Return-Path: kcwpsj@box100.com Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 20:50:02 -0400 To: FKarchiver@fkfanfic.com From: Kim Colley Subject: Knightfeld (1/2) Here's a screenplay for the archives if you want it. Forever Knight is the intellectual property of Sony and James Parriott et al., and Seinfeld belongs to NBC, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David and a host of attorneys, I'm sure. No copyright infringement is intended, but who cares, since this is a parody. Knightfeld by Kim Colley Act I, Scene 1 (Open in Jerry's apartment. Friday afternoon. Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button.) Elaine: It's me. Jerry: C'mon up. (Jerry opens the fridge, takes out a V-8 and starts drinking. Elaine enters, tosses her purse on the floor, then flops onto the couch.) Jerry: (Looks at Elaine, pauses) Comfortable? (Elaine puts her hands behind her head, smiling with satisfaction.) Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's just that I'm a little tired. Jerry: Okay, Miss Benes. Tell me all about him. Elaine: What are you talking about? Ohhhh. You mean have I met a guy? Well, as it so happens, I did meet someone. Jerry: So, come on. What's his name, what's he like? Elaine: His name is Nick, and he's tall, blond, handsome, intelligent, sensitive — (notices the bottle of V-8) What's with that? ‘D you run out of Snapple? Jerry: I don't know. I just had a craving for something richer. So what does Wonder Boy do for a living? Elaine: He's a cop. Jerry: Oho, a little S&M thing going on there? Elaine: We haven't progressed to that stage yet. I just met him last night, at this new club. Jerry: Oh, the Crow? (Kramer bursts in.) Kramer: The Crow? Hey, I hear that's a happening night spot. The club for the creme de la hipsters. (Points to Elaine.) You go there? Elaine: Last night. Jerry: She met someone. A member of New York's finest. Kramer: They let cops in there? Elaine: He's not from New York, he's from Toronto. Kramer: Toronto? They're not allowed down here. It's against the law. Jerry: What are you talking about? Kramer: No. That's in violation of our sacrosanct jurisdiction. They let in Canadian cops and pretty soon it's anarchy! Canucks running wild in the streets! (Elaine and Jerry roll their eyes and ignore him.) Jerry: So you seeing him again tonight? Elaine: Yeah, I'm meeting him there. Hey, you oughta come. Jerry: (Nodding) I might. (Jerry turns to Kramer.) How about you? You wanna go? Kramer: Oh, I'm definitely down. (Kramers grabs a V-8 from the fridge, exits.) Scene 2 (Interior of a sleek, expensive nightclub, decorated in black and chrome. Elaine enters first, Jerry and George behind her. They spot Kramer at the bar, talking and laughing with an elegantly beautiful brunette.) George: (Raising hands in frustration) How does he do it? He has no job, no prospects, he looks and acts like a carnival freak, and he gets the most beautiful woman in the room. Elaine: Well, he does have the Kavorka. Jerry: (nods, shrugging in agreement) Elaine: (slapping George's arm) C'mon, I see Nick over there. I'll introduce you. Then get lost. Jerry: Yeah, yeah, don't worry. We'll leave before you break out the whips and chains. (Nick approaches, takes Elaine by the hands and kisses her.) Nick: Hi, Elaine. Are these the friends you were telling me about? Elaine: Yeah. This is Jerry, and this is George. (Men shake hands.) Nick: It's nice to meet you. Jerry: Same here. George: (still cranky) Nice to meet you. Jerry: This is some club. Nick: Yes, it is pretty nice. My friend owns it. That's her over there, talking to that tall, lanky fellow. Come on, I'll introduce you. (Janette looks up at Nick's approach.) Janette: (with just a hint of a bite in her voice) Nicolas, how kind of you to bring your friends here. This gentleman has been entertaining me with tales of his career as an actor. Kramer: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" Nick: Janette, this is Elaine, Jerry and George. (They nod greetings. Janette slides off her stool and slips her arm through George's.) Janette: Nicolas, you never told me you had such handsome friends here in New York. (George flushes and breaks out into a sweat.) Nick: (smiling) Be careful, George. She's quite the femme fatale. (Nick and Elaine proceed alone to a secluded table in the far corner of the club.) Kramer: (trying to coax Janette's attention back to him) You know, I once punched Mickey Mantle. Janette: (looking at him coolly) Really? How fascinating. George, you must tell me all about yourself. (Janette leads George to a secluded table in the opposite corner. Jerry and Kramer look at each other dubiously.) Kramer: Well. (Grins nervously.) I guess it's just you and me for the night. Jerry: I don't think so. I just don't feel comfortable in here. These people all look