From: Dianne Therese De Sha Best Worst First Line: Alma's Diaries June 5, 1995: Janette was really pissed off with me again today and now I'm grounded--although I don't know what I did wrong this time and, like, how was _I_ supposed to know the health inspector didn't _really_ want the house special anyway?. .............. **************************************************** Best Worst First Line: 1712--Downtime by...yep...me again! As Nick stood on the porch looking out on his extensive lands, lands he'd held for nearly a quarter century now and would hold at least that much more, he wished for the millionth time that something--*anything*--would happen, but as the wind whistled eerily through the empty house he knew it was simply not meant to be. ........................ ============================ Introduction to a development plan for the Navajo nation: "We believe that introducing vampirism on the Navajo nation would greatly improve many of their current problems, such as high unemployment (by making them all fabulously rich), poor transportation (roads? where we're going we don't need... roads), overpopulation (a child every 200 years or so does wonders), poor health care facilities (just invest in tweezers to get out those pesky bullets), and preservation of culture (not likely to forget those traditions now, are ya? heh, heh); the only drawbacks being the added discrimination in the nearby cities (a "hey, you killed us, now we kill you" attitude would thrive), and of course, the most important drawback being the complete and utter destruction of the Navajo religion." catheboo@cco.caltech.edu --------------------------------------------------------------- Best Worst First Line: ENCYCLOPEDIA DETECTICA (VOLUME 2: BAKER - GATEWAY) by A Braunsdorf (ab@nova.cc.purdue.edu) "And so, you see, it is obvious- from his unnatural complexion, from his intolerance of food and of sunlight, and from his aversion to the smell of garlic and to the appearance of the cross- that 'Detective' Knight is, in fact... a vampire!" "But, Holmes, you can't be serious!" Dr. Watson protested.... --------------------------------------------------- From: Christine Hawkins Subject: Worst first lines. 1) Nick sighed as he used the date stamp, and wondered why on Earth he'd taken a job on the night shift of the local library... 2) LaCroix pursed his lips as he gazed in the mirror and decided that a long, blonde, curly wig did not improve his appearance after all... 3) Nick realised that Janette's relationship with Schanke had gone too far when he walked into the Raven and found the staff serving donuts while a polka played on the sound system... ============================== From: vicki jean merriman Subject: Re: Best Worst First's "It was a dark and stormy Knight. Suddenly, a fang bit deep." Vicki ================================================= From: K Swanson Subject: Worst First Line Here's my contribution: Natalie had almost finished perming Nick's hair when he realised that if he didn't grab his skateboard and head to the Raven soon, he would miss his opportunity to beat LaCroix in the annual arm-wrestling tournament. =============================================== From: Charles S Randolph Subject: Best Worst First's It's about 1am and I was beyond bored so here I am, yet again, to share some of truly most horrid things I can come up with. K? Good. The year was 1228, Nick woke to a horrible sound of someone moaning nearby. He looked down from the table where he was lying to see LaCroix rolling on the floor in pain. "Master? Are you okay?" LaCroix looked up at him in fury, "I'll be fine once you extract my fang from your neck and return it." ========================================================= From: Sarah Welsh Subject: worst first lines The most plotless, interminable fanfic: Janette locked her door, rolled up her sleeves, and surveyed the three weeks worth of blood she had had stocked in the corner before she began her ten-year full inventory of her closet(s). The characters you never wanted to see again fanfic: Nick and Schanke looked up as Alix Logan strode toward them, calling out, "Hi! I'll be here doing research for a movie for the next month, and I can't wait for you to meet my new friend Alexandra!" The romance with no chemistry fanfic: Nick held the dark-haired vampire in his arms as he murmured, "All the time I've spent with Natalie and Janette, I was just trying to forget you, Alyce, but now we can be together forever." And the crossover fanfic from hell: When Lord Zedd joined forces with LaCroix, Nick knew he had no choice but to teleport to the command center and ask Zordon and the Power Rangers for help. =================================================== From: Christine Hawkins Subject: Re: Worst first lines. ( (fwd) LaCroix giggled excitedly and hugged himself with glee as he felt the cure begin to take effect and realized he was at long last going to achieve his most secret, cherished, soul-aching desire - a job as the drivetime announcer on the local easy listening "hits and memories" station and free reign to play as much Neil Sedaka as he wanted ... Nick screamed, his cry rising in pitch and earsplitting intensity, and his eyes widened in horror as he realized that far from turning him back into a mortal, Natalie's protein shakes had been changing him into something far more sinister ... Peewee Herman ... ================================================================ From: Maddog Subject: best worst first line Nat licked her lips, sweat appearing on her brow, no blood sucking, unholy creature of the night was going to beat her, drawing a deep breath, and fixing her opponent with a glare, she declared to Nick, "Go fish." ================================================================ From: Sandra Carson Subject: Worst first lines (worst first posting) This is the city...Toronto, Ontario. My partner's name is Knight. My name is Schanke. I carry a badge. ================================================================ From: Lynn Messing As Nicolas ne de Brabant stepped off the transported platform, he heard Montgomery Scott congratulating him, "The reconfigured transported safely beamed your vampire virus to the Klingon ship, where it'll be na tribble at all." ====================================================== From: Charles S Randolph I swear---I drempt this last night. (See what you people have done to me?) "Drink from me and live forever." Nick looked up with disgust,"Oh give it up Lestat, I've been there, done that." *bow* Who knows...this