Date:         Sun, 7 Mar 1999 21:45:12 EST 
From: Norma Reedy <Lacemom@AOL.COM> 
Subject:      (no subject) 
To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU 

                                         HILLBILLY WEDDING FROM HELL


Usual disclaimers apply.  I don't own the Forever Knight characters.  I'm just
playing around with them for a bit.  The other characters are a product of my
sometimes wacko imagination.  Miranda, Rhiannon, Paco, and Jay were introduced
in a story I wrote called "Moonlight and Carnations" and its sequel,
"Rhiannon's gift".  However, this story is based on fact, as one of my family
members was involved in a wedding that was almost an exact duplicate of what I
describe here. Please feel free to flame or even incinerate me if you find it
necessary, but I promise I never could have dreamed up something this bizarre
on my own. Permission granted to archive at fkfanfic, ftp and if anyone else
wants to, that's fine with me.  All comments can be sent to Lacemom@aol.com.

Many thanks, virtual roses and chocolate to Karen who beta read this for me
and made some invaluable suggestions.


                                                                PART 1/4



     "Damn, Tracy, how come those two are never around when you need them?"
Jason Burke asked his live-in love, Tracy Vetter, as he stared at the phone in
his hand.
        "What's the matter, Jay?  Randi and Vachon still not home?" she replied from
the depths of the sofa she had settled into in front of the roaring fire Jay
had built for her.
        "Well if they are, they're damn sure not answering the phone.  You'd think
that by now, some of the newness of that relationship would have worn off and
they could focus on something besides bopping each other's brains out."
        "Now, Jay, my dear," came a slightly sarcastic reply, "Are you telling me
that the "newness" has worn off of us enough that you don't care to "bop our
brains out" anymore?'
        Laughing, Jay came up behind Tracy, put his arms around her and gave her a
deep kiss, "I guess you got me there, Detective Vetter.  Point well taken and
I won't go down that road again.  But I really would like to talk to Randi
about Eddie Joe's wedding next week."
        "Are you still planning on us going, Jay?  I mean, we haven't heard from
anyone other than your mom about wedding plans, and you're still the best man
aren't you?"
        "Trace, who are you asking?  I could kick myself for agreeing to be his best
man, but Eddie Joe is Jimmy Ray's son and J.R. has been Mom's pilot as long as
I can remember.  Besides, Eddie and I grew up together getting into all sorts
of mischief on the ranch.  But it would be nice to be kept informed of
whatever's going down.  You know, little things like when the rehearsal is and
if there's supposed to be a bachelor party and all.  All I know is to be at
the church next Saturday at 6:30 P.M.  And hell, woman, I don't even know
where beautiful downtown Waverly is, for Christ's sake."
        "It'll all work out, Jay.  Maybe you'd better call your mom to see what she
knows about this wedding."
        "Yeah, I guess you're right, Love.  Hand me the phone and let's see if she
and Paco are around."
        Paco answered the phone on the second ring. He broke into an uncontrollable
fit of laughter when Jay asked him if he had any idea of what was up with
Eddie Joe's upcoming nuptials.
        "Much more than I really wanted to know, mijo.  Your mother has taken to
referring to this farce as the hillbilly wedding from hell when we are alone.
As we speak, she and Eddie's mother are deep in conference, trying to figure
out a way to salvage some of this mess."
        "Is it really that bad, Paco?"
        "Much worse than you can imagine, Jay.  Apparently, Carrie Ann's family are
much more countrified than anyone had anticipated and their attempts to follow
etiquette are at best laughable, at worst a nightmare.  Are you aware that
your mother has coerced Vachon into being an usher for this wedding since one
of Eddie Joe's brothers-in-law has pulled out?  I have yet to talk to him
since this came about a couple of days ago, but I would bet he is not a happy
camper right about now."
        "Probably not such a good idea to tease him about penguins when I talk to him
then, is it?" Jay laughed, "Do me a favor and ask mom when Tracy and I need to
get there, if you don't mind?  Then I can make flight arrangements and all."
        "I will make sure she calls you when she returns from Jimmy Ray and Patty
Sue's place, but I can tell you now that Jimmy has made it plain that he will
pick you, Tracy, Vachon and Randi up and fly all of you down here.  He
insisted, saying that it was the very least he could do for dragging you all
into this mess.  We'll talk later, Jay.  Give Tracy my love."
        After the connection was broken, Jay filled Tracy in on the limited
information Paco had been able to provide and just shook his head at the
mental picture the phrase, "hillbilly wedding from hell" conjured up.
        On the Tuesday before the wedding, Tracy and Jay finally got a phone call
from Randi.  She apologized for not calling sooner, but explained that she had
been working extra hours at her job at the coffee shop, and that Vachon had
found a Community bar with a band made up of mostly Community members.  He was
actually among the gainfully employed at the moment.  So their free time was
at a premium.  She had a specific reason for calling and Jay could sense that
Randi was somewhere between royally pissed off and ready to die laughing.  He
suspected a combination of both.  She asked to speak to Tracy, saying it was
"girl stuff".
        "Tracy, you just won't believe what I got in the mail today.  An invitation
to Carrie's "bridal shower".  It's tomorrow night for god's sake.  And are you
ready for this, girl?  It's a combination, and I quote, "sensuous lingerie and
sex toy party".  My god, have you ever heard of anything so tacky in your
life?"  Randi couldn't hold the laughter in any longer, and soon both she and
Tracy were giggling so hard they weren't able to talk.