strange. Don't you notice anything odd about them? Kramer: (looking around) No. They're New Yorkers. They're supposed to look strange. Jerry: I don't know. I'm getting a weird vibe. I think I'll go home and watch Millenium. Kramer: But it's a re-run! Jerry: (waving) I'll see you. (Exit Jerry.) Kramer: (to no one in particular) How do you like that? I'm invited out for an evening's entertainment, and I get dumped by everyone. Lacroix: Not everyone. (Kramer turns to see Lacroix standing behind him. Lacroix takes the seat next to him.) Lacroix: I know how it is when those closest to you desert you. You lavish your time and attention on them, try and give them the benefit of your wisdom, and they spurn you and all your generous gifts. Kramer: (nods, gesturing with his cigar) Yeah. You're exactly right. Lacroix: All you want to do is help them, but they reject you in the mistaken belief that they can live their own lives without the benefit of your sage counsel. Kramer: Preach on, brother! Lacroix: (lips quirking in amusement) Do you play golf? There's a private little club nearby that doesn't object to the occasional midnight game. Kramer: Isn't it kind of hard to see the balls? Lacroix: I assure you, we shan't have any difficulty. They're quite white. Kramer: Giddy-up! Scene 3 (At Elaine & Nick's table at the Crow.) Nick: And that's when I knew it wasn't going to work out with Natalie. Elaine: Uh-huh. Nick: She was always trying to change me, and I really appreciated that at first. I thought it meant she cared. But after she kept forcing her protein drinks on me, testing her new formulas — you see, I have this allergy. Elaine: Yeah. (Pops a peanut in her mouth, looks around, sighs.) Nick: That's when I realized I was just a guinea pig to her, an experiment, just a chance to get her name into the Journal of Canadian Forensic Pathologists. I thought she really loved me, but I was wrong. She was just using me. I'm not boring you, am I? Elaine: Huh? No. No, this is fascinating. (Exhales deeply, puffing out her cheeks.) Nick: So tell me about yourself, Elaine. What do you do for a living? Elaine: I edit the J. Peterman catalog. Nick: (delighted) J. Peterman? I love their clothes. I have a suede duster of theirs, and I wear it every chance I get. (Looks away sadly.) Natalie bought it for me. It was our second anniversary, and she always joked that I needed something besides her to keep me warm. Elaine: (looking at watch) Oh, you know what? I just remembered. Mr. Peterman scheduled a 6 a.m. meeting tomorrow. I really need to get some sleep. (Stands.) Nick: (getting up) Oh, of course. I'll see you home. Elaine: (holding out her hands in protest) No! No, I wouldn't want to take you away from your friends. Stay and enjoy yourself. Nick: (a little crestfallen) Are you sure? Elaine: (backing away) Sure. You stay and have fun. (Elaine exits. Nick sits down and pops a peanut into his mouth, then realizes what he's doing and spits it back out.) Scene 4 (George and Janette's table.) Janette: (stroking his hand) You have beautiful hands, George. Has anyone ever told you that? George: Well, yes actually. They're very soft and delicate, yet somehow masculine, aren't they? Janette: (blinking) Yes. You took the words right out of my mouth. You seem to be able to read my mind, George. (Leans toward him.) Can you tell me what I'm thinking right now? (George's voiceover: That's a signal. That's a definite signal. But what if I'm wrong? What if I ask her to sleep with me and she just wants me to buy her a drink? Oh, for crying out loud, just ask her! She's practically sitting in your lap.) George: (smiling, sweating slightly again) You're thinking you want to go somewhere we can be alone? Janette: You must be psychic. (Stands and holds out her hand.) Come with me, George. Scene 5 (Moonlit golf course, fourth green.) Kramer: Hey, I saw that. (Lacroix, about to putt, turns around.) Lacroix: Saw what? Kramer: You just moved the ball with your toe. Lacroix: Don't be ridiculous. I did no such thing. (Lacroix turns around to putt, but Kramer grabs him by the arm and turns him back.) Kramer: Now look, buddy. You moved that ball. I saw you. I'm penalizing you one stroke. Lacroix: You will not. How dare you! I refuse to accept such a penalty. Kramer: Oh, yeah? (Bends down, picks up ball and throws it into the woods.) Accept that! Yeah! (Kramer turns and walks toward the golf cart. Lacroix, fangs bared, attacks him.) Scene 6 (Janette's bedroom. Janette lies in bed, sheet pulled up under her arms, an irritated look on her face.) George: (from under the covers) Wait, I've almost got it. Janette: Get out, George. George: (poking head from under sheet) What? But I just figured it out. Janette: So did I. Get out. George: Please. (Ducks head back under.) Give me another chance. (Janette pushes him off the