Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 01:08:53 -0500 From: Sandye Chisholm This is a Blackadder\Forever Knight crossover fanfic. Enjoy. We did. Cousin's Sandye and Laurie... Don't Lose Your Head at Night: A Epic Tale from Sandye and Laurie Edmund: Madam, you sent for me? Queenie: Oh, Edmund. I've had an absolutely splendid idea. Wouldn't it be *super* if we held the executions at night? I mean the Catholics don't care when they die, and it would make a lovely evening out, don't you think? Edmund: For the catholics, mum? Queenie: No, silly, for us. Edmund: Of course, of course. that's a brilliant idea. And we won't even have to blind-fold the executioner to make it even. Queenie: But Edmund, why would we want to blindfold the executioner? Edmund: We wouldn't mum. I simply meant that it will be difficult for him to see because it will be night. Queenie: Oh poo. That spoils all my fun. But wait, what if we had them carry torches? That way, when they put their heads down on the block, everyone could see them. Edmund: Oh good. AT THE SCAFFOLD LATER THAT EVENING.... Baldrick: Looks like it's going to be quite a crowd, my Lord... Edmund: It doesn't surprise me one bit Balders. We cut off the heads of the Catholics because they've perverted God's intent, yet I don't think that's what he had in mind when he said turn the other cheek. Baldrick: My Lord, did you see that man? Edmund: What is it now, Baldrick? Another of your friends from the unusually dishelved and highly offensive guild of village nincompoops? Baldrick: No my lord, I was talking about the tall man with the big teeth what just flew down and landed over there. Edmund: The tall man with the big what? Baldrick: The tall man with the big teeth what just bit that young girl on her neck, near the back of the crowd. Edmund: Let me get this straight, Baldrick. You saw a tall man with big teeth bite a young girl's neck... Baldrick: Yes, m'Lord. Edmund: Funny, it never worked very well for me. SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BACK OF THE VERY ROWDY CROWD..... Edmund: (Tapping the tall man on the shoulder) Excuse me....I hate to interupt, but..... LaCroix: Then don't.... Edmund: Listen, my large lascivious friend, do you know who you're talking to? (LaCroix turns his face to Edmund, blood dripping from his extended fangs) LaCroix: What makes you think I care? Edmund: No reason. (LaCroix goes back to his feast) Edmund: I hate to interrupt...again... LaCroix: WHAT? Edmund: Tell me, do you get a lot of women that way? (LaCroix throws down his "meal" and starts towards Edmund) LaCroix: What way? Edmund: You know, that certain kiss of death that leaves woman falling at your feet. LaCroix: Ah, that...tell me, what would you give to have a woman fall at your feet? Edmund: As long as I can still have my incredible good looks, my dazzling wit and charm and whopping loads of cash, I'd be willing to cast my own mother as an extra in a Shakespeare comedy. LaCroix: (laughing) I see, dear Sir, that we share a common taste for the ...unnatural.... Edmund: Nothing unnatural about a little booty.... LaCroix: Are you willing to die for a woman's favours? Edmund: Let me rephrase that. If, by some strange chance, you mean that I could become accustomed to an extraordinarily large pair of dental appendages, that would find themselves embedded in the flesh of some savory young morsel, after which, the beauty falls at my feet, leaving me all her ready cash....sure. EDMUND INVITES LACROIX BACK TO THE HOUSE OF BLACKADDER LaCroix: What a brave heart you have, Sir. Yet I think you are no more than those who came before, just another in a long line of fools that believed themselves worthy of eternal life. Edmund: But that is where you are wrong my bloody friend, for I am Edmund, Lord Blackadder. I am a man of distinction and noble bearing. LaCroix: How does that make you any different? Edmund: Because I have a quality that makes me worthy indeed to recieve that most mysterious of gifts that you so magnificiently offer. Because I, Edmund Blackadder, Duke of Edinbourough, am one of the most devious and unethical bastards in the kingdom. Isn't that right Baldrick? Baldrick: Yes m'lord. Many's the time I've heard, "Edmund Blackadder? Why that bastard..." Edmund: That's enough, Baldrick. So, my nocturnal friend, what say you? LaCroix: Firstly, I do not recall making such an offer. Secondly, what makes you think I won't simply kill you and save myself all *that* trouble? Edmund: That's a *very* good question... Baldrick: More's the pity my lord that you don't have a good answer. Edmund: Shut up, Baldrick. If I wanted an idiots opinion, I would have asked Lord Percy. Baldrick: Does he know many idiots, my Lord? Edmund: Look Baldrick, if you don't keep quiet, I'll hand you over to this lovely gentleman who will most likely rip out your flea-ridden throat...