Date: Wed, 08 Sep 1999 20:27:34 -0700 To: fkfic-l@lists.psu.edu From: CjSachiko Subject: ADULT: I'd Die Without You (01/02) Cc: fkarchiver@fkfanfic.com Disclaimers: The characters belong to TPTB (Sony/TriStar et al). The lyrics are from the song by PM Dawn, "I'd Die Without You" and are indicated by **. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this. Permission to archive granted only to www.fkfanfic.com and my ownfanfic basket (link indicated below). All others, please contact me first. All mistakes are my own. As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. n.b. This story contains adult situations. If this isn't your cup of tea, the exit is just a mouse click away. Part one is from Nick's POV. Part two is from Nat's POV. I couldn't decide whose POV I wanted it from, so I was encouraged to write both. Each section can stand on its own (I hope ). ./~ waves to the N&NNuts & N&NPack :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+ I'd Die Without You (01/02) by Cj [CjSachiko@earthlink.net] http://members.tripod.com/~EngrCj (c) September 1999 :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+ Her skin is soft and warm against mine as my arms wrap around her. She sighs, content in my embrace. She runs her hands over my body, through the clothing, then removes them. I feel each burning caress as her body rubs against mine. My arms tighten around her. I keep my eyes closed, not wanting the dream to end. But that's all it is, isn't it? An illusion. **Is it my turn to wish you were lying here **I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping Each time I have this dream, it haunts me and I am unable to concentrate. I become cold, indifferent, and positively awful to anyone who comes near me. The scent of her blood comforts me, calms me as I apologize for my behavior. I would bury my face in her hair, inhaling the wondrous aroma as we hug. After our grueling shifts, we would sit together on the couch, watching a video. I would think of ways to make her fall in love with me. Then I would realize, I'd already fallen in love with her. Each time I awoke from this dream, I would be alone. The cold comfort of the loft frustrated me. I would stand by the shuttered windows, with one hand on the remote and the other holding a glass of sustenance. "Is she awake?" I would ask myself. "Does she dream of me? Does she care for me?" Only silence would answer. **Is it my turn to fictionalize my world **Or even imagine your emotions to tell myself anything . . . I return to my dream, cradling her. I whisper my love and she replies with her own soft breath. I know she cannot hear me. She isn't here with me. It isn't her hands that I hold within mine. It isn't her lips that touch mine. It isn't her cries of pleasure that I hear. It isn't her fingers that dig into my back as years of denial are released in our first moment of shared passion. **Is it my turn to hold you by your hands **Tell you I love you and you not hear me I remember LaCroix's words from earlier tonight. "Love. How it toys with us. Makes utter fools of us. Clubs, whips . . . and spanks us. Listen to the voices of the unloved as they surge and retreat in the night . . . Whisper to empty rooms . . . And lonely beds. The hunger of love. Unattained. Rushing through our fingers. Unstoppable. Fleeting. Gone. And yet, when we touch this love, it burns us with its bright flame. It punishes and consumes. And yet we must have it. It rules us. Uses. Abuses. Misuses. And yet why do we always crawl back for more?" She was upset at me, and more tired than I'd ever seen her before. "What's wrong?" I had asked, concerned. She used my remote to turn off the stereo, and then she stood. "I've been doing a lot of thinking." She fidgeted. Fatigue had hardened her voice. "Should I sit down?" "No. No, this shouldn't take long. I never thought it would come to this, but I'm going to have to give up on you, Nick. I just don't have the strength anymore . . . I have to go." I was stunned. "Natalie, please--. Natalie!" She walked away from me, and in that moment, out of my life. **Is it my turn to totally understand **To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing In the station, she told me, "Maybe there's nothing left to say." I decided to prove to her that there was so much more that I wanted to say. I had chosen flowers that would hold significance only between us. My feelings had poured out of me onto the card. **If I have to give away, the feeling that I feel **If I have to sacrifice, whatever babe, whatever baby **If I have to take apart, all that I am **Is there anything that I would not do **'Cause inside I'd die without you ~Natalie, I love you. I have never been so consumed by any single emotion, until I met you. Each moment I am away from you, my emotions intensify. I know I haven't said these words to you before, but I am telling you now. I love you. I'm sorry to have caused you any pain. But I am not sorry for falling in love with