Date: 96-11-04 01:30:47 EST Poster: Cat MacLean Subject: Can't Forget You (01/8) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - CAN'T FORGET YOU (1/8) Rating: I imagine this would be a PG-13 or so for language. Disclaimers: All standard disclaimers apply with regard to Nick and Company; also regarding the song woven throughout this story. No infringement is intended or implied. Author's note: What is it with me and every song I hear? Has anyone else out there ever _not_ been able to find a song they could get a storyline out of? Just a brief introduction of a new character; enter Carol, Assistant Coroner. (Natalie really has been working too hard and needs the help.) Carol married the man of her dreams while in college, dropping out of medical school, but her dreams turned into nightmares when he became physically abusive to her. The trauma of the abuse and subsequent messy divorce has caused her to have a cynical opinion of men in general and those men who seem to use women for their own ends while not committing anything of themselves in return, in particular. She's really a marshmallow, though, crusty on the outside, warm and gooey on the inside. She's a bit older than Natalie and has become, as Nat calls her, 'the older sister Natalie never wanted'. So, she belongs to me. Enough said. Enjoy...Thanks ever so... CAN'T FORGET YOU (1/8) The pain was so excrutiatingly sharp, so intensely violent, she fell to her knees, hand on her heart. Gasping, unable to stand, she begged, please God, I can't take it anymore. She thought of a line from a movie; 'I know I have a heart, because it's breaking.' A ragged sob forced it's way out. She sat there, unmoving, uncaring, numb to all thought; but she could still feel. Loneliness, despair, all the empty, hollow 'why' feelings washed over her in waves of physical pain. Her throat was raw, her face and eyes swollen and puffy. She didn't even have enough strength left to keep up the anger. She was drained, spent, worn with the strength of the emotions pounding into her. And the guilt, that was the worst. She nearly laughed in spite of herself; guilt had always been Nick's favorite emotion. She really shouldn't have said those things she'd said, done the things she'd done. She'd known at the time that it was a mistake, that she was jeapordizing everything she had, needed, wanted from him. But, she had not been able to stop herself; it had been like watching a stranger moving through time, slowly, inexorably to a bitter end. She knew he didn't; no one deserved what she'd said to him in her pain. But even at the moment it had happend, when Natalie had desperately tried to stop herself, when she couldn't, she'd had seen only guilt and suffering in his blue eyes. A large, furry head butted gently but insistently under her chin. Two stong paws began kneading her knees as she knelt on the floor. Idly, Natalie stroked the soft fur, rubbing between the cat's ears. How did animals know when you were in pain? Sidney always came and slept on her feet when she was sick with a cold or the flu. Her feline hot water bottle, she'd called him. She gathered him to her and cuddled the plushy body; he was her only comfort, the only one she could pour her story out to. And not be locked up, that is. When his human had come home from his place tonight, Sidney had known something was wrong. He always had his radar working when she came from seeing him. 'That man' usually upset her in some way or another. Tonight he could tell that there was something very, very wrong. Sidney had ignored his food and milk to come and twine around her feet, purring encouragement. And then she'd slipped to the floor, exhausted and forlorn. She slumped to one side and leaned against the couch. She buried her face in her arms and gave in to the pain. Even with her eyes shut she could see the empty loft, heavy metal shutters closed, dust drapes covering all the furniture. She didn't know, didn't care. Alarmed at her ragged sobbing, Sidney jumped on the cushions and rubbed her cheek with his. She'd known this day would come, feared that this day would come. But, there had always seemed to be more time, more time to change the future. Now, there was no time left at all... to be continued...comments to: -- Cat MacLean N&N Packer with Shades of Grey Closet Vaquera/2nd Cousin Once Removed (am I the only FK fan in San Diego?) Date: 96-11-04 20:28:12 EST Poster: Cat MacLean Subject: Can't Forget You (02/8) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - CAN'T FORGET YOU (2/8) (See disclaimers and notes in part 1.) *There's a part of me that's dying every time I hear your name. *There's a part of me that trying to bring back your love again. *There are times when I just want to run but there's no place to hide. *Even though my heart is breaking in a million bits inside. *I can make believe that none of this is true. Natalie had