        Finally, they calmed down to the point where Randi was able to tell Tracy and
Jay what little she knew about the upcoming "Waverly Society Event" of the
year.  Esther, that dear sweet old retainer who would do anything for
Rhiannon, was making the bridesmaids dresses, which Randi said were the
prettiest things in the whole fiasco of a wedding party.  She described them
as being burgundy satin in a simple princess style.  Esther was only supposed
to make Randi's dress, and the bride's mother, Shirleen, was going to do the
rest of the gowns, including the bride's, which was originally intended to be
of Victorian design with loads of lace, ruffles, flounces and what not.  But
somewhere along the line, mama decided she just couldn't handle it all and
Esther graciously agreed to make Emmy Jo's and Hannah Lynn's gowns.  Randi
told Tracy that they were Eddie Joe's sisters.
        "Tracy, you know this is going to look like a seriously bad nightmare, don't
you?  But wait, you haven't heard the best part yet."
        "You mean there's more?" Tracy interrupted.
        "Oh yeah, Trace, I've just barely gotten started.  Mom told me that
originally Carrie Sue wanted the guys to wear black tuxes, with pink shirts
and burgundy vests.  That plus a couple of other things were the reason Steve,
that's Hannah's husband, pulled out.  But her mom changed the order to white
shirts and black vests, when Carrie's brother, James Thomas, threatened to
pull out.  I still don't know how mom got Javier to agree to fill in for Steve
and he won't tell me.  He just gives me that look and says it's between him
and mom."
        "So how many people are there in the wedding party, anyway, Randi?"
        "Last count, there were fourteen.  Mom says there were originally supposed to
be nineteen, but some people pulled out.  Let's see, there's the bride and
groom, best man and maid of honor, ring bearer, flower girl, three
bridesmaids, three groomsmen, a candle lighter and a rice girl.  Don't ask,
cause I don't know what a rice girl is.  Anyway there was also supposed to be
a matron of honor, three ushers, and a greeter, but those people changed their
minds.  Probably the smartest ones of the bunch."
        "Randi, I've just got to ask.  Why do you need ushers if you have groomsmen?
Aren't they the same thing?"  Tracy inquired.
        "Yeah, I thought so too, but I guess out in the boondocks, they aren't.  Who
knows?  Any way, I've got to go.  It's time for me to go study.  We'll see you
guys Thursday night.  I'll talk to mom tomorrow night to find out who's
getting picked up first, you guys or us, but I'm sure it'll probably be the
two of you, since Jimmy Ray can pick you up during the daylight hours with no
trouble.  Kiss big brother for me, and give Nick and Nat my love and tell them
I envy them for being able to skip this circus."
        After they hung up, Tracy filled Jay in on the latest details of the
wonderful upcoming shindig.  By the time she finished, Jay was laughing so
hard he was literally rolling on the floor, which looked like a pretty good
invitation to Tracy, who joined him.  In no time at all the hillbillies were
completely forgotten and the rest of their evening was spent in a most
enjoyable fashion.
        Thursday afternoon, Jimmy Ray arrived in Toronto and picked up Tracy and Jay.
Tracy was worried that the navy blue dress she had worn when she and Jay had
gone to the Raven with Randi and Vachon would not be dressy enough for the
wedding taking place Saturday evening.
        "Miss Tracy," Jimmy Ray drawled in true Southern fashion, "I hate to say it,
but even if you wore a potato sack, you'd be dressed finer than those hicks
Eddie Joe has gotten involved in.  His mama and I never did expect him to be
able to land a classy woman like you or Miss Randi, but we sure did hope for
someone not straight out of the "Beverly Hillbillies".   Patty Sue and I just
want this nightmare to be over with as soon as possible."
        "Is it really that bad, Jimmy Ray?" Jay asked.
        He only got a sad nod for an answer and then they were busy preparing for
take off to Boston.  They arrived at Logan Airport to find Randi and a visibly
unhappy Vachon waiting for them.  He strapped himself in a seat by the window,
away from the others and proceeded to stare out into the night.
        "Sis, what's with Vachon?" Jay queried.
        "He's not at all pleased about being roped into this mess, and I can't say as
I blame him.  Neither he nor Mom will tell me how she got him to agree, but
she did say that she made Carrie's mother promise that he and I would be
paired together, so I guess it's not a total loss."
        Tracy chimed in, "Do you think it would be a good idea for me to try to talk
him out of that mood he's in, Randi?"
        "You can try, Trace, but I'm warning you he just might bite your head off.
He's been chewing on my butt for the last three days and the more he rants and
raves about this stupid wedding, the madder he gets.  I damn near threw him
out last night, but he calmed down when he thought I was going to shoot him
with a psychic energy bolt.  Not that the thought didn't cross my mind a
couple of times."
        Jay just grinned and settled down in his seat for a nap, while Tracy decided
to leave Vachon alone for the time being.  She and Randi whiled away the
flight time by imagining just how bad things could be at the "Hicktown Hoe-
down", as Randi referred to it.  She soon had Tracy laughing so hard they were
both in tears as she described Carrie Ann's wedding dress, and that of the
maid of honor.
        Originally, Carrie's dress was to be a Victorian styled ivory colored satin
dress that her mother was going to make.  But somewhere along the line, they
had gone to a second hand store and found a white dress with loads of beads
and sequins on it with a long train.  When Randi told Tracy that Carrie
weighed at least three hundred pounds and was five months pregnant to boot,
Tracy all but fell out of her seat.  She was laughing so hard, she started to
choke and Jay started thumping her on the back, which only made it worse.
