentice assistant to angels."
She looked at Nick, "Think you can to Santa?"
 
"I - I don't know.  What would I have to do?"
 
"Oh, it's pretty easy really.  Would only take one night a
year.  You just zoom around the world leaving Christmas
gifts for good children.  I'd provide you with a list.  For
a vampire, it would be a snap -- flying throught the night
and all."
 
"Where do I get these gifts?"
 
"You'd pick them up at the North Pole, dummy.  The elves
will have them ready for you.  That's one good thing Attila
accomplished during his tenure in the job -- those elves
know their place!"
 
"There are really elves?", asked Nick looking rather
astonished.
 
Gertie laughed.  "Yes.  You know those short, fat guys who
always are so obnoixous?  When they die, they become elves
-- shorter than anything they feared in life!  And you
should see what The Boss does to their little weenies.  It's
so much fun to see the expressions on their little faces the
first time they unbutton their little pants and ....  Oh,
don't look so terrified.  You won't be turned into an elf.
Men, really!"
 
Nick looked relieved.  "That's all I have to do?"
 
"Well, it may not sound like much but it won't be easy.  Old
habits die hard.  And it may take centuries.  The Boss works
in a different time frame than her creations.  The only
thing close to it on Earth is found at Baylor University.
Now there's a place.  If you think elves are unbelievable,
you should meet .... But, I digress."
 
Gertie rose and began pacing in front of the couch.  "Let's
see.  We'll have to get you some foam padding and a suit.
You can thank Attila for the need of padding -- the man ate
far too much."  Gertie studied Nick a moment and continued,
"That peach fuzz on your face won't do; we'll have to get a
false beard.  And a mask -- yes, definitely a mask."
 
"A mask?"
 
"Yes, you're much too good looking to risk lonely housewives
seeing you come down their chimneys on Christmas Eve.  The
divorce rate would go through the roof and guardian angels
would be more overworked than ever."  Gertie rolled her eyes
then looked back at Nick and smiled.  "I'll get back in
touch with you once I've made all the preparations.  Any
questions?"
 
"How do I call you if I need you?"
 
 
 
Gertie's smile broadened.  "Oh, I'll know when you need me."
She tucked the piece of paper back into her pocket.  "Well,
I've got to be off.  There's some guy named O.J. Simpson I'm
supposed to watch for a while.  The Boss thinks he's headed
for big trouble.  I'm not looking forward to this.  From
what I hear, jocks won't listen to their guardian angels.
Oh, well, off I go.  See you soon!"
 
There was another flash of light and Gertie was gone.  For a
moment, Nick wondered if it had all been a dream.  Then he
smiled, went to the phone and called the local beef
slaughter house.  The secretary who answered the phone
seemed somewhat puzzled as to why anyone would want to buy
cow's blood but accepted Nick's answer of "scientific
research" without a question.  In a few minutes, all
arrangements were made -- he would no longer need to hunt
humans.  He then called a friend who could get him
information on jobs.  As he listened to the list of
openings, he was particularly interested in one.
 
Nick smiled to himself as he hung up the phone.  "A cop in
Toronto.  Doing good deeds and near the North Pole too.
That's the one!"
 
The End

Comments to scotts@baylor.edu or slaters@baylor.edu