booked off work for two days straight and Carol wasn't buying her bad knee story anymore. Natalie knew she could tell Carol the truth, most of it anyway. But Carol had never really approved of the way Nick treated Natalie; or the way Natalie allowed Nick to treat her. Carol had a problem getting beyond her own experiences when it came to men and she'd taken it upon herself to see that Natalie didn't get hurt like she had. Oddly, Natalie felt that by admiting just how much Nick's leaving had hurt she'd be betraying him. Natalie rolled over on the couch and threw an arm across her eyes. She hadn't eaten or showered since she'd come home that night. She knew she was a sight. All she'd been able to manage was to feed Sidney once or twice and think endless whirling thoughts. Oh, yes, she'd also been able to break a few things against the wall in one magnificent fit of fury. Grimly, she thought, Once in the shower, the hot water coursing over her seemed to sink into her very being, washing away some of the pain of his desertion. She stepped out of the shower and toweled her hair vigourously as if to rub all negative thoughts out of her head. Hours later, Natalie struggled into her apartment loaded with bags. She tossed her purse on the table. But the shopping spree had actually helped a bit. She decided to bite the bullet and go back to work the next day. Maybe she'd even get a few comments on her new look. It might help a bit; even she knew that her sagging self-esteem needed a boost. Carol had known her two day absence had something to do with Nick as soon as Natalie opened her mouth to offer an excuse for her absence. "Don't, Nat, you don't have to tell me. I don't know what he did, but that rat did something to you, didn't he?" Carol was indignant on Natalie's behalf. She went on before Natalie could say a word. "He didn't hurt you, hit you or anything I mean?" Carol looked her up and down, searching her face for signs of bruises. "No, nothing like that, Carol." Natalie took a deep breath. He could have, she really wouldn't have blamed him if he'd retaliated for what she'd done to him, but he hadn't. Again, she asked herself just what demon had posessed her to rage at Nick the way she had. "He's gone and I just want to put it behind me." Her voice was cracking, but she stood up tall. "OK, kiddo. If you want to talk, you know I'm here." Carol moved to hug her. "You know you can tell me anything; you've been there for me." "No, don't. Don't be nice to me, Carol and I'll get through it." Natalie stiffened and took a small step away from her friend. "It's over, he's gone...and well, I guess I've got lots of work to catch up on, right?" Work would be the best remedy for her depression, she knew that. "Come on, fill me in." Carol filled her in to the extent that Natalie didn't have a moment to think for herself for two more days. There was work for four ME's and she and Carol were it. There were the usual Saturday night knife fights, a couple of suicides, three or four fatality automobile accidents; nothing particulary gruesome or grisly. And nothing that would have prompted Metro homicide to send anyone to see her. Briefly, Natalie thought about Tracy Vetter, Nick's partner. Now that she thought about it, he must have made some connections with Metro or Reese would have been beating down her door for information. Natalie sat carefully at her desk and deliberatly picked up the phone. Nope, not the redial number. That was Nick's cell phone. "Vetter," God, she was perky. "Hi, Trace. It's Natalie." She forced her voice to sound normal and calm. "Nat, long time no see. Well, a week or so, anyway. What's up?" "Nothing special, Trace. I was gone for a few days and I thought I saw a message here from you." "Gee, I don't remember calling your office. Oh, well, I've been up to my eyeballs around here with Nick gone, you know. I'm supposed to get a new partner pretty soon, but nobody's panned out yet." "A new partner, huh? That's going to take some getting used to." Natalie put all the concern she could muster in the question. Maybe Tracy would spill everything she knew. "Normally, I'd tell Reese I could handle things on my own, but considering we have no idea when Nick will be back, I'll take the help." Natalie made a comiserating noise. Tracy seemed to think Nick would be back. Now to find out where he'd gone. "He didn't give you any idea, Trace? That doesn't sound like Nick." "What am I thinking, Nat? Surely, he told you how long he'd be gone. Maybe that's why I called you." She could hear Nick's voice in her head 'Tracy's a good cop.' But, she was having a blonde moment now. "Actually he didn't tell me much either, Tracy." "I'm sure he'll give us a call when things settle down. Family emergencies can be so involved." "Nat, you still there?" "Yeah, well, gotta go, Trace. If you hear, let me know, will you?" There was a plantive note