        "But I'm not finished yet, Tracy," Randi giggled, "When mom told me about the
dress and Carrie Ann just now telling Jimmy Ray and Patty Sue that she was a
"little bit pregnant", all I could picture was Shamu the whale swimming down
the aisle.  I know, God's going to get me for that one, but I swear I couldn't
help it.  I met her a few times, and I'm not kidding.  She's built like a
barrel, and I just can't imagine what she looks like now."
        "Please, stop, Randi," Tracy sputtered, "If you don't let me catch my breath
and try to quit picturing Shamu in a wedding dress in my mind, I swear I'll
die from lack of oxygen."
        "OK, Trace, but you have just got to let me tell you about the maid of
honor's lovely outfit.  In the meantime, let me see if I can coax Javier into
a better mood."
        Randi soon discovered that it would not be all that difficult to get Vachon
into a more civilized mood.  He had been surreptitiously listening as Randi
was telling Tracy all about this idiotic marriage, and had been trying
desperately to hold in his own laughter.   Vachon had to admit that he had
been a real jackass the past few days ever since Rhiannon had asked him to
fill in as a groomsman at this ridiculous wedding.  And he had really been a
royal pain in the ass to Randi.  But he also knew that as long as he lived, he
would never be able to refuse Rhiannon anything she asked of him, so he
figured it was time to just make the best of a bad situation and quit acting
like a two year old.
        When Randi came and sat next to him and put her hand on his thigh, he turned
to her and with a shrug of his shoulders, kissed the tip of her nose.
        "Querida, will you consider forgiving me for being a complete fool these past
few days?"
        "Well, I don't know.  Are you going to bite my head off again any time soon?"
        "Only your neck, and hopefully very soon on that.  I can't say I relish
sleeping on the couch much longer.  I really am sorry, Randi.  I shouldn't
have taken out my frustration on you," Vachon said, giving her a sheepish
grin.
        "Then if you kiss me like you really mean it, all is forgiven," was her
impish reply.
        "Only to happy to oblige you on that request, mi corazon," he said, pulling
her into a tight embrace and kissing her like he'd never stop.
        "OK, you two.  Trace can breathe again.  So come on, Sis.  Even I can't wait
to hear the rest of this," Jay said.
        "You asked for it, you got it," was Randi's reply.
        She and Vachon moved up to where Jay and Tracy were sitting, and she
continued her narrative,  "Mom says that Shirleen and Carrie Ann picked out
this satin material for the bridesmaids' dresses, which is a pretty color
according to mom.  But they opted for cheap and the stuff they ordered came
through in two different shades.  So, they scrambled to see if they had enough
to make the bridesmaids dresses all the same shade and the maid of honor and
the flower girl's dresses would hopefully be the same color, although
different from the bridesmaids.  The maid of honor is wearing a halter-top
dress with ivory colored, opera length gloves and ivory colored shoes.  She's
also planning to clip red roses to the toes of the shoes.  The flower girl's
dress is supposed to be something out of "Gone With the Wind" with ivory
flowers and burgundy netting on it.  She's wearing ivory shoes, too."
        Tracy interrupted, "But didn't you tell me that your mom had ordered dyed-
to- match shoes for you, when Eddie's sisters got theirs?"
        "Uh huh.  So isn't that going to be just lovely?  The three of us in plain
burgundy gowns and shoes, and those three fools; two in burgundy and ivory,
and Shamu in pure white."
        "Oh Lord, Randi, this has got to be the strangest wedding I've ever heard of
in my life, let alone attended.  Now I'm kind of glad I decided to tag along.
You know I never would have believed this if Jay came home and told me this
stuff," Tracy giggled.
        The rest of the flight passed quickly as Tracy and Randi tried to picture
what else could possibly happen.  Vachon and Jay just listened to their women
carry on like two young kids, and every so often one or the other would
chuckle at something Tracy or Randi said.

Disclaimers in Part 1, Etc.


                                        PART 2/4


        Rhiannon's jet landed at Shreveport Regional Airport about an hour or so
before dawn the day before the infamous wedding.  Her limousine was waiting
for her brood, and delivered them to her ranch just south of Shreveport with
fifteen minutes to spare before sunrise.  Rhiannon and Paco were there to
greet them, along with Patty Sue.       They entered the main house and after
greetings were exchanged, Jay and Tracy went to his room, while Randi and
Vachon went to hers for some much needed sleep.
At about noon, Rhiannon woke Jay, Tracy, and Randi so they could run a few
last minute errands before it was time to head for Waverly, which was about a
two-hour drive from Shreveport.  She had arranged for Paco and Vachon to fly
there as soon as it was dark so they could be at the church for the wedding
rehearsal as close to 7:00 p.m. as possible.  They would all worry about the
rehearsal dinner and how to cover for Paco and Vachon later.
        "Jay, I need you and Tracy to go to "Squire's" over on Youree Drive and pick
up the tuxedos for you and Vachon.  I already told them you'd be coming to
pick up the tuxes, and since I had yours and Javier's measurements, you don't
have to worry about final fittings.  We'll manage somehow.  Randi, you and I
need to get a final fitting on your dress with you completely dressed like
you'll be tomorrow.  That way, if there's any alterations to be made, Esther
will have a little time at least.  She and Vincent will be going to the actual
wedding tomorrow evening, so that if anything else unexpected comes up, she'll
be around to help.  Paco will let Vachon know what our plans are when they get
up and head over to this half-horse town."
        "Mom, what about my hair and jewelry and all?"