*as* appealing as that sounds, I must, however begrudginly, urge you to silence, as I would rather not find myself in debt to Old Scratch's second *cousin*. (LaCroix picks Baldrick up by the neck and holds him several feet off of the ground) Baldrick: (grunting) My Lord....my lips are sealed. Edmund: Thank God, Balders. I've said it before and unhappily I'll probably have to say it again: your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom. (looks at LaCroix) No offense. LaCroix: None taken. We were never close. Edmund: Well, you can't be too careful. Lacroix: How *very* true. Baldrick:(choking) Excuse me... Edmund: You said something, Balders. (Turning to LaCroix) Did you hear something? LaCroix: Some sort of muttering, I believe. It's amazing how some of them manage to live past twelve. Edmund: Baldrick, you can hardly expect us to answer you when we can't understand a word you are saying. LaCroix: Shall I kill him? Or shall I merely rip out his tongue... Edmund: Charming idea...though still, let us not blame the toad because he's warty...For peasants like this one, remebering the names of all his family members is a momentous task. And that doesn't even begin to measure the difficulty he has in pronouncing them. (looks back to LaCroix) Diction is a lost art. LaCroix: (pondering slightly): I blame it all on amateur dramatics. Edmund: I *knew* that we had more in common... Baldrick: (croaking) M'lord....Can I come down... LaCroix: (to Edmund) Shall I? Edmund: At your convenience. LaCroix: (tosses Baldrick to the ground) Better now? Baldrick: (still chocking) Yes, m'lord...much. Edmund: Show some manners you vile dungball. Thank the nice vampire, Balders. Baldrick: Thank you, Mister Vampire, sir. LaCroix:(to Edmund) I would have killed him, but I do have my standards. Edmund: May I say how refreshing it is to see a man of your bearing, noble mind and ... LaCroix: Blood? Edmund: Quite. Shall we get to the heart of the matter...so to speak. Are you going to make me into a vampyre? Or is it just that I have to stand around all night watching you pick and choose through all of the available virgins? Baldrick: But m'lord...that's what you always do... Edmund: What are you talking about now? How can I always watch someone that I have only this night met? Baldrick: I don't mean him, m'lord. I mean the virgins. You always stand around and watch everyone else picking and choosing, while you end up going home with me. Not that I'm saying I ain't no virgin. I just want to be in love when I give myself...I am fond of you, sweet master, it's just that I didn't think it would work out, you being a lord and everything, and me being a lowly servant... Edmund: That's it, Baldrick. That's it. I'll kill you myself if you don't.. Now see, you've done it. He's gone. (grabbing Baldrick firmly with both hands around his neck) Now what am I going to do?!(shaking him violently) Finally, money power, revenge.. everything I was born for and you go and muck it all up with your hideous whining and...(stops shaking Baldrick when he notices a letter on the table) Wait a minute...what's this? A note... Baldrick:(gasping for breath) I saw him put it there as he left.. Edmund: You saw him leave...and you didn't say anything... Baldrick: I couldn't...it's like I couldn't move, like I had no will of own...like suddenly, my brain just stopped... Edmund: Well then, you should be used to that. But *how* did he leave? Baldrick: By the window, m'lord. One moment there, the next, flapping his little wings...it was sort of a cute thing, all black and squishy-like... Edmund:(takes a good long look at Baldrick) Sometimes I look at you, Balders, and I think, 'my god, and I think I have problems', what in the world did your mother do when she was expecting a child, a and out you popped... Baldrick: I'll have you know that I was my mother's favorite son... Edmund: You were her only son, Baldrick. Baldrick: That's because my sisters were girls. Edmund: Why do I even bother? It's like having a debate with a piece of cheese. Now, stop interupting me. (opens letter) He didn't even have time to blot it...funny, he must have a quill at the end of his finger.