in her voice that she hated to acknowledge. "Sure, Nat. You too, OK? Bye." Natalie carefully replaced the receiver. Smooth, Nick, very smooth. After 800 years of covering mysterious disappearances and appearances he would be very, very good at it. It looked like he'd left no stone unturned in covering his tracks. Almost no stone, anyway. Natalie rested her chin on her hands, elbows on her desk and sighed. She barely caught herself as her arms slipped out from under her as folders started cascadeing off her desk. Her desk needed desperately to be tidied before someone got hurt. She hunted around the office until she found several boxes; one for achive files, one to the lab, one for trash. Methodically, she checked every piece of paper on her desk and tossed it into the proper box. She found an interesting array to be sure. Two or three files she'd been scouring the entire ME's office for were in the first pile; they'd been under her nose all along. She unearther business cards of people she didn't even remember meeting, cryptic notes on various subjects. They were in her own handwriting and she'd couldn't even decipher them. In the very back of one drawer was an empty, crumpled bag that had once held choclate kisses. Working nights took it's toll on a girl. She moved on to the rest of the drawers. Slowly, she pulled out the large journal she had kept secreted in the bottom-most drawer under some empty folders. Her history of all the work she'd done with and on Nick. Tears threatened to break through her facade of calm. She sniffed and reached for a tissue. She ran a loving hand over the leather volume. This constituted three years work, three years of her life. Futile. Hopeless. Wasted time, wasted years, wasted tears. It was just so much recyclable paper now. With a resolute heave she tossed the journal into the trash box. to be continued...comments to: -- Cat MacLean N&N Packer with Shades of Grey Closet Vaquera/2nd Cousin Once Removed (am I the only FK fan in San Diego?) Date: 96-11-05 02:58:46 EST Poster: Cat MacLean Subject: Can't Forget You (03/8) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - CAN'T FORGET YOU (3/8) (See disclaimers and notes in part 1.) Days turned into weeks, empty weeks without him. Natalie tried harder than ever to bury herself in her work but it was useless. Thoughts of Nick would come to her randomly, at the most inconvenient moments. Up to her elbows in an bloody autopsy she'd remember how she'd had to shoo Nick away from the table in their first months together. He'd naturally been drawn to the blood and had been constantly in her way. More than once she'd actually thrown him out of her lab so she could get some work done. And he'd gone...contrite. Every time she spoke to the precinct about one case or another, she expected to hear his voice on the other end of the line. At homicide scenes whe kept looking for his caddy. Late at night in the lab, she found herself listening for his quiet footsteps. More than once she imagined a chilly breath on her neck and had spun around to face only darkness. Sitting at home on her night off watching videos, she recalled his uproarious laughter at the vampire movies they'd watched. The inaccuracies of Hollywood amused him more than anything she'd ever seen. When she and Carol ordered takeout from the Chinese place down the street from the office, Natalie didn't have to stipulate 'no garlic' in her dinner for fear of making Nick ill from the smell. Millions of little things reminded her constantly of their time together, good and bad. The hesitant touches, the interrupted glances, the infinite sadness in his eyes when he couldn't trust himself to hold her, the desperation in hers to have him hold her, just one more time. Little by little, Natalie came to realize that no matter what he'd done to her, what she'd done to him, she loved him. Loved him to the exclusion of all his faults. And he certainly came with more baggage than your average mortal. Was he coming back? Could he forgive her for the way she'd treated him? She couldn't even remember exactly what had set her off in fury at Nick; her anger had been replaced by remorse. The question never seemed to be out of her thoughts. Was he coming back? Tracy and Reese had not heard a word since Nick's abrupt departure. They both seemed to be getting on with their lives; why couldn't she? One evening as she and Carol sat companionably, sharing dinner at the lab, Natalie was jolted rudely out of her reverie. "Why don't you just admit it, Nat?" Carol was looking intently into her face. "What?" Natalie looked up from her plate in surprise. "That rat bastard means more to you than you want to admit, doesn't he? You're still in love with him!" Exasperation was clear in her voice. "No, I don't...I don't...anymore." "Look at yourself, girl. You hardly speak unless spoken to, you've turned down four offers of