        "Well, Sweetie, since Carrie Sue and her dear, sweet mother haven't seen fit
to discuss any of that stuff with Patty Sue, she and I found some pretty pearl
earrings for the three of you to wear.  We couldn't find any matching pearl
necklaces at a reasonable price, so we decided to stick with just the
earrings.  As far as your hair, I thought a simple French twist with a few
loose tendrils would look very nice on the three of you and Patty Sue agreed.
We have no idea if Carrie Sue is planning on you wearing anything in your
hair.  We do know that your bouquets are made of silk magnolias, but what they
look like, who knows?"
        "Mama, what does Eddie Joe say about this whole thing?  How come he hasn't
insisted on Patty Sue being more involved?"
        "All he would tell Jimmy Ray and Patty Sue was that whenever he tried to get
involved in the planning of this wedding, he was pretty much told to butt out
until he quit asking anymore.  He said he told Carrie Sue to do whatever she
wanted because she was going to do it anyway, and to just tell him where and
when the wedding was and he'd be there.  Patty Sue seems to think that if this
"little complication of a baby" hadn't entered the picture, there wouldn't be
a wedding tomorrow."
        "Well I guess we know who wears the pants in that family," Randi muttered as
she and Rhee went in search of Esther.
        The dress fit Randi like a glove and even the hem length was perfect.  No one
would ever guess that Randi had never tried it on before that day.  The
burgundy color was one that really complimented Randi's flawless complexion,
and when she pulled her hair up, the scoop neckline accentuated her long neck,
giving her a graceful, swan-like appearance.
        "Ma petite Randi, M'sieur Vachon is going to fall even more in love with you
when he sees you in this.  You will be the star of this whole mess," Esther
said softly to her beloved young mistress.
        "God, I hope I don't steal Carrie's thunder.  I'd hate to have her sit on
me," she joked, "She's got to be positively huge by now, isn't she, Mom?"
        Rhiannon merely shrugged, "No one on Eddie Joe's side of the family has set
eyes on the two of them since Thanksgiving.  Jimmy Ray and Patty Sue couldn't
think of what they might have done to get Eddie and Carrie so mad at them that
they wouldn't show up here for Christmas.  But since those two morons finally
told Jimmy and Patty about Carrie's pregnancy, things started making sense.
And Eddie Joe told his parents that Carrie has only gained ten pounds, because
that's what she told him."
        "Yeah, right, Mom.  If she's only gained ten pounds, I'm the Queen of
England," Randi snorted derisively.
        At 4:15, Rhiannon, Jay, Tracy, and Randi left for Waverly in Rhee's
limousine, while Jimmy Ray, Patty Sue and their two daughters followed in one
of the ranch's sport utility vehicles.  They made a brief stop in Monroe to
make sure the directions they had been given were accurate, then continued
down the interstate for another thirty minutes until they found the Waverly
exit.  They stopped about a mile down the road after exiting the interstate
and in just a few moments were joined by Paco and Javier who got in the limo
and continued on their way to the church.
        They found the church with little difficulty, since it seemed to be the only
building in what appeared to be beautiful downtown Waverly.  Of course, it
helped that there was a big neon sign out in front of the church that read,
"Congratulations, Carrie Sue Alford and Eddie Joe Saunders."  Eddie Joe was
outside smoking a cigarette as they entered the parking lot of the church. As
the occupants of the two cars left the vehicles, a "good ole boy" who looked
like he was a relative of Jr. Samples from the old "Hee Haw" television show,
came out of the church.  He was dressed in overalls with a white T-shirt
underneath, and his cheek was positively bulging from the plug of tobacco
deposited there.
        He looked at them like he had never seen city folks in his life, and turned
around and went back into the church.
        "That's Carrie Sue's uncle, Johnny.  I guess I better warn you, he's probably
the most normal of the bunch," Eddie Joe said sheepishly as a way of greeting
his family and friends, "Hey, Randi girl, you sure are looking mighty fine.
Haven't seen you in forever.  This that foreign guy I keep hearing you hooked
up with?"
        Randi had promised that she would behave and use the manners she had been
brought up with throughout this whole mess.  However, Vachon gave her hand a
quick squeeze to assure her he had taken no offense at being referred to as
"that foreign guy".  Sensing he was amused rather than chagrined, she was able
to be very gracious.
        "Yes, Eddie, this is Javier Vachon, my very significant other."
        Vachon extended his hand to Eddie Joe and gave it a much firmer handshake
than was necessary, to convey that he would not tolerate any insults to his
lady.  Eddie Joe was not as dumb as this wedding would have led people to
believe, and picked up Vachon's message.
        Introductions to Tracy and Paco were managed without any more faux pas and
the entourage from Shreveport made their way into the church for the rehearsal
and dinner to follow.   They entered the building through the fellowship hall
door and then went into the church proper.  It took immense willpower on all
of their parts, including Eddie Joe's parents and sisters, not to burst into
laughter at the sight that greeted them when they entered the church.
        There were about thirty people sitting in the pews, all dressed rather
"casually" and in most cases outdated.  The men present all seemed to favor
jumpsuits, or jeans and flannel shirts with suspenders and belts both, holding
up their britches.  If they didn't have old worn cowboy boots on, they were
wearing house slippers.  The women on the other hand, were straight out of
another time.  Randi and Tracy had never seen so much big hair in one place in
their entire lives.  And their clothes were right out of the same time period
as their hair.  There were a few in jeans, but most of the women wore elastic
pull up polyester pants that were either lime green, hot pink or royal blue in
color, and to a woman, they wore elastic necked, big flower printed polyester
blouses.