(Reading aloud) "Be sure of what you want, mortal...you might find it more than you imagined." Baldrick: What does that mean m'lord? Edmund: It means that he'll be back, Baldrick. And this time, I may just follow him into darkness. Baldrick: Ooooh, sweet master, I don't like the sound of that... Edmund: Well who asked anyway? This shall be the ultimate achievment, Baldrick. I will have at my disposal, the powers over life and death, the wealth of the ages, and the ability to control the minds of humankind. What glorious adventures await, what fantastic travels I'll make, what fabulous maidens will I seduce with my persuasions of the night... Baldrick: Does that mean you'll be flying around killing people, drinking there blood... Edmund: Yup. Baldrick: Well, I have a suggestion m'lord. Edmund: And what would that be, frog-boy? Baldrick: When you suck out their blood, try not to get those little veiny things in your teeth...they leave an awful stain... why that guy looked like he had a bad set of wooden teeth, all brown and ooogy... Edmund: A warning Baldrick. When the big, bad, man returns, let's have no no talk of "ooogy" , all right? The last thing I want to have happen, is to have a blood-sucking ghoulie flying around my house in a bad mood. Baldrick: What shall we do now, m'lord? Edmund: I shall be waiting for destiny to arrive. While you, Balders, will be rustling up some refreshment for our guest's next visit. Baldrick: You want me to bring back people for him to kill? Edmund: Well, you certainly don't think I'm going to offer him you... I saw the look on his face when he got a wiff of you...he may be dead, Baldrick, but he's not desperate. Anyway, you'd better get used to it, you'll soon be doing it for me, that is, of cousre, when I *Vamp*-out... (said of course, with that unmistakable "BOB" tone of voice) ***************************************** -What will Edmund do when LaCroix returns? -Will LaCroix give Edmund what he wants, or will we find out just how blue Blackadder blood really is? -Will Edmund finally get to become the "heart-throb" he's always dreamed he'd be? -Will he discover "hunting" as a new sport, or will simply he use the Baldrick take-out service? ONE WEEK LATER LATE EVENING AT THE HOUSE OF BLACKADDER Baldrick: (looking out the window) I don't think he's coming, m'lord. Edmund: And who would that be, Baldrick? The midnight dung salesman? Baldrick: No, m'lord, I mean that tall man with the big teeth, what said he'd give you the colonel's wife... Edmund: Baldrick, what in God's name would I do with a colonel's wife? Baldrick: How should I know, you're the one what told me you wanted "colonel's wife". Edmund: That's LIFE, Baldrick, ETERNAL LIFE...something that you won't ever have to worry about. Now, if you get your festering little gob out of my face, I'm going to rip your lungs out and use them for sausage casing. Now go fetch those things I told you to get. You did get "everything" on the list, didn't you? Baldrick: You mean the wooden sticks... Edmund: That's Stakes, Balders. It's a wonder you manage to feed yourself. Baldrick: Well, if I had to eat those steaks, I'd be picking wood out of my teeth all day. Edmund: With all the wood in that head of yours, you'd have to be careful not to pick your brain instead. But the question was, my scurvy little fiend, did you get what I asked for? I know it's difficult, but *try* and think... Baldrick: I did think m'lord, and I remembered that my mother used to string garlic together, and hang it around the doors and the windows, and everybody had one to hang around their neck, except me....and they had crosses strewn about the whole house. When I asked her why, she just said, company was coming and she wanted me to be the one to meet 'em. Edmund: Intelligent woman. Little did she know that you're lack of personal hygiene would prove as venomous as garlic. Come to think of it, that's probably why he hasn't returned. Baldrick: Who m'lord? Edmund: LaCroix, you git...the tall man with the big teeth... Baldrick: The tall, blonde man with the ooogy teeth...the one from the last week's execution...? Edmund: Yes, that's right. Baldrick: The tall man what you said would be cowering in the corner like a mouse before a huge, slimy snake. Edmund: Yes, and I, Edmund Blackadder, Duke of Edinburgh, *am* that snake. And when the snake strikes, LaCroix will know that he has met his match. Baldrick: Ahem....m'lord (looks over towards the window) it might be a good idea to strike that match now... Edmund: Baldrick, all in good time...does not the executioner study the waiting neck before him? Should I not also be as wise? For if the adder strikes too soon, the moment of triumph is not properly savored... LaCroix: Snakes were meant to be stepped on. Edmund: (turning to see the evil visage of LaCroix) Baldrick, quick, hand me the cross... Baldrick: What cross? Edmund: The cross that you brought with