From: Don Bassingthwaite <70400.1347@compuserve.com> Subject: The Return of Late-Knight TV Why Nick became a Police Officer and Not an Academic Again _or_ Forever Python: The Bruces ---------------------------------------------------------- G'day, Bruce! Oh, hello Bruce! How are you Bruce? A bit crooked, Bruce. Where's Bruce? He's not 'ere, Bruce. Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce. Hot enough to simmer a souvlaki! That's a _very_ strange expression, Bruce. Well Bruce, I heard a detective use it. "It's hot enough to simmer a souvlaki in here, Nat," he said and she smiled quietly to herself. She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up. Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! 'Ow are you, Bruce? G'day Bruce! Bruce. Hello Bruce. Bruce. How are you, Bruce? G'day Bruce. Gentleman, I'd like to introduce a man from Froggy-land who is joinin' us this year in the anthropology department at the University of Toronto. G'day! Hello. Nicholas Brabant, Bruce. Nicholas Brabant, Bruce. Nicholas Brabant, Bruce. Is your name not Bruce? No, it's Nick. That's going to cause a little confusion. Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep things clear. Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer. Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!! Amen! Argh! Is something wrong? Arm cramps. Long flight. Ah -- I know what would fix that. A beer! Crack two! Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Brabant to the anthropology faculty. I'd like to welcome the froggy-bastard to God's own earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-bates here. Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce! Bruce here teaches structural anthropology, Bruce there teaches neo-marxist anthropology, and Bruce here teaches post-modern feminism. And is also in charge of the ice rink. What's New-Bruce going to teach? New-Bruce will be teaching archaeology, Mayan Studies, Clarke, Lindross, Borichevsky, Gilmour, and Lemieux. Those are all hockey players! Aww, spit! Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce! Toronto, Toronto, Toronto, Toronto, we love you, amen! ARGH! Another two? Right! Any questions? Yes, are you a vampire? Are you vampire? No! No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One! No vampires! Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the grad students in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three? No vampires! Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking... Beer. Rule Five, no vampires! Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven, no vampires! Right that concludes the readin' of the rules -- Bruce. This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! Argh!! THE VAMPIRE'S SONG Lestat de Lioncourt was a vampire whore who dressed in silk and sable. Carmilla, Carmilla was lovely swiller who would bite you whenever able. Sweeney Todd would get the nod but he's too fond of pie! And the Lost Boys had evil joys that Van Helsing would despise! There's nothing Varney couldn't lairn 'e on how the blood is bled. Dracula, himself, enjoyed a glass of red! Barnabas C., when he'd ceased to be, stalked Collinsport like he'd never leave. LaCroix, they say, could suck it away, two whole virgins every day! Bathory, Bathory had a wicked glory, Janette mixed hers with wine. But poor old Nick had a conscience quick - "To drink Man's blood's a crime!" Yes, Dracula himself is particularly dead; A lesson to immortals - never lose your head!