        The church was something else again.  It had been decorated in burgundy and
ivory for the wedding, which clashed horribly with the celery green mini shag
rug and pew cushions of lime green.  Carrie Sue and Shirleen were busy with
the lady who would be playing the piano the next day.  It looked like they
were just now getting around to selecting what music to play at the nuptials.
Tracy and Randi were studiously ignoring one another, for fear they wouldn't
be able to keep straight faces.  They were also ignoring their men for the
same reason.
        Finally Carrie Sue and her mother approached all of them and said hi.  That
was it.  Nothing more, nothing less, that was all.  Turning to the odd
assembly, who had not stopped staring at the newcomers, Carrie Sue started
introducing her family and friends.
        When she got finished with all their names, she said, "These are Eddie Joe's
people."
        That was all she said, never even attempting to name any of them as she
traipsed off in search of her mother.  Finally, after what seemed like
forever, Shirleen clapped her hands and called for everyone's attention.
        "We gonna start rehearsin' this heah thang now, " she drawled, "Y'all in the
weddin' need ta git back heah at this entry, so's we can git this done with.
Carrie, what chew doin' up theyah?  Ah done tol' you ta leave the cherbsn
penis alone.  Now git back heah."
        "Yes'm, mama, I'm coming."
        Rhiannon and Paco looked at one another and she hastily excused herself
mumbling something about the bathroom.
        Randi looked at Tracy and Jay and whispered, "What's a cherbsn, and why is
Carrie playing with its penis?"
        Tracy put her head on Jay's shoulder to hide her tears of laughter, and Jay
just shrugged at his sister as if to say, "Who the hell knows."
Disclaimers in Part 1



                                                        PART 3/4


        Rhiannon re-entered the church as Shirleen started directing traffic.  She
made her way back to Paco's side and sat down next to him and Patty Sue, who
had insisted that Rhee and Paco were to sit with the rest of Eddie Joe's
family.  Patty Sue gave her hand a little squeeze to thank her for not losing
it in front of everyone just as Shirleen called out to them.
        "Now listen up, y'all.  We ain't got all night heah and we need ta git this
right.  Patty Sue, Ah need ya back heah so's that Miranda's man cin escoat ya
up to yo' seat when the muthuh's march plays.  Ya gonna be right after
Carrie's mamaw who was feelin' right poorly tonight, but she'll be heah fo'
the ceremony.  Now, yo' best man, what's his name, needs ta go with y'all to
the back room, Eddie Joe.  Whatcha all jest standin' 'round fer anyway?"
        Pointing to Vachon, Randi, Emmy Jo and Hannah Lynn, she said, "Now, y'all, ya
don't need ta be jest standin' theyah lookin' like ya cain't figger out what
ta do.  Y'all need to be back heah, so git a move on.  Cissy, wheyah's thet
ettykit book Ah gave ya today?  We need to git these heah people lined up like
it sez ta do."
        Cissy, the maid of honor, lumbered down the aisle with an ancient book in her
hand, which she gave to Carrie Sue's mother, "Ah marked the page fer ya, Miz
Shirleen.  It sez thet we need to go down the aisle lahk in the pitcha."
        "All right, now, y'all.  Time's a-wastin' and thet food in the hall's gonna
git mighty cold effen we don' hurry.  Now, boy, what's yo' name?" Shirleen
asked, pointing at Vachon.
        "It's Javier Vachon, ma'am," Vachon replied with what Randi realized was a
touch of amusement.
        "Well, whatevah.  Ya take Patty Sue heah and escoat her ta thet first pew up
theyah.  Then you git back heah so's ya cin walk down the aisle with the othah
boys.  Ya think ya cin do thet?"
        "Yes, ma'am," he said taking Patty Sue's arm and starting to walk up the
aisle.
        "Not yet, boy.  Don' be in sech a hurry.  Ah'll tell ya when ta take her up
theyah.  Now ya need to wait for the muthuh's music, afore ya take her to her
seat.  The penis is gonna play the granma's march lahk she'll do for mamaw
tomorry, so yull know what it sounds like.  Then when she gits through, she'll
play the muthuh's march an' yull take Miz Patty to her seat.  Cin ya remembuh
thet?"
        "I think so," Vachon said.
        Randi had finally figured out that the penis Shirleen kept referring to, was
the pianist, but she still didn't have a clue what a cherbsn was.  She looked
at Tracy who just shrugged her shoulders and turned her head to keep from
laughing.
Finally after nine tries, Shirleen was happy with the way everyone walked up
the aisle and declared that the rehearsal was over and it was time to eat.
There was literally a stampede as Carrie Sue's friends and relations all but
trampled one another in an attempt to get to the table in the fellowship hall.
It was positively laden down with all sorts of food.
        On the way from Shreveport, Rhiannon had warned Tracy about eating anything
that didn't look familiar to her, "Here in the South, Tracy, these good ole
boys will hunt anything and their women will figure out a way to cook it.  So
if you can't identify something by looking at it, I'd suggest you bypass it.
You never can tell exactly what animal the "mystery meat" could have come
from."
        Fortunately, everything laid out on the table was easily identifiable.  There
was ham and turkey with two different kinds of stuffing; there was enough rice
to feed all of China, along with green bean casserole, potato salad, cole
slaw, rolls, corn, and a relish tray.  Iced tea and lemonade were available to
drink and there were at least a dozen pies of all varieties for dessert.
        It soon became obvious that the Waverly natives were too busy chowing down to
pay attention to the fact that Paco and Javier were not partaking of the
feast.  They slipped out the side door to avoid any undue attention, and were
soon joined by Jimmy Ray and Jay.