the garlic... Baldrick: What garlic? (Gee what a bitch... I really feel sorry for him now... Sorry, authors' aside) Edmund: The garlic that you got with the stakes... Baldrick: What stakes? Edmund: Don't tell me...you didn't get "anything" from the list? Baldrick: I did get the holy water, m'lord... Edmund: Well,... where is it? Baldrick: I got thirsty. Edmund: Baldrick, you didn't... Baldrick: It was a long, hot walk looking for the stakes and the crosses... Edmund: Well...where are they? Baldrick: I left them at Mrs. Miggins. Edmund: What were you doing at Mrs. Miggins? Baldrick: Looking for the garlic... LaCroix: (to Edmund) And I thought a man of your talents would have discovered something more challenging than a rank vegetable and a couple of pointed sticks. Edmund: (grovelly) Ah, you're evilness. Yes, you are right, it is a shame that this evening, my wit is not as pointed as your teeth... LaCroix: And it is a blessing that they are not as easily satisfied. Edmund: Quite true, my devilish fiend...I mean friend...if you had come sooner, you would have reveled in my devious torment of the bloated Bishop of Bath and Wells. Not only did I have him begging for mercy, I managed to get a fat load of cash of the old bastard as well. LaCroix: Bold talk for a mortal, but holy men are easily beaten in games such as those. Edmund: Well then, perhaps you know of my great ancestral line. For I come from a dark and dangerous family, one whose boldness went unchallenged...where were you then? My great-great-great grandfather Edmund I was a terrible scourge to this land of England... LaCroix: Oh, you mean the Keeper of the Privy's? Edmund: Jest if you will, but maintenance of the royal comforts was a duty delegated only to those of noble blood. And what were your relations,'eh? The Keepers of Caligula's horse? LaCroix: White horses and I never really got along, but then none of my ancestors found the desire for the *intimate* company of nags...much unlike your penchant for keeping this.... Edmund: He may be hairy, dirty, and utterly disgusting, but, his lack of intellect provides for some amusing diversions... LaCroix: Amusing diversions, you say? Well then, perhaps it is your little toad that should accompany me in my sojourn into the next century. Edmund: What! You would rather have Baldrick, this rat-faced, snail-brained... LaCroix: The slime of a snail and the slime of snake, which would make the journey less arduous? Baldrick: Well, they're both nasty... Edmund: Nobody asked you, frog-boy... Baldrick: I was only trying to help... Edmund: (to LaCroix, ignoring Baldrick and laughing) Sir, your jest is more than humorous; how perspicacious of you to notice that Baldrick, with all of his *cough* infinite resources would prove comical, however short-lived. Only a man such as you, could appreciate such an irony. LaCroix: (laughing) One pathetic mortal is just like another, regardless of their wit...or lack there of. LACROIX EXITS OUT THE WINDOW Edmund: Set me on fire and fuck me running. The bastards gone again. Baldrick: I guess he didn't want you to have the "Colonels Wife." IN THE THRONE ROOM... Queenie: Edmund, I just met the most splendid Cavalier... Edmund: Oh, God, don't tell me...he isn't a tall, blonde man with a unique...smile? Queenie: Well, he is quite dishy. But I wouldn't say, he's very tall, would you Melchett? Melchett: No ma'am. He is not much taller than Lord Blackadder. Queenie: No, I suppose he isn't. But he does have this fantastic body, and if I'm lucky, I'll get to seduce him at the next masquerade. But he's French, isn't he Melchett? Melchett: Yes,I believe he comes from the Brabant district, m'lady. And a man of high distinction as well, ma'am. Edmund: Well, that's a relief. (Aside to Baldrick) For a moment I thought he'd be sucking around looking for some sort of midnight snack. (Back to The Queen) And what of this new interest of your majesty... Queenie: Well, if you must know, I thought I'd find out just how delicate the international balance was, and perhaps I could restore the French-English status quo. I mean, who knows, what late-night treaties we could agree to? Edmund: Would this gentlemen, perhaps, be more inclined to the more, "nocturnal" endeavors? Queenie: I certainly hope so! And he has the most intriguing friend, LaCroix, I believe he said his name was.... The End If our heroes manage to survive a close encounter of the vampyric kind, will they fare any better in the twenty-fourth century? Till next time...may the "rug" be with you... Sandye and Laurie...off the carpet and out into oblivion :}= (of course, we came prepared, tequilla and chablis in hand....:}=