may be the only thing that I am truly good at. ;) Julie ========================================================= From: "Susan M. Garrett" In homage to my favorite novelist--Snoopy: It was a dark and stormy Knight. A coroner screamed. Janette went off. LaCroix slumped to the floor. ======================================================== From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons Not a *single* first line, more of a paragraph--but I've noticed most people are doing a few lines, too. (That was NOT meant as a cocaine pun, though some of the first lines do seem drug-induced): "Curioserest" Nick blinked, and having blinked, looked down at the wine bottle of cow's blood in his hand. It looked as if it had suddenly and absurdly changed into a bottle of white wine; and there was a large, beautifully lettered= label attached to it. DRINK ME, it said. "Oh, noooooo," wailed Nick, "Not again!!!!" The above was suggested to me by Laurie CF, damn her. The following is mine own, damn me: "Ah, Divia," said LaCroix to his Master and daughter, "your mother was *delicious*, if a bit burnt about the edges. But then, I always said she had good taste." ================================================================ From: Linda Burkey Subject: Re: bad first lines Part II Working the Knight shift at the library He was going to have to quit this job. It was just to tempting to eat the bad library patrons. Nick thought Lacroix was mean, he was a saint compared to these "blood" sucking mortal co-workers. ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha BWFL: Alma's Diaries, Volume 2. June 7, 1995. It was hot tonight. And dark. Janette was pissed at me. I think I'll go drink some blood now. Write more later.... ================================================================ From: Regina Barry I'm posting this for a friend of mine who is _internet-disadvantaged_ Author: Michael J. Haas ***** This one is in a sort of "faux Faulknerian" vein: "Best Worst First Line: Burning the Mid-knight Oil" As he recoiled in shock from the intense flames of the burning car (the perp had lost control while hurtling along Front Street with Nick and Schanke in pursuit, swerved, and rammed the car straight into the gold-flecked windows of the Royal Bank building), Nick was reminded of those awful years running from the Inquisition because he didn't cook his food in lard like a good Christian ought to (never mind that he didn't eat food regardless of what it had been cooked in), and how, when they had finally caught up with him in Granada in the summer of 1499 (no one had ever accused Isabella of Castile of slacking) but not realizing exactly who, or what, it was they had captured (though the way he had drawn back from the garlic-laden breaths of his captors should have told them something), he had spent the better part of an otherwise lovely Mediterranean evening (he could still recall with perfect clarity the scent of the orange trees mingled with the tang of the salty breeze) trussed hand and foot, steeped in a vat of newly-united Spain's best extra-virgin olive oil (he'd read somewhere that they marked the oil jars with two cherries) and set above a raging charcoal fire as they endeavored to boil him to death (which was not, he had noted with some irony at the time, the way good Christians ought to cook things, though he supposed a vat full of lard would have presented certain logistical problems, and in any event he was not really in the mood to challenge the Inquisitor on this point) without much success, and although it had been a rather uncomfortable night until LaCroix had managed to rescue him, Nick had to admit that for many years afterwards he had had wonderfully soft skin, which was certainly a serendipitous benefit of his travels in Spain, but the scent of the oil had lingered and LaCroix had never quite appreciated the joke when Nick referred to himself as the poster-boy for Pompeiian Olive Oil. ================================================================ From: Sandra Gray Two entries: Entry #1: Alyce entered the bedroom--she had always found the gaudy pink- petalled wallpaper, the dingy white woodwork, the bare uncovered bulb with its frayed cord dropping from its rusty staples in the cracked plaster ceiling, the wholly moth-eaten carpet which had faded from green to dirty gray, and the spark-emitting outlet box which cut her radio off at the most inopportune times (like when she was trying to listen to the "Nightcrawler") a comforting haven from the dirty, squalid broken sidewalks outside her poor basement apartment (although she wondered again why LaCroix didn't set her up in better "fledging" digs as she had heard he had done with Nick and Janette). Entry #2: Nick puked. ================================================= From: Linda Burkey partIII Knight shift at the library GARLIC: HOW TO USE IT WITHOUT HARMING YOUR VAMPIRE FRIENDS! Nick couldn't believe his eyes--the book was borrowed for Nat. part I Christian Crosses The note to the package read: "I'd love to help you find the light! Anyone can be saved!" Your soul helper ================================================================ From: Laurie Cohen Fenster Nick tossed aside the blood-drained corpse of Dr. Natalie Lambert and smiled at his father, the blood still dripping from his fangs. "Who's for dessert?" he asked. LaCroix smiled benevolently at his son as he sent a silent thank you to the now-deceased medical examiner. How clever of her to discover that Prozac worked on vampires! ================================================================ From: Valery King Alright, it isn't original, but here's my offering: "He was brought across in 1228... it was a Thursday, and raining again..." ================================================================ From: Sarah Welsh Humming softly to herself, a pregnant Natalie Knight cheerfully polished the silver with the corner of her frilly apron, paced across the gleaming kitchen floor with her bare feet, one eye on the clock, waiting for the time when she would be able to greet her husband at the door with a big smile when he got home from work, and thought, "Oh, Nick, who would have thought that all it took to cure you was the love of a good woman?" ================================================================ From: Perri Subject: Worst first line... Here's my contribution - the true crossover from hell. --------- "Det. Knight, my name is Constable Benton Fraser of the RCMP and I'm here with Det. Ray Vecchio of the Chicago Police Department -- well, actually Ray's here with the Police, I'm here because Det. Vecchio has never been to Canada and I thought a native guide would be of assistance, as the Canadian way of doing thing can be quite confusing to an American in my experience -- and we would like to speak to you and your partner about a disturbing trend on CBS to cancel quality programming . . ." ----------- Notice, that was one sentence! ========================================== From: Jill Bradley Subject: Best Worst First Line Natalie smiled coyly, shaking her long curly locks forward to cover the blush staining her already rosy cheeks as she murmured, "Oh Detective Knight, how you do go on so, flattering l'il ole me, just 'cause you know Ah've nevah been so far from my Daddy's farm." =================================================== ================================================================ From: Laurie Fenster A few more contributions (sigh). Not that I think these are as clever as some of the others I've seen. And I swear I will _never_ write any of these stories! Nick opened the door with a bleary-eyed expression, wondering who would be bothering him so early in the morning, to be greeted by the beaming countenance of a stranger attired in a cheap suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand, who casually propped the door open with his foot as he said "Good morning, Mr. Knight, I'm Martin J. Travers, of the Green Lawn Cemetary, and we're offering a special deal, this week only, on a wide selection of burial plots in our choicest locations, because, you know, it's never too soon, Mr. Knight, to plan for that inevitable day." I think the next one is worse: LaCroix escorted Madonna over to the table and brightly announced "Nicholas, Janette, I'd like you to meet your new sister," as she flashed them a fanged smile. Only one more (promise)! A little derivative of someone else's (sorry, forgot whose), but I couldn't resist. Having decided to redecorate his loft, and having taken 78 hours to finally decide on the paint color for the walls and ceiling (grey), Nick decided he was ready to face the next great challenge: carpeting. Then again, maybe ivory would be better for the walls than grey. Or maybe light brown... ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons "*Sidney!*" cried Nat as the tiny, furry body tensed in her arms and his = fangs sank into her throat . . . her last thought as she lost = consciousness was that she had had no idea the vampirism virus could be = contracted by a feline. ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons Here's a line for the FoDs, entitled: "Duck!", She Said Schanke threw himself to his knees in front of the vampiress who had claimed his heart, crying, "Janette, I knew you and I were fated to be eternal lovers the first time I met you . . . I've laid off the garlic for a week now, take my blood and bring me across!" ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons Here ya go, Ravenettes, wish it were a bit more clever; it's called: On The Inevitability of Death & Taxes She thought of the ancient fealty she'd sworn to him, of their history together, of the ties that bound them to one another--but enough was enough--this time, she would *never* forgive LaCroix for turning her in to the Canadian Internal Revenue for the reward. ================================================================ From: Bea Quindlen THE WURST LINE by OCaoin It was hot in the precinct -stinking hot - and the smells of humanity assaulted the sensitive nose of Detective Nick Knight, as his partner, the ever munching Don Schanke, took a healthy bite out of his blood sausage sandwich. Nick felt his fans emerge as the world took on a golden cast... ================================================================ From: Darkangel Subject: best worst line "Barney!" shouted Nick at the large purple dinosaur, who looked up from the not-quite-dead coroner with golden eyes and enormous, bloody fangs, "If you ever, EVER touch Natalie again, I'll stake you faster than you say 'baby bop'!" (i know, i know... painful, isn't it?) ============================================================== From: Lisa McDavid Subject: Best Worst First lines: What the Dickens? Ok, I really thought I could resist this. But then, I also thought I could resist Uncle .... :) "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times -- well, actually maybe it was just kind of bad because the worst in the whole eight centuries had been the night LaCroix drained a hippy who was stratispheric on LSD which got him so stoned he got a bleached buzz cut and tried to make Nick shave his head while trying to force Janette into a Vidal Sassoon unisex style that was the same as a man's -- but Nick's flashback got really hairy when he was sent off down Memory Lane by Cohen's coming on duty with purple hair from a really *bad* do-it-yourself dye job on the natural gray in her hair, since the Caddy had somehow driven itself through the plate glass window in the front of the CERK building where it had halted really, *really* abruptly inside the broadcast booth, so that Nicholas found himself blue eye to golden eye with LaCroix, who did not look at all pleased at his sudden transformation into a hood ornament." Believe it or not this sentence, while unwieldy, does not violate any rules of grammar or syntax and is not technically a run-on! The semi-colon between the two first clauses is legal. The interjection with the dashes is a perfectly good rhetorical device. I only used "and" once (which was in the interpolation). "But," "when," "since," "where" and "so that" are all acceptible as conjunctions in one compound sentence. It's the use of more than one "and" that creates a run-on. "Who did not" and so on is a normal relative clause. ======================================================= From: Deborah Menikoff Once Schanke was comfortably settled on the couch, the doctor opened her notebook, picked up her pen and asked "Now tell me Detective, when did you first begin to believe your partner was a vampire? ========================================================== From: Diane Trap "Janette turned to Nicholas, her eyes wide with fear, and exclaimed: 'The Enforcer is a giant chicken!'" ***** If you don't watch Animaniacs, the above will make no sense. ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila The music swallowed him whole as he moved through the darkened room with the ease and grace only a vampire who'd lived too long among the aristocracy could ever manage even if he was only thirteen hundred years old and the aristocracy had gone the way of the raven long before and the pigeon even longer before that and as the music died he stopped his twirl and asked the ensuing silence if anyone was watching and whether they could adjust the tracking a bit because ever since his master had left the earth to live on the new moon colony he had been making his living as a waiter and nowadays waitstaff worked over the screen like the old Virtual Reality restaurants and sometimes the colour and tracking got out of whack but he certainly couldnt fix it as he was on the other side where all good vampires lived. I don't get it, but that's what I wrote. This happens when I free associate.. just ask my therapists.. ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila Here's my second one. :) At one point or another in every person's life he or she had to face up to reality and ask what the hell was going on; Don just wished it hadn't involved two donuts in the shower, three frogs and a portable video camera held by a cameraman whistling 'When The Foeman Bares His Steel'. ================================================================ From: Kate Gibney "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!" It was a beautiful day and the sun's warmth felt so good it made Nick want to burst into song; then he remembered he was a vampire and burst into flames instead. ================================================================ From: Lynne Levine As the sun slowly sank below the horizon, its blood red tendrils gradually disappearing beneath the Toronto skyline, and the city's vampires began stirring in the beds or creaking out of their coffins, Janette stood in front of her closet flipping through dresses with an exasperated sigh as she realized she would need to leave The Raven in Alma and Miklos' hopefully capable hands for a while this evening so she could slip out to the mall for she simply hadn't a *thing* to wear. ================================================================ From: Lynn Messing As Santa put a toy vampire detecive under the tree for each child, he exclaimed, "And to all, a good Knight!" ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff This stuff is starting to invade my subconscious. I actually dreamed this last night. *************** As the sound of the "extra garlic" souvlaki crashing to the floor echoed through the precinct, Schanke was heard to say "You know Nick, a simple 'no thank you' would have been sufficent" ================================================================ From: Jeaninne Welch I was going to do a Pulp Fiction but I think It's been done. My Name Is Don Schanke, People call me Don Schanke. By Jeannine Welsh His car had broken agian, while waiting and the bus stop a man a sat next to him and started to talking, "people don't believe miracles happen, but believe me they do...". ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons Running a weary hand over his eyes, Nick shook his head at the tall, blonde fashion hag standing before him with her hand on one spandex-mini-skirted hip, and said, "Once again, *no* Ms. Stone, I will *not* bring you across just so you can stay forever, for lack of a better word, young." ================================================================ From: Shadow Nat and Nick looked at each other with disbelief... No way... This can't be... she hadn't..., he isn't,... but all they could do was stare as Janette announced to the crowd in the Raven "Elvis has just left the building". ================================================================ From: Margaret Newman "Oh, look, it's that icky guy with fangs!" ================================================================ From: Shadow Ever since that new writer came on board with freaky white spike hair, no one knew quite what to expect, even John Belushi, especially when he was handed his newest script for next weekend's skit, "SAMURAI VAMPIRE COP" by L. LaCroix ================================================================ From: Maddog Subject: best bad first line Nicholas goaded his horse into rearing as he, Janette and LaCroix approached the band of weary religous pilgrims, feeling a bit giddy from lack of blood, he shouted, "We are the Vampires who go Neee!" ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha BWFL: "In My Office--*Now*"! As Natalie stepped into the captain's office and shut the door behind her she was stunned to see Cohen's eyes glowing yellow and her fangs extending as she growled, "I think it's time to put you on a liquid diet, Doctor." ================================================================ From: Allen Braunsdorf Another one nobody wants to see: White Dopes on Punk "Uh, like, being vampires is cool and stuff!" Beavis said to his master (whom he addressed as "LaCrotch or something"), "It rules!" ================================================================ From: Shadow As LaCroix leaned over Nicholas, with eye's glowing red and fang's decended, the room became silent, a tune began playing on radio, and with an evil smile he began to sing... "Welcome Back welcome back welcome back.. Yeah we tease him alot cause we got you on the spot welcome back" (Welcome Back Kotter Theme) ================================================================ From: Sarah Welsh "Amanda, you don't know how I have longed for this moment," Don Schanke murmured as he held his lover, his boss, his raison d'etre, in his arms. ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons A dreadful story-start for those of you who wondered why he disappeared: Captains Not-So-Courageous Cohen stared down at the rapidly cooling body of her rival, whom she had finally, and irrevocably, bested, saying, "Ah, Stonetree; now *no one* will ever again beat me for first place in the Toronto 'Tidiest Precinct Offices' contest!" ================================================================ Dianne la Mercenaire... -*- BWFL: Fang Envy One warm, yet breezy night in early June, as he and Nat walked past the display of the ancient victims of La Brea, the tar pits--the ancient pools of secretive, seductive, slippery goo that trapped unwitting victims by the thousands (much as vampires had over the centuries, he mused)--through the glittering, gaily- attired, often gaudy civil servants, their friends, enemies, and relatives who were attending the special police benefit thrown each year--but earlier in the season this year, he thought--at the natural history museum to support the local volunteer blood bank (a fact which accounted for the abnormally high [even for Toronto!] concentration of vampires around) in its vitally important work--in giving back to humans what vampires could only take--without which most of the population of Ontario would have been drained dry by now, Nick noticed the coroner at his side gazing admiringly (lustfully?) at the worn, stained, empty skull of the saber-toothed tiger--dead for centuries now; he had probably been in Paris at the time--and tried to suppress his fierce envy and a nagging fear of inadequacy. ================================================================ From: Margaret Newman Subject: Best Worst Lines "It's been a horrible day what with Sydney getting stuck in the fridge and Grace's car breaking down and I left my briefcase at the vet's and then I had a meeting with the hospital administration first thing and four more bodies came in this morning and I broke a nail which wasn't as bad as breaking my glasses can you see the tape that was Grace's idea but then I tried to reboot the computer and the screen went black and the stupid tape recorder is playing tapes backwards..." ==================================================== From: Russ McMillan This was inspired by a shot of Nick's loft that I noticed when I was rewatching "The Fire Inside." I haven't noticed it in any other episodes, but in the background, behind the loft, there's a structure that looks remarkably like... As twilight descended upon the city, Nick opened his shutters to contemplate the quiet evening, then stared in horror and grabbed for his phone to call the precinct and warn them: the yellow tower behind his building stood with its door agape -- the Warner Brothers (and the Warner Sister) were on the loose again! ================================================================ From: Patricia Smouse 1. My Favorite Chauffeur The blonde and brickish owner of the almost blue, not quite green, maybe aqua vintage cadillac, with the most trunk space of any American car in decades (he knew that for sure having taken shelter there on many occasions), cringed in the passenger seat with his hands covering his blue eyes, screaming at the aristocratic, if manically laughing, driver as he raced through the intersection, "LACROIX, you do not get extra points on the driver's test for running down nuns in the crosswalk as a public service." 2. Case Closed Nick Knight retired into the night. ================================================================ From: Betsy Johnson "Skipper!" Gilligan yelled as he approached the hut, "I've found a way off the island! My new friend LaCroix said he would teach us to fly!" ================================================================ From: Jeaninne Welch Nick meet your new partner, Lt Van Helsing. and 'It's a LaCroix Dearling', Nat was modeling some outlandish out fit, " What do you think, Jeanette, took me shopping" ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff As Nick followed Schanke from the car to the farmhouse to question the witness from the previous night's crime, he couldn't help thinking that the cows he'd seen gathered near the barn had looked at him as if they *knew* what was in his fridge. ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph Having never visited the South before, Nick was not quite sure what to do as Natalie and Cohen both romped happily through the cow pasture tipping at will. ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha BWFL--Silent Partner The bovine-derived blood froze in his veins and lurched in his stomach as LaCroix's words: "I've finally done it, Nick...the one who has helped you so much in your foolish quest--*I've brought her across*" echoed in Nick's ears ...until he realized LaCroix was talking about the _cow_. ================================================================ From: Sandra Gray To continue in the "tradition" of cow lines: Cow Sweet It Is by Bruce Gray Nick entered the shower for the third time that day, hoping that *this* time the new soap he had bought from the nearby all-night drugstore would wash away the smell of...pasture. ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph Subject: BWF a continuation of the cows Okay...all this talk of cows has my "I can't stand it I must say this" side coming out all over again... *************************************************************************** They looked at one another as Natalie swiftly injected the litovuterine into Nick's arm, he doubled over in pain, Nat was swift to his side asking ,"Nick....Nick...tell me, what are you feeling?" Nick looked up and said," Moo." ************************************************************************ *****For all you do, this blood's for you ***** ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff Subject: BWFCows Nick had finally fallen asleep only to find himself in that nightmare again with the knock at the door, the small herd cows and their mournful request that he tell them what he had done with Uncle Bob. ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila Subject: Worst Best Cows Ok, now this I can do. Cow lines.. Nick felt every fiber in his body tensing as if it were on fire as the cry of the hunt called to him in the deep haunting voice of the prey which stood before him, as if waiting enthralled for the grasp of the vampire sunk deep into its bovine neck. Cow #2.. Finally Nick had found a way to counter all those moose coffee mugs and pencil-end erasers by smothering his desk with every Holstein print knick-knack (Nick-knack?) in Toronto. ================================================================ From: Jill Bradley "Nat," Nick gasped as he crawled into the morgue on all fours, "what's happening to me--I'mmmmoooooooo..." OR Nick looked into the mirror unbelievingly, trying to fathom why his skin would suddenly start to sprout large patches of black and white hair...and were those tiny *horns* poking out of his forehead? OR Nick began to sensuously lick Janette's neck; after a moment she turned to him and asked, "Nicola, why is your tongue so *rough*?" ================================================================ From: Bea Quindlen Sorry, I couldn't let "cows" go by (out to pasture?) without milking it for all it was worth. - Natalie Lambert knelt on the floor, udderly helpless as Nick writhed next to her, the pain in his stomach becoming more unbearable with every second while somewhere in the loft a radio, tuned to CERK, began to softly play "Grazin' in the Grass" as she mumbled over and over, "You're so bull-headed, I told you that you weren't ready for Ben & Jerry's Bovine Brownie..." ================================================================ From: Jill Kirby Nick clutched his cow-tipping trophy close to his chest, realizing with a sob of joy that the Cure had given him more than he had ever dreamed of... ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff Even though this job had always been a secret dream of his , Nick was feeling very nervous and found it necessary to take a deep breath before he switched on the microphone, leaned foward and announced "This is CERK and I am the Knightcrawler." ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph He was there, she was there...they had waited for this moment for so long...why did Nat feel tis sudden urge to milk him? ================================================================ From: D Echelbarger ------------------ Nick stood over Nat's body, his gun in his smoking hands.... ------------------ ================================================================ From: Abby Nat knew she shouldn't have let Nick pick the Halloween costume when she saw him put on the paper mache cow head. ================================================================ From: Kenyon Stuart As Nick stood out in the sun, he thought of how strange it was that Nat's protein shakes couldn't cure him, but worked as a suntan lotion with a SPF of 5000. ================================================================ From: Lady Rhian She wasn't sure exactly what had happened, except that two days ago she'd been brutally attacked by some strange creature sand now she had a strange craving that no food could satisfy and she had one thought as she slipped towards her sleeping victim, licked her broad lips with a very pink tongue, mooing softly as she drew nearer: What would Farmer Brown think of his Bessie now? Yeah, yeah-- I know. But wait, there's more... Nick was flying through the nighttime sky over Toronto, enjoying the feel of the cool night wind on his face and hair, when a shadow crossed his vision, the shadow of another vampire, dressed entirely in black and with a cruel smile on his face as he drew right up to Nick and extended a bloody severed hand to him, intoning "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?" And, the worst yet... Nick waited by the carved ebony door of the dark mansion, pacing nervously, hoping against hope that this other vampire, a master vampire, could help him be free of his compulsion to hunt mortals for their blood, because he'd heard that this particular vampire had overcome that craving long ago and could now subsist on real food... human food, if stories were to be believed, and he knew that all his hopes rode on this one person, who he hoped could help him, the famous Count... Duckula! ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila Nick sat quietly on the coroner's examining table waiting anxiously for the news; when Natalie turned the horror in her face made its trembling way into her voice and into Nick's soul as she told him, "I'm sorry, Nick, it's Hoof and Mouth." ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila Nick lay back on his bed, staring gloomily at the ceiling and listened to the words reverberate in his head which once agaion told Natalie that he couldn't risk being with her that way; how could he ever tell her it was not because he was afraid of losing control, but rather that he could not bring himself to tell her she'd have to wear the cow bell for him to get aroused? ================================================================ From: Linda/Aleksandra A wicked grin lit Lacroix's pale features as he delightedly stuffed the last hideous Jack into the last tiny box and hurredly pulled out his long mailing list--this was shaping up to be the best April Fool's Day ever! ================================================================ From: Amparo Agnes Bertram The three vampires sat huddled around the flickering campfire in the depths of the moonlit forest, and as a lonely hunter making his way home chanced to pass by the shrouded figures he could almost swear he heard their ghostly voices harmonizing the words to an arcane chant, the haunting melody floating out into the night's abyss: "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream..." ================================================================ From: "M. Martin" Nick cringed as LaCroix, backlit by the the burning city, mocked, "Poor Nicholas, always trying to do the good deed only to have it backfire in such a ridiculous manner - frightening Mrs. O'Leary's cow with those antics of yours really wasn't what you had in mind, was it?" Or, the shorter version: Nick knew it was going to be one of those centuries as he left Mrs. O'Leary's shed. ================================================================ From: Kate Gibney Speaking of crossovers from hell - Sam Beckett leaped into the body of ace reporter Peter Hunt, who, according to Ziggy, was on his way to interview Captain Amanda Cohen regarding the intergalactic incident caused by the arrest, for failure to obtain proper authorization before time-traveling into present day Toronto and for really bad acting, of Captain James T. Kirk by one of her detectives, Nicholas Knight, who was, at that very moment, in a flashback to the 1960's, when he was a cop in Chicago and came upon his partner involved in a duel with someone who inexplicably kept yelling, "There can be only one!" over and over until, of course, his head was removed, thus ending the rather annoying repetition. ================================================================ From: Lisa Wolters Nick snarled and reached for the bottle as Natalie held it out of his grasp, rolling her eyes and saying, "Don't have a cow, man!" (with apologies to Bart Simpson) ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha BWFL: Dentures from Hell Due to Nat's most recent "cure" Nick was no longer invulnerable, although he still vamped out regularly--a condition that lead (after a particularly nasty fight) to his current predicament: Now where *had* he put that prosthetic fang? ================================================================ From: Bea Quindlen THE WURST LINE It was hot in the precinct -stinking hot - and the smells of humanity assaulted the sensitive nose of Detective Nick Knight, as his partner, the ever munching Don Schanke, took a healthy bite out of his blood sausage sandwich as Nick felt his fangs emerge as the world took on a golden