        "I sure do appreciate all y'all have done for us, Paco.  I know Patty Sue
could never have survived this mess without Miss Rhee's help.  And, Vachon, it
was right good of you to agree to fill in for Steve and be an usher in this
horror show," Jimmy Ray told the two vampires.
        Taking him to one side for a little privacy, Vachon replied, "Jimmy Ray, I
owe my life and my good fortune to have found Randi, to you and Rhiannon.  As
long as you and Miss Patty Sue are alive, if you ever need me for anything,
I'll be there for you."
        "Young man, you may look like a hippie, with that long hair and all, but I'd
be willing to bet, it's just an act and that you were brought up to be a
gentleman."
        Laughing, Vachon said, "Now that's our little secret, Jimmy Ray.  But you're
right.  I did come from a well-bred family long ago.  It's just kind of fun to
see people's reactions to me now."
        Right then Randi came out the side door, along with Tracy and both were
laughing until the tears rolled down their cheeks, "Jay, I just found out what
a cherbsn is and you'll never guess in a million years what it is."
        "Sis, please don't keep us in suspense.  I give in, just tell us."
        Struggling to keep from bursting into another fit of giggles, she pointed to
the windows of the church, "You see those god awful little angels sitting in
the windows with all that netting and magnolias surrounding them?  Those are
cherbsns.  Shirleen was telling Carrie Sue to leave the cherubs and the
pianist alone!"
         Walking over to Jimmy Ray, she took his arm and said, "Jimmy Ray, you and
Patty Sue need to be made saints after this.  I don't know how you can stand
that horrible woman."
        "Well, Little Bit," Jimmy Ray replied, using his pet name for Randi, "Patty
Sue and I figure that after this whole disaster is done with, we're gonna take
your mom up on her offer for us to take a little vacation at her place on
Montego Bay.  Then we figure that since those two idiots will be living and
working in Shreveport, we won't have to be exposed to these imbeciles here in
Waverly very often.  As a matter of fact, we really don't expect to see much
of Eddie Joe and Carrie Sue, which quite frankly suits me just fine.  And if I
wasn't Eddie Joe's dad, I'd be joining Steve at the stock car races in
Hallsville tomorrow, instead of being here."
        Patty Sue and Rhiannon walked out of the church and approached the small
group standing near the limo.
        "Let's get out of here, guys," Rhee said, "We've got a long drive back home,
then we've got to turn around and do it again tomorrow."
        There was a collective sigh of relief as Jimmy Ray, Patty Sue and their
daughters went back into the church to bid a hasty good-bye to their son and
his intended, while Paco slid behind the wheel of the limo with Rhee at his
side.  Jay, Tracy, Randi and Vachon piled in the back seat and settled in for
the ride home.  The entire way home, the young couples in the back seat
laughed and carried on about the "unusual" wedding rehearsal they had taken
part in, and speculated on how much worse it could possibly be the following
day at the wedding.
        It had been a long day for Randi, Jay, Tracy, and Rhee, and when they got
home, they informed Paco and Javier that they absolutely had to get some sleep
or they'd never make it to the wedding the next night.  Paco accompanied
Rhiannon to their room and settled her in for the night, before returning to
the living room of the main house at the ranch.  He intended to watch some
television and maybe read a little before trying to get some sleep himself.
        Vachon had disappeared into the room he was sharing with Randi, hoping for a
little "make up after a fight loving", but she told him to let her sleep for a
while and then wake her before he came to bed for the day.  So he gave her a
quick kiss good night, then wandered back into the living room and joined
Paco.
        "You know, Paco, " he said as he entered the room, "I thought I had had some
pretty strange experiences in my five centuries, but I honestly think tonight
has been the strangest."
        "You'll get no argument from me there, Amigo.  But I have the feeling that
the worst is yet to come.  I think tomorrow will be the weirdest day in both
of our long existences."
        "Can it possibly get any worse than it was earlier?  I just don't see how,
Paco."
Rising from his chair, Paco walked over to Vachon and put his hand on Vachon's
shoulder, "Trust me on this one, Javito.  Deep in these old bones, I have the
feeling that "we ain't seen nothing yet".  Now, how about a game of pool
before we rejoin our ladies?"
        "You're on, Paco."
        The two vampires went into the game room and whiled away a couple of hours
shooting pool.  About an hour before dawn, they each went back to their
respective bedrooms and awakened their ladies.  They then engaged in some
infinitely more satisfying "games" with their lovers for the next couple of
hours.
Disclaimers in Part 1

                                                        PART 4/4


        "Oh, great," thought Rhiannon, as she sipped from a mug of coffee in front of
her and read the morning newspaper, "This is just what this farce needs."
        She was reading the weather forecast, which was predicting a strong chance of
late afternoon and early evening thunderstorms for all of Northern Louisiana.
The day had dawned clear, but chilly, and the sun was shining brightly in the
eastern sky as she idly toyed with the remnants of her breakfast.  Esther had
prepared a traditional Southern style breakfast for all of them, complete with
eggs, sausage, bacon, ham, steak, pancakes, waffles, and the ever-present
grits.  Rhiannon had eaten her fill while reading the paper and was merely
waiting for Jay, Tracy, and Randi to make an appearance.
        A few minutes later, Jay and Tracy entered the breakfast room and said good
morning to Rhee before attacking Esther's breakfast with gusto.
        "The weather report says rain later today, Jay," his mother told him as he
drank from his coffee cup, "Lord, that's all we need to complete this fiasco
of a wedding.  It's also supposed to get cold after the front moves through.
I guess it's way past time.  We've had an unusually mild winter so far, but
it's been a lot wetter than normal."