dates that I know about, you look like you're going to your own funeral. For cryin' out loud, you're so distracted in the lab, I'm afraid you're going to stick a scapel in your hand without even knowing it." Carol put her hand over Natalie's. "Admit it, Natalie." "I can't." Natalie closed her eyes in a futile attempt to keep the tears from showing. "Even if I admit that I still love him, there's nothing to be done about it." She opened her eyes and stared off into space. "He's gone." "So, go find him." "What?" "I said, go find him, Natalie. If 'Nick the Brick' hasn't got the sense to come back to you, go find him and let him know what's he giving up." "It's not that simple, Carol." If only Carol knew how complicated things really were. "Bull, Natalie. I know you. If you want something, you go get it." Carol took both of Natalie's hands in hers and squeezed, forcing Natalie to look at her. "I can't." Natalie shook her head and let the tears fall freely. "Natalie, you know I never approved of Nick. I still don't, but I can't help but believe that anyone you love so much can be all bad. I mean, even I can see that you're only one half of a whole without him. Whatever happened between you two, you can work it out. I have faith in you, Nat. Go find him. Before it's too late and you never forgive yourself." Natalie loosened Carol's grip and stood. "I'm sorry, Carol." Then she was gone. *But I can't forget you, can't break free *I only have myself to blame, nothing feels the same without you. *Can't you see, we can find tomorrow what we lost yesterday. *What we lost yesterday. Carol's words had been sinking slowly into Natalie's conscious mind. The bottom line was this; did she love Nick enough to put her pride on the line and give him one more chance, give herself one more chance? What if he didn't want her one more chance and rejected her out of hand? And looking for him in the community would mean putting more than her pride on the line. It very well could mean putting her life on the line. He had left with no word for her, after all. That seemed to indicate that he didn't want her anymore. Her deepest heart still didn't believe that Nick would leave her, he had to know that she loved him (even after what she'd said and done), that he still loved her, he just didn't realize it. So, she'd go looking. The first place to start was obvious; the Raven. And LaCroix... Natalie pushed the heavy door open and sunlight streamed into the club before her. "Close the door!" Janette's bartender recognized her and wasn't happy to see her. "I'm looking for LaCroix." Natalie summoned up her courage. "Not here." Miklos was non-commital. "How about Janette?" Natalie persisted. "Not here...why do you want to know?" Now he was suspicious _and_ unhappy to see her. "I need to speak with them." She wasn't going home without an answer. "Not here," he muttered again. "It's extremely urgent." She had to give it one more try. Miklos snorted and turned his back on her. Natalie started for the door in disgust. A dead end, pardon the expression. Suddenly a thought came to her, a dangerous thought and she turned back to the bar again. There just might be a couple of other people she could ask. And those people just might be downstairs in the private quarters. Quietly as she could, hoping she was unseen, Natalie slipped through the side door to the stairwell and hurried down into the cellars of the club. As she stood in the dim hallway, trying to decide how to proceed, the decison was made for her. Icy hands gripped her throat and a masculine voice growled at her. "How did you get down here?" he demanded. Natalie slapped at his hands to get enough breath to answer the question. As her struggles brought her face into the light, she heard a startled oath in Spanish and her feet hit the ground again. "Natalie. What the hell do you think you're doing?" Vachon looked as embarassed as she felt. "I could have killed you." "Looking for you actually. Didn't know I be so good at it." Absently, she felt her neck for signs of broken bones. "Sorry, come on. We can talk in here." Vachon pulled her behind him into an empty room furnished as an office. "Now," he said as he deposited her in the single chair. "What are you doing here?" "I need to find Nick." That was the truth. She didn't just want to find him. She needed to find him. "I figured LaCroix or Janette would be able to tell me where he is, but apparently they're 'not here'." Vachon knelt down in front of her. "No they're not. And no, I don't know where they are either." He shook his head. "And I'm not sure I'd tell you if I knew." "Why not, Vachon?" She was genuinely puzzled. "Because you don't belong here, Natalie. You don't belong to this world. It's not meant to be." "How dare you! How dare you say that to me?" How could he say that to her. "Is that what you tell Tracy, Vachon?" He stood up and moved as far away from her as the room permitted. Glaring at her from amber eyes he snarled, "Don't talk to me about Tracy." "Why not? What's the difference between Tracy and you and Nick and me?" Nick seemed to accept Tracy's feelings for Vachon while unwilling to admit his for Natalie or Natalie's for Nick. "Because she wants to come across. The only thing keeping her on your side is the fact that Knight threatened to kill me if I did it. But she wants it." "So do I." Natalie spoke before she thought. "Really, Natalie? Since when? Have you decided that since you can't make Knight mortal, you'll become one of us? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em? Just what does Knight think of that, I wonder?" Vachon's voice was dripping sarcasm. "That's one reason I need to find him." Only she realized that Vachon had forced her to admit the truth. She did want to come across. If she did, she could still search for a cure and then bring both of them back across into the light. "I'm through wasting time." Startled, she realized that she had spoken aloud. "OK, Natalie. I'm sorry. Losing time is one thing I do understand." He regretted every day spent without Tracy's company. And if Natalie could convince Knight to bring her across, then there was a chance he'd relent and not kill Vachon for bringing Tracy over. "So, you'll help me? Find him, I mean." Hope rose in Natalie's eyes. "Wish I could. But I really don't know where they are." "They?" She had meant Nick. What they was he talking about? "LaCroix, Janette and Knight." Vachon looked up at Natalie's indrawn breath. "I thought you knew that much. They're all together. Somewhere." "No, no I didn't." Her voice was low. But she was still resolved to find him. Find him before things made sense again and she lost her nerve. "Thanks anyway, Vachon. I'll go now." "I'm sorry, Natalie. Let me take you to the door." At least he could do that much for her; see her safely out into the light. to be continued...comments to: -- Cat MacLean N&N Packer with Shades of Grey Closet Vaquera/2nd Cousin Once Removed (am I the only FK fan in San Diego?) Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 20:35:33 -0800 From: Cat MacLean Subject: Can't Forget You (04/8) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - CAN'T FORGET YOU (4/8) (See disclaimers and notes in part 1.) *There are nights when I lay wide awake thinking how good it could be. *Other nights I don't feel worthy of the love you gave to me. *I remember not too long ago we both were here to stay. *But it seems it happened overnight when I threw it all away. It was an endless vicious circle. She couldn't find Nick because she wasn't one of the community; no vampire would talk to her. If she had been a vampire then they would have talked; of course, if she was a vampire she would have sensed Nick. She knew that somehow she would feel him in her thoughts. And she couldn't become a vampire until she found Nick. Vachon certainly wouldn't bring her across; not after Nick had threatened him over Tracy. He'd certainly kill him for bringing Natalie across. Besides, she wanted it to be Nick, only Nick. And after she found Nick, she could convince him that her plan was valid. If she was a vampire, she would have all the time in the world for research. She'd have more resources, more chances to do testing on others of his kind, of their kind. The only problem was finding him. Ideas were forming in her head so fast her temples began to throb. She could become a vampire without Nick. She remembered that she had several vials of his blood in the lab frig. She hadn't thrown them out, had she? Oh, God, she'd thrown out her journal! Hope died as quickly as it had been born. Without that journal, there was no chance of her working the data backwards to try to achieve her goal. Frantic, she drove to lab at breakneck speed. This would be a great time to get stopped for speeding. Her ME's badge would get her out of a ticket but she didn't want to spend the time arguing about it. She was through wasting time. Once in her office, she began to systematically tear the place apart in search of her journal. She'd thrown it in the trash box in a fit of pique. She dug through it like a terrier, pitching papers and folders on the floor behind her. "Jesus, Natalie! What's going on?" Carol ducked back behind the door as a sheaf of papers came flying her way. Natalie swiped the hair out of her eyes and sat back on her heels trying not to look as excited as she felt. "Just looking for something I threw in here by mistake." Slower now, she resumed her search for the all important journal. "Got it!" Triumphantly, Natalie stood up and clutched the book to her. "You OK, Natalie?" Carol still hadn't ventured all the way into the room. "Yes, fine, now." Her eyes sparkled with a vitality no one had seen in her in weeks. "OK, whatever. Later." Carol was gone. Natalie sank