cast... ================================================================ From: Bea Quindlen PRESENTS... by OCaoin Nick stumbled downstairs, still hungover from the surprise "Nameday" party thrown by Janette and, while wondering what had happened to all the presents he's been given, grabbed a bottle from the 'fridge absentmindly biting the cork only to discover where the pewter topped wine corks had been placed, resulting, of course, in an emergency phone call to the only "open-all-night" vampire dental office in Toronto. ================================================================ From: Celeste Hotaling-Lyons First/Worsts/Bests(?) = Recruitment Posterboy Thrown to the floor by the Enforcers, Nick moaned, holding his hands up in front of his face as if to ward away the evil that stood before him; but Ron, the head of the Enforcers, just reached down and shook the vampire detective's right hand heartily, saying, "Nicholas de Brabant, or it is 'Knight' these days, great pun that; tell me, Nick, have *you* ever considered a career in law Enforcement?" And yet another: Apocalypse When? The blood-red moon hung low in the orange Vietnamese sky, and LaCroix, Master Vampire extraordinaire, breathed deep, crying, "How I love the smell of napalm in the evening!" ================================================================ From: Betsy Johnson Well since no one else has done it yet... Nick's eyes widened, his brain was struggling to grasp to information relayed by his sight, it couldn't be, but it was- a purple cow! ================================================================ From: Christine Hawkins All right, all right, I came up with another one last night. Nick grinned boyishly as he opened the first photograph album and said: "I'm so glad you could make it, Natalie - I've a hundred years of holiday snaps and no one else to share them with!" - while Natalie held her breath and hoped earnestly that Nick wouldn't have a flashback for each picture. Must be something in the water. :-) ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph Nat shot the litovuterine into Nick's arm and was shocked as he fell to the floor in pain; as she pulled him up screaming "What ar you feeling?" his eyes cleared and he said, "Moo." ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff All Nick could do was keep repeating "I owe *how* many years back taxes?" "Today on Oprah, radio personalities and their audiences with our guests; Rush Limbaugh, Howard Stern and ... The Nightcrawler." Despite their preternatural speed, neither Janette nor Miklos were quick enough to stop the inebriated young woman from clambering over the bar and annoucing "Well then, I'll show you how to make a Zombie Beachcomber." ================================================================ From: "Susan M. Garrett" Nick could pin down exactly when it was that he'd decided that LaCroix to be destroyed--he was channel surfing one afternoon and stumbled across LaCroix's entry into the children's television market, 'The Mighty Morphin Vampire Rangers.' ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha BWFL: 'Mo Sheep for the Wicked Schanke and Nick stood silent in the darkness of the deserted street, guns drawn, hearts beating fast (well, "fast" and "faster," respectively) as they faced this new and most terrifying menace--whole *herds* of sheep roaming the Toronto night in search of... well... whatever vampiric sheep are in search of.... ================================================================ From: Jill Bradley "Nick, I'd like you to meet another of your ilk," LaCroix said contemptously, "and it's not only cows--may I present Ole McDonald." ================================================================ From: Maddog uhm... too much late night court tv is to blame.. Toronto Homocide; where the men are men, the women are women, and the vampires are detectives. ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff Subject: BWL Not a funny one. In fact it made me sad just writing it. Janette walked into Nick's loft, meaning to give him a piece of her mind for calling her away from the Raven on such a busy night, but when she saw his face and read the goodbye note Schanke had left (which Nick held out without a word), the flippant remark she had been about to make died on her lips and she simply sat down and held Nick's hand. <*sniff*> ================================================================ From: Bea Quindlen Lucien LaCroix looked across the sea of apprehensive faces, some registering fear, others false bravado and a precious few the calm acceptance of their fate, as he raised his hands, stick tightly held by the left one, a hush fell, strains of music whispered over the gathering and the All-Night Chorale Society began it's first selection..."We are poor little lambs who have gone astray, Baa, Baa, Mooooo.............NICHOLAS!!!!!! ================================================================ From: Kenyon Stuart Just a reminder that there has been more than one Knight in the tv universe. The cast and crew of Baywatch knew this would not be an ordinary episode when they say David Hasselhof, skin smoking in the morning sun, yelling to whatever higher (or lower) beings control the tv universe that his character on Knight Rider had been **Michael** Knight, not the vampire Nick Knight. or maybe Michael Knight was a vampire. here are a couple of lines from the opening credits of Knight Rider. while they may not make good first lines for a bad story, they did serve as first lines for a bad series and do sound like a certain vampire detective. Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law. ================================================================ From: Maddog Subject: bwfl - cows included its gotta be somebody else's fault... one dark night when the sun was shining, two dead vampires got up to fight, back to back they faced each other drew their cows and had their dinner ================================================================ From: Heather Parks It's Bird.... by Heather Parks It's bird, it a big black Chopper, No it's NIck Knight. ================================================================ From: Thus quoth the gila Subject: BWFL "A vampire walks into a bar.." ================================================================ From: Dianne Therese De Sha Subject: BWFL: Haute Couture ************************************************************** BWFL: Haute Couture LaCroix stared in horror as she entered the room, not because she was back--his daughter, his maker, his eternal torment-- but because, in an attempt to appear the mortal child she'd not been for millenia, Divia wore a jumpsuit on which cavorted the large, smiling, *frighteningly* familiar figure of a purple dinosaur.... ================================================================ Subject: BWFL - Career Choices All things considered, despite the fact that his departure from Toronto had been hasty indeed, Aristotle *still* could have found a better career for him in this new life, Nick thought irritably as he again read the sign on his new office door: Nicholas Smith: Nutritionist and Aroma Therapist. -- ================================================================ From: Catherine Boone "Hi, I'm Nick, and over there's Lacroix (waves), and this is... NICK'S WORLD, NICK'S WORLD, PARTYTIME, EXCELLENT!" ================================================================ From: Rick Jones Nick's eyes widened with suprise, "Janette, _you're_ Carmen Sandiego?" ================================================================ From: Lynn Tucker I can't compete in the "Best Worst First Line" category, so I decided to stop lurking just this once and create my own category: The WORST Worst First Line! Continue at your own risk... ***** Crossover from hell (an homage to those who write crossovers without actually watching one of the shows in question -- which is to say, I watched Time Trax exactly once.) Natalie simply stared at Darien in shock as he said to the woman who had come out of his credit card, "Look Selma, I found Mom!"; to which the hologram replied, "Congratulations, Captain Lambert! I never realized when people said you were a bastard they meant it literally!" ***** Okay, okay, that one's pretty bad. But here's the obligatory "cow line" to make up for it (or make it worse, I'm not sure which): Natalie had known from the beginning that it would be hard to wean Nick off the blood, but she didn't realize just HOW hard until the day she walked into his apartment and found him with his fangs buried in the neck of a stuffed cow. ***** ================================================================ From: Pamela Rush A BWFL Challenge: "Wither the Moose?" He watched appreciatively as the loose-fitting moose (or possibly caribou) pajama shirt slipped down on one side, revealing an expanse of luminous skin stretched over a slender neck and softly rounded shoulder, the pale expanse sloping towards the suggestion of softer curves below the edge of the moose (or possibly caribou)-patterned fabric as she lifted the heavy goblet to her eager lips, her hand nearly enveloped by the too-long cuff of the moose (or possibly caribou) pajama sleeve, allowing the rich, ruby liquid to trickle down her throat and drawing his attention to the shadowed hollow above her collarbone where he imagined he could see the flutter of a pulse, or possibly it was only the rush of the fiery libation, and he wondered if the new fabric softener had really made that much difference or it it were just his imagination. STUDY QUESTIONS: 1. Discuss the symbolic meaning of moose (or possibly caribou) pajamas to Canadian men. 2. Where was the fabric softner applied? 3. There is no question four. ================================================================ From: Deborah Menikoff Subject: BWFLine Nick was surprised to see Schanke standing in the Raven speaking with Janette but nothing could prepare himfor the schock he felt when he heard Janette say "I'm flattered that you thought of me, and please tell your wife that I would be delighted to speak to her group about "How to Succeed in Business in a Man's World any evening next week." ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph Try not to gag or throw things at me please. LaCroix ran into the Raven breathless as Janette and Nick stood watching him with obvious chagrin until he stopped in front of them trying to speak,"Oh My..My...the Horror...the horror, I just saw Elvis..he is alive and he is a vampire." ================================================================ From: Charles S Randolph Nick ran into the Raven buck naked and while Janette applauded loudly he looked at LaCroix and exclaimed,"Guess what...I was abducted by aliens." *** My eternal apologies for that. Julie ================================================================ Okay--I'd like to apologize now for this, but...I couldn't help myself. And yes, as an English major, I am aware this is a huge run-on sentence...but ONLY ONE. ************************************************************************ Nick and Nat were at her apartment, all that could be heard was the conversation taking place behind closed doors; Nat said "Would you just pull it out?" and Nick said ,"No, it's too big, leave it there." and Nat said,"If we don't get it out now, we're going to have big problems." and Nick said,"Fine, I don't care just stop touching it." and Nat sighed,"You are the only man I know who whines about a splinter." ************************************************************************ Try not to hit me with anything solid. :) Cheers! Julie ================================================================ Best Worst First Line: ENCYCLOPEDIA DETECTICA (VOLUME 2: BAKER - GATEWAY) by A Braunsdorf (ab@nova.cc.purdue.edu) "And so, you see, it is obvious- from his unnatural complexion, from his intolerance of food and of sunlight, and from his aversion to the smell of garlic and to the appearance of the cross- that 'Detective' Knight is, in fact... a vampire!" Holmes proclaimed as I looked on in utter astonishment. ================================================================ From: Lady Rhian Nick watched in amazement as Schanke did a triple flip past him and knocked the running perp down, but as he was about to exclaim, "How did you do that?!?!?!", Schanke pulled the plastic bag from out of his back pocket, kissed it, and murmured, "Must be the pretzels!" ================================================================ ================================================================ From: "Liz A. Vogel" I just couldn't resist the barnyard theme. Apologies to Anne Wortham & Leah Rosenthal. ^^^^^ Nick dragged the curly-haired fellow in the baggy sleeves up to the desk and said, in his best voice, "Book him," then added in response to the desk sergeant's questioning look, "Domestic waterfowl molestation -- three counts -- and incitement to riot." ^^^^^ If you're not into Blake's 7, don't worry about this; just assume it's sick. ================================================================