        "Now, Mom, you know you love it down here or else you'd have high-tailed it
up to Toronto long ago.  Besides a little water won't hurt anything."
        "Except those dresses.  With that cheap satin Shirleen and Carrie Sue picked
out, I can just see burgundy dye all over that nasty green carpet and the
girls' skin," Rhee shot back.
        "So red running all over the place will make Jav and Paco feel right at home
now won't it?" he teased her.
        Just then Randi walked into the room and mumbled something that sounded like
"good morning" to Rhee, Jay, and Tracy.  She looked half-asleep, but her eyes
lit up when she saw Esther's feast, and she took some of everything except the
eggs, and sat down at the table across from her mother.
        "Mom, can I be lazy until it's time to leave for beautiful downtown Waverly,
or do we have anything that's just got to be done?" she asked.
        "No, Sweetie.  You can be as lazy as you like.  Patty Sue and I figured we'd
leave here with you, Emmy Jo, Hannah Lynn, Tracy and Esther around two this
afternoon.  That way we can travel dressed comfortably, then change there.
The guys can leave here around four and still get there in plenty of time to
change into their tuxes and it'll make it easier for Vachon and Paco also.
Just let the poor boy get enough rest, will you?"
        "Mama!  He's the one who woke me up this morning when he came to bed.  He's
been trying to make up for being such a pest the past week.  I was planning to
settle in on the couch and watch TV or just be lazy until I had to take a
shower and get ready to go."
        "Mom, if you don't need me and Trace for anything, I thought we'd get dressed
and I'd take her on a tour of the ranch and maybe go into Shreveport.  Do you
need anything while we're gone?" Jay said as he arose from his chair.
        "Mmm, I can't think of anything offhand but if I do I'll let you know before
you leave.  Have a good day, but don't lose track of time," Rhee told Jay as
she rose to refill her cup and head in the direction of her bedroom.
         The day was fairly quiet until it was time for the women to leave. They were
taking the limo and had it loaded down with dresses, tuxedos, make up, curling
irons, hair brushes, shoes and anything else they thought they might possibly
need.  The ride to Waverly was uneventful, although the sky was beginning to
darken ominously as they reached the church shortly after four that afternoon.
Shirleen was already there and pointed them in the direction of a large room
in the back of the fellowship hall that they could use to get ready.  It took
them the next two hours to get themselves presentable for the wedding, and all
agreed that Randi was indeed stunning in the bridesmaid dress, although Emmy
and Hannah were just as lovely.
The men arrived with fifteen minutes to spare before the start of the wedding.
Time enough for Jay and Vachon to slip into their tuxes and Paco into his
suit.
        "Now, y'all, git a move on.  We's gonna be late effen we don't hurry up,"
Shirleen hollered from the fellowship hall, "Carrie Sue, quitcha admahing
yo'self in the mirruh.  Yo' as purty as yo' evah gonna be.  Y'all need ta git
ta the back of the church afore it starts rainin'.  Now let's go!"
        Emmy Jo had been walking around looking at the meager snacks being put out by
some of Carrie Sue's aunts for after the ceremony.  She came back into the
room where her sister and Randi were putting finishing touches to their hair.
        "Hannah, Randi, you just aren't going to believe how Carrie Sue looks.  Lord
Almighty, she looks like an elephant wrapped in a king-size sheet that's got
sparkles glued to it.  And her makeup makes her look like a clown.  Oh dear, I
don't know if I can keep a straight face, and Mama's threatening me with
severe bodily injury if I don't behave," Emmy Jo reported with a shake of her
head.
        She continued, "And Cissy's gown looks positively dreadful on her.  It's a
halter -top thing and she's wearing ivory gloves and shoes and a flower in her
hair.  And she clipped those damn red roses to the toes of the shoes.  "Rocky
Horror Picture Show", here we come."
        The girls made their way to the back of the church and tried their best to
ignore their surroundings.  The same people were present, as had been at the
rehearsal the night before, and most looked like they had the same clothes on.
Grandma and Grandpa, standing at the back of the church, waiting to be seated,
were a sight to behold.  Mamaw wore a psychedelic print, lime colored, long
green gown, with black house slippers.  Papaw sported a plaid flannel shirt,
tan twill pants, red suspenders and a brown belt.  He, too, was wearing house
slippers.  When they smiled at the girls, they had no more than three teeth
between them, and they continued to beam broadly throughout the ceremony.
        Before escorting Patty Sue to her seat, Vachon slipped up behind Randi and
whispered in her ear, "You look positively ravishing, mi vida.  Can we go out
somewhere after this and let me wine and dine my beautiful witch?"
        "We'll see," was all she had a chance to say before Shirleen grabbed his arm
and dragged him over to Patty Sue.
        "Now lissen up y'all.  We's 'bout ready ta start this heah weddin'.  Ah don'
want no messin' up, ya heah?  James Thomas, git ready ta escoat yo' mamaw to
her seat.  Daddy, don' go wanderin' off.  Jest folla James Thomas an' he'll
git ya in yo' seat.  An' when James Thomas gits back heah, yo' gonna tek Patty
Sue up ta her seat, then git raht back heah, so's we cin git the procession
goin'," she said pointing to Vachon, who merely nodded at her.
        James Thomas and Vachon completed their assigned tasks without mishaps and
were getting ready to walk down the aisle per Shirleen's instructions when she
stopped the music and in essence, the entire wedding.
        "Bubba, git back heah.  I don' tol' you last naht not ta walk so fast up the
aisle.  And James Thomas, take yo' hands outta yo' pockets.  Ya actin' lahk ya
ain't bin brought up propahly.  I guess yull do OK, whatevah yo' name is.  Ya
seem ta be the onliest one what cin folly dahrecshun's." she said to Vachon
and the others.