you. I'm drowning in my love for you. Will you rescue me? Love, Nicholas~ **Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done **But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning I dared not to hope that she would come. So I sat alone, playing the piano. Many tears fell from my eyes as dawn arrived and I realized she hadn't. I had closed the shutters and washed my face of the bloodtears. I didn't bother to change. I stared at the television, watching the Jerry Tate show when she arrived. **Is it my turn to be the one to cry **Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around "They're beautiful. And the card . . ." She had liked them. I had been glad. "Well, I had to get you here somehow." I smiled at her. "It worked. So, what have you been up to this last little while?" "The usual." I replied. She turned to the television. "Ah, the new and improved Jerry Tate show." "It takes a major crisis to turn some people around." "You could have made something up." "About?" "That day in the precinct. The last time we spoke. You just stood there, speechless. It took me a while, but I figured it out. I saw more than you think I saw. I saw how much you cared, I just needed you to say it. Oh, my God, if I start talking about 'wellness' and 'unwellness' love, shoot me." "You can count on it." I caressed her cheek. "I don't think you ever will understand how much I care." I had kissed her . . . and kissed her. At first, she had been hesitant but slowly relaxed as I led her upstairs. **So take every little piece of my heart . . . **So take every little piece of my soul . . . **So take every little piece of my mind . . . **'Cause if you're gone, inside **I'd die without you The tethers of reality tighten around my dream. My eyes open wide as I hear moaning and feel my hardness encased in a hot silky sheath. I move within her, matching the rhythm she sets. I come close to my release and my eyes change color. I shut them, but with the gentlest of touches, she urges me to open them. Our eyes meet and we exchange whispers. **If I have to give away, the feeling that I feel **If I have to sacrifice, whatever baby **If I have to take apart, all that I am **Is there anything that I would not do **'Cause I'd die without you My dream has come true. [End "I'd Die Without You" (01/02)] [CjSachiko@earthlink.net] -Cj *N&NP*N&NNut*ClosetCousin*Keeper of the Haunted Melodies*DSS-Novice Naivete* *CjSachiko@earthlink.net*Clan Toreador*http://members.tripod.com/~EngrCj* "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." --Isaac Asimov Disclaimers: The characters belong to TPTB (Sony/TriStar et al). The lyrics are from the song by PM Dawn, "I'd Die Without You" and are indicated by **. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this. Permission to archive granted only to www.fkfanfic.com and my ownfanfic basket (link indicated below). All others, please contact me first. All mistakes are my own. As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. n.b. This story contains adult situations. If this isn't your cup of tea, the exit is just a mouse click away. Part one is from Nick's POV. Part two is from Nat's POV. I couldn't decide whose POV I wanted it from, so I was encouraged to write both. Each section can stand on its own (I hope ). ./~ waves to the N&NNuts & N&NPack :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+ I'd Die Without You (01/02) by Cj [CjSachiko@earthlink.net] http://members.tripod.com/~EngrCj (c) September 1999 :+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+ Her skin is soft and warm against mine as my arms wrap around her. She sighs, content in my embrace. She runs her hands over my body, through the clothing, then removes them. I feel each burning caress as her body rubs against mine. My arms tighten around her. I keep my eyes closed, not wanting the dream to end. But that's all it is, isn't it? An illusion. **Is it my turn to wish you were lying here **I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping Each time I have this dream, it haunts me and I am unable to concentrate. I become cold, indifferent, and positively awful to anyone who comes near me. The scent of her blood comforts me, calms me as I apologize for my behavior. I would bury my face in her hair, inhaling the wondrous aroma as we hug. After our grueling shifts, we would sit together on the couch, watching a video. I would think of ways to make her fall in love with me. Then I would realize, I'd already fallen in love with her. Each time I awoke from this dream, I would be alone. The cold comfort of the loft frustrated me. I would stand by the shuttered windows, with one hand on the remote and the other holding a glass of sustenance. "Is she awake?" I would ask myself. "Does she dream of me? Does she care for me?" Only silence would answer. **Is it my turn to fictionalize my world **Or even imagine your emotions to tell myself anything . . . I return to my dream, cradling her. I whisper my love