mattress with her foot. George falls to the floor with a thud.) Janette: Out! (George gathers his clothes dejectedly and slinks out.) Janette: Ugh! I should never have come to New York! Kim Colley kcwpsj@box100.com X-POP3-Rcpt: fkarchiver@pulsar.skyport.net Return-Path: kcwpsj@box100.com X-Sender: kcwpsj@mail.box100.com Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 20:50:06 -0400 To: FKarchiver@fkfanfic.com From: Kim Colley Subject: Knightfeld (2/2) Here's the second part: Act II, Scene 1 (Next morning. Elaine's apartment. Phone rings, Elaine answers.) Elaine: Hello? Oh, hi, Nick. (Pause.) Tonight? No, I'm working late tonight. (Pause.) Yeah, I know it's Saturday, but, uh . . . (gulps) We're getting our holiday catalog together. Big issue. (Pause. Elaine nods.) Yup, May *is* awfully early to be working on the Christmas catalog, but, uh . . . we've got . . . LOTS of clothes. All new stuff, so our writers are really working overtime. (Pause.) So why aren't I at the office right now? (Thinking.) Because . . . the writers are there now. Yeah. See they work during the day, and then the editors come in at night and edit all the stuff they've written. (Forces laughter.) Yeah, just like the shoemaker and the elves. So, um, we're going to be *really* busy for a while. Why don't I, uh, why don't I call *you*? (Pause.) Okay. Okay, Nick. Bye. (Elaine puts down phone and sighs with relief.) Scene 2 (Kramer's darkened bedroom.) Kramer: aaaAAGGHHH!!! (Kramer sits up in bed, looks around hurriedly, realizes he's alone.) Scene 3 (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the couch watching a Yankees game. Kramer bursts in.) Kramer: Jerry! You gotta help me! Jerry: Kramer, the game's on! Kramer: This is more important than some stupid game. I've been bitten, Jerry. I've been bitten! Jerry: Bitten? What, have you got bugs? (Screwing face up in disgust and inching away from Kramer.) Well, don't bring ‘em in here. Kramer: No, not bugs! Vampires! Jerry: (relaxing) You just had a bad dream. Go back to bed. Kramer: (sitting down next to Jerry) No, I'm telling you, Jerry. You were right. Those people in that bar. They *were* strange. They're all vampires! One of ‘em took me golfing and he bit me! Jerry: You've been golfing with vampires. Kramer: (calming down) No, not vam*pires*. You think I'm crazy, I'm gonna go out with a whole crew of them? What, do you think I'm on tour with the vampire PGA? No. Just one vampire, Jerry. A big, tall guy, funny-looking, with a goofy haircut. Jerry: (looking Kramer up and down) Uh-huh. Kramer: We're on the fourth green, playing a friendly little game, and I catch him cheating! Jerry: Well, whaddaya expect? He's a vampire. Kramer: Well, that doesn't exempt him from the rules. I'm sorry, my friend, but if you can't abide by the rules, you've got NO business on the course. Jerry: So, what? You start ragging on him for cheating and he bites you? Kramer: Yeah! (Jerry shakes his head and returns his attention to the game.) Kramer: Who's winning? Jerry: A's, up by three. Kramer: It's those cotton uniforms. (Jerry nods in agreement.) Scene 4 (Saturday evening. Monk's Restaurant. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer are sitting in their booth, looking over menus. Jerry puts his down and looks at Elaine.) Jerry: So. How'd it go with Prince Valiant last night? Elaine: (rolling eyes and sticking out tongue in disgust) Bleah! *What* a *bore*! All he could do all night was talk about his ex. Jerry: (smugly) Gee. That's a shame. Elaine: (kicking George under the table) Hey! How ‘bout you? How was your date with Cruella de Ville? George: Don't talk about her like that. She's a very nice girl. Jerry: Well, well! Georgy, porgy! I take it all went well then? George: Well. She kicked me out of bed. But I think she'll give me another chance. All I've gotta do is get her to take my calls. (Slowly getting angry.) All day long I called, but does she answer? No! Where is she? She doesn't work during the day, so what's she doing?! Kramer: (calmly) Sleeping. (Kramer puts down his menu and smiles.) Kramer: Sleeping the sleep of the undead, my friend. Epilogue (The Raven, Toronto. Nick and Lacroix are seated at the bar, watching the go-go dancers.) Lacroix: So, Nicholas. I take it you decided to return to Natalie, hat in hand, to beg for forgiveness? Nick: (turning to Lacroix, eyes moist) Yes. I don't know what I was thinking. I'll never find anyone to replace her. I must have been crazy. (Pause, as they both consider the dancers a moment. Nick turns back to Lacroix.) Nick: So, what did you do this weekend? Lacroix: (Pause) Nothing. (Raises eyebrow and looks at Nick.) You? Nick: (shaking head) Me either. (Nick looks down suddenly at the bowl in his hands.) Nick: Say — these pretzels are making me thirsty. THE END. Kim Colley kcwpsj@box100.com