        "Now, we's gonna start this agin an' Ah wan' it done raht this heah time,
cause we caint keep doin' this lahk last naht."
        She gave the signal for the pianist to start playing again, and she hurried
down the aisle to her seat, just as Bubba reached the front of the church.
James Thomas and Vachon followed him.
        The bridesmaids proceeded to walk down the aisle in single file, with Emmy Jo
in the lead followed by Hannah Lynn, then Randi.  Cissy's daughter, who was
the flower girl, and who had been made up so heavily that the poor little girl
looked like something out of the "Exorcist", followed Randi.  She was followed
by the ring bearer, Stevie, who was not quite three years old and was a
distant cousin of Carrie Sue's.  He was not quite three years old and was the
ring bearer.  Looking as horrible as Emmy Jo described her, Cissy, the maid of
honor, strutted like a peacock down the aisle before the bride.
        Bringing up the rear came Carrie Sue.  She did indeed look like a cross
between an elephant and a pregnant whale decked out in a huge satin sheet with
sparkles and spangles glued to it, and a bow about three feet wide plastered
to her wide derriere.   Even through the veil covering her face, it was
obvious that she had overdone her makeup and she was grinning like a Chesire
cat.  Later Tracy told Jay that she was reminded of Chucky from the "Child's
Play" movies.
        The entourage lined up at the front of the church as they had been instructed
the previous evening, and in ten minutes, the preacher had gone through the
wedding vows and pronounced Eddie Joe and Carrie Sue man and wife.  After
introducing the newly married couple to the assembly as Mr. and Mrs. Eddie Joe
Saunders, he then made the mistake of announcing that there were refreshments
in the fellowship hall.         Before the wedding party could proceed out of the
church, the Alford friends and relations literally stampeded in the direction
of the hall and the food.  Shirleen had to run in and tell them to leave the
wedding cake alone until they could take pictures and have a receiving line,
as one of Carrie's aunts had stationed herself behind the cake and was about
to start cutting into it as Shirleen stopped her.
        One of Carrie Sue's cousins fancied himself to be a photographer and had
volunteered to take the pictures.  Only problem was, they had to keep retaking
shots, as he just couldn't seem to get the camera properly focused.  Carrie
Sue also had this idea in her head that her photos had to be taken from a side
view as she had seen the pose in a bridal magazine.  Randi and Vachon just
shook their heads in amazement at the sight a three hundred pound, five months
pregnant, bride turned sideways was.
        Rhiannon and Paco took several pictures of Jay and Tracy, Randi and Javier,
and Jimmy and Patty's girls so that they would all have keepsakes of the nicer
part of this horror show.  After they were through they all went into the
fellowship hall for the farce of a receiving line.  It was Shirleen's idea to
have the bride, the groom, their parents and grandparents lined up on one side
of the hall and the rest of the party on the other side.  Members of the
receiving line gradually wandered off to do their own thing and weren't even
missed.
        Once the receiving line was finished to Shirleen's satisfaction, Jay toasted
the bride and groom, who then cut the cake, a gorgeous creation, but too sweet
for most people to eat, which didn't stop the hillbillies any.  They grabbed
pieces and chunks of cake to take home with them.
        Then it was time for the groom to remove the garter from his new bride's leg.
When Carrie Sue sat down and lifted her dress, Jay couldn't help but whisper
to Vachon, who was standing next to him, "God, Jav, that thing's big enough to
be a life preserver!"
        "Yeah, and with my luck the way it's been going since I agreed to this, I'll
catch the damn thing and one of those god awful hicks will catch the bouquet.
You better catch it, Jay," was Vachon's reply.
        "Not on your life.  Let's see if we can "arrange" for Paco to get the garter
and Mom to get the bouquet.  Then maybe we can hurry their nuptials along."
        "You got a deal, my man."
        Due to their conniving, Jay and Vachon managed to elbow all the other
eligible men out of the way so Paco could catch the garter, and Randi just
happened to put a "little whammy" on the single women so Rhiannon could catch
the bouquet.
Shortly after that ritual was complete, everyone began to leave as the cake,
punch, chips and dip were finished.  The girls changed back to their other
clothes, and the guys changed into their jeans and shirts.  It was agreed that
the previous night's return home travel arrangements would work very well,
with the addition of Esther and Vincent to the limo party.
        The predicted rain began during the wedding and had turned into a real
downpour by the time they were ready to leave.  It had also gotten
considerably colder, letting Tracy and Randi take advantage of the drop in
temperature and cuddle next to Jay and Javier on the ride home.  Neither of
them minded that little perk in the least and took advantage of it to sneak
kisses and hugs whenever they could.  The party arrived back at the ranch
shortly after midnight and the young folks decided to party in Shreveport.
They stayed out until nearly six a.m. and arrived home just before dawn broke.
        Paco and Rhiannon were still up and were obviously waiting for them.
        "Well, kids, after this mess, do you think you're all up to a wedding in
October?" Rhiannon asked them, "Paco and I thought we'd get married on
Halloween.  It just seems right somehow."
        Jay replied for them all when he said, "Only if there aren't any cherbsn
penises present."


The end for now.  If I survive the flames this is sure to generate, or if you
don't die laughing reading this, there is one more story in the works
featuring Vachon, Randi, Tracy, Jay and Co.  If you don't believe this
actually happened, e-mail me, I've got the pictures to prove I haven't
completely lost my mind.  Lacemom