and she replies with her own soft breath. I know she cannot hear me. She isn't here with me. It isn't her hands that I hold within mine. It isn't her lips that touch mine. It isn't her cries of pleasure that I hear. It isn't her fingers that dig into my back as years of denial are released in our first moment of shared passion. **Is it my turn to hold you by your hands **Tell you I love you and you not hear me I remember LaCroix's words from earlier tonight. "Love. How it toys with us. Makes utter fools of us. Clubs, whips . . . and spanks us. Listen to the voices of the unloved as they surge and retreat in the night . . . Whisper to empty rooms . . . And lonely beds. The hunger of love. Unattained. Rushing through our fingers. Unstoppable. Fleeting. Gone. And yet, when we touch this love, it burns us with its bright flame. It punishes and consumes. And yet we must have it. It rules us. Uses. Abuses. Misuses. And yet why do we always crawl back for more?" She was upset at me, and more tired than I'd ever seen her before. "What's wrong?" I had asked, concerned. She used my remote to turn off the stereo, and then she stood. "I've been doing a lot of thinking." She fidgeted. Fatigue had hardened her voice. "Should I sit down?" "No. No, this shouldn't take long. I never thought it would come to this, but I'm going to have to give up on you, Nick. I just don't have the strength anymore . . . I have to go." I was stunned. "Natalie, please--. Natalie!" She walked away from me, and in that moment, out of my life. **Is it my turn to totally understand **To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing In the station, she told me, "Maybe there's nothing left to say." I decided to prove to her that there was so much more that I wanted to say. I had chosen flowers that would hold significance only between us. My feelings had poured out of me onto the card. **If I have to give away, the feeling that I feel **If I have to sacrifice, whatever babe, whatever baby **If I have to take apart, all that I am **Is there anything that I would not do **'Cause inside I'd die without you ~Natalie, I love you. I have never been so consumed by any single emotion, until I met you. Each moment I am away from you, my emotions intensify. I know I haven't said these words to you before, but I am telling you now. I love you. I'm sorry to have caused you any pain. But I am not sorry for falling in love with you. I'm drowning in my love for you. Will you rescue me? Love, Nicholas~ **Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done **But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning I dared not to hope that she would come. So I sat alone, playing the piano. Many tears fell from my eyes as dawn arrived and I realized she hadn't. I had closed the shutters and washed my face of the bloodtears. I didn't bother to change. I stared at the television, watching the Jerry Tate show when she arrived. **Is it my turn to be the one to cry **Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around "They're beautiful. And the card . . ." She had liked them. I had been glad. "Well, I had to get you here somehow." I smiled at her. "It worked. So, what have you been up to this last little while?" "The usual." I replied. She turned to the television. "Ah, the new and improved Jerry Tate show." "It takes a major crisis to turn some people around." "You could have made something up." "About?" "That day in the precinct. The last time we spoke. You just stood there, speechless. It took me a while, but I figured it out. I saw more than you think I saw. I saw how much you cared, I just needed you to say it. Oh, my God, if I start talking about 'wellness' and 'unwellness' love, shoot me." "You can count on it." I caressed her cheek. "I don't think you ever will understand how much I care." I had kissed her . . . and kissed her. At first, she had been hesitant but slowly relaxed as I led her upstairs. **So take every little piece of my heart . . . **So take every little piece of my soul . . . **So take every little piece of my mind . . . **'Cause if you're gone, inside **I'd die without you The tethers of reality tighten around my dream. My eyes open wide as I hear moaning and feel my hardness encased in a hot silky sheath. I move within her, matching the rhythm she sets. I come close to my release and my eyes change color. I shut them, but with the gentlest of touches, she urges me to open them. Our eyes meet and we exchange whispers. **If I have to give away, the feeling that I feel **If I have to sacrifice, whatever baby **If I have to take apart, all that I am **Is there anything that I would not do **'Cause I'd die without you My dream has come true. [End "I'd Die Without You" (01/02)] [CjSachiko@earthlink.net] -Cj *N&NP*N&NNut*ClosetCousin*Keeper of the Haunted Melodies*DSS-Novice Naivete* *CjSachiko@earthlink.net*Clan Toreador*http://members.tripod.com/~EngrCj* "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." --Isaac Asimov