into her desk chair still clutching the journal and gave into relieved tears. She was going to do it, she was certain. *Hope that I can make you love me once again *But I can't forget you. She'd found the vials of Nick's blood in the very back of the lab frig. Checking the dates she thought they were from a time period when he'd been doing quite a bit of backsliding. That suited her purpose just fine; the stronger the vampire element in the blood samples, the easier this was going to be. Natalie wanted to start her research now, tonight. She felt that she needed to get as close to her subject as possible. She'd thrown the keys to loft in the trash compactor no less than six times before she realized that she just couldn't sever that last tie with him. So, she was in the loft, curled up on the couch in front of the fire poring over each and every entry ever made in the journal. The cure had always been some kind of elusive holy grail she'd searched for. Now the opposite was her goal; find the way to change a mortal into a vampire using vampire blood. Sunrise came and went; another sundown gloried through the open shutters of the loft. Her eyes were bleary and bloodshot from strain before she put the book down on the coffee table and took a break. The answer was there, she'd finally found what she'd been searching for. The answer to her problems was in her hands, she only needed to calculate the details of dosing herself with his blood. More than a few of the cures she'd tried on Nick had made him violently ill. Convulsions, fevers, periods of unconsciouness he had endured without complaint. Praying for the same strength of will Natalie set about preparing for her ordeal. Was it wrong to pray to God to become a vampire? Theological discussions were beyond her right now. Her heart was so full of hope and longing that she could only pray for things to turn out right. She pulled the things she needed out of her bag. For some moments she sat transfixed, staring at the vials lined up neatly before her. Once begun, there would be no turning back. She nodded to herself and tried to calm her racing heart. One by one the syringes were filled and labeled. If things proceded according to her calculations, she would need two doses daily for two weeks, minimum. There was barely enough blood. The possibility existed that as the treatment progressed she would need to inject smaller amounts. She devoutly hoped so. Natalie rolled the first syringe reflectively in her palm. Such a tiny amount of blood, such a grandiose plan. Inject the blood, become a vampire, find Nick, find a cure for them both, live happily every after. No problem, for your average miracle worker. A fleeting thought crossed her mind. She was standing on the threshold of mortality as well as immortality. The vampire elements in his blood might kill her, quickly or slowly, but what she intended to do could be her death sentence. What the hell, Nick might kill her himself if and/or when he found out what she was trying to do. The needle slid into her vein smoothly. Quickly, Natalie pushed in the plunger before rational thought made her stop. There. It's done. Only to wait and see. She adjusted the blood pressure cuff on her arm and pumped it up. No drastic change. Nothing that couldn't be accounted for by exitement and stress. She waited fifteen minutes and took her vital signs again. No change. Waiting was not one of her favorite pastimes, nor was it anything she was good at doing. She forced herself to lay down on the couch and rest. Setting her portable alarm clock for one hour she resolutely closed her eyes and willed herself to rest. Two days, five days, eight days into the experiment and Natalie had to admit her failure. Her vital signs had not changed one iota since she'd begun injecting herself with Nick's blood. She still had a clear reflection in the mirror. Sunlight didn't bother her, she even ordered extra garlic in her lasagna tonight and eaten every bite. She even acquiesed to Carol's request and went to mass one Sunday with her, no effect. She knew that Nick's blood could make severe changes in mortal blood; she'd seen it before in countless samples she'd taken and studied. Apparently the samples had lost their potency over time. She'd gambled and lost. Lost for herself, lost for Nick. All this time, all these months turned into years she'd assumed that she'd been on the right track in finding a cure for his vampirism. But if reversing her reseach had failed to make her into a vampire, it was only logical to assume that she never would have been able to make Nick into a mortal either. She'd been so sure she was working in the right direction. It didn't matter anymore, did it? Nick was gone, Natalie's hope was almost gone as well. Carol had never said another word about Nick or her feelings since her 'go after him' speech. Natalie was grateful for her silence.