Date: Sun, 29 Sep 1996 22:57:42 -0400 From: Hello, This is my first attempt at a parody and my second posting in general to the list. I actually sent it through a smaller loop first, and was encouraged to post it here as well. This parody and others, BTW, will be available in a 'zine at BTK...proceeds will be going to charity. I'd like to thank Lizbet, Rain, Lee, Ro, and the other FangGangers for their encouragement, and for being guinea pigs in general. All FK characters property of TPTB, etc. etc.... All non-FK characters property of their respective PTBs, yada yada... Teigr Llew +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Last Knight--A Parody" (Opening Scene) by Teigr Llew Open on a woman cleaning a bathtub. She tries Comet, she tries Soft Scrub, she tries Hydrochloric acid...but she can't get out those damn hard water stains. LC Voiceover: Life is a peach. No...life is *like* a peach. Sweet on the inside, but kinda furry on the outside, and it can be very sticky. Shift to LaCroix standing on one of those merry-go-rounds from a children's playground. There's probably a long-involved FB about how it came to be in Nick's loft, but that's another story. LC is slowly twirling around on it, changing its direction back and forth. LC: Maybe life is a gift. Yeah! Life *is* a gift! But just in case, keep the receipt...otherwise it will be impossible to get a refund or store credit. I have never been able to understand the logic of willfully surrendering such a treasure. But then again, I've never been able to understand logic. Really, 'all tables have four legs, all sheep have four legs, therefore all sheep are tables' makes perfect sense to me. Shift back to the woman, now writing in a journal. She seals it into an envelope and gets a really nasty paper cut. LC Voiceover: What do you see from where you stand? I see the walls swishing back and forth. Does anybody have any Dramamine? Shift back to LC on the merry-go-round. He's looking a little green. LC: Do you hear music? Wait...wrong person's line, wrong episode. Do you hear trumpets? No? How about the screams of Memnoch's tortured souls? You don't? Do you hear anything??? Shift to the woman fully clothed. She reads the instructions for her Levi's shrink-to-fit jeans and steps into her sparkling clean ('cept for the hard water stains) tub full of hot water. LC Voiceover: You can't answer that, can you? Because you will never know the answer until I ask the question. And I'll never ask the question until you know the answer. And you know I'll never ask the question, and I know you know, and you know I know you know. We're a knowledgable family. Shift back to LC, now definitely green on the merry-go-round. LC: I understand the need to move on...it is something that happens to us all, just like receding gums and plasma intolerance. And your time has truly come. Boy! has it come! (he starts singing 'Going Mobile' by the Who) Shift to the woman, she tests her jeans to see how they are shrinking, then settles in reading a biography of Jack Kevorkian. LC Voiceover: I understand how to program a VCR. I also understand that with the beauty of this life comes pain and despair...for the life of me I can't figure out how to run the video clips downloaded from Sony's homepage. But consider what you have in your hands before you give it up, don't trade a treasure for an empty box. Take me for instance...I traded my sword pin for a box of 'Miracle Hair Grow,' and all I got were bushy eyebrows. Shift to the woman as she opens up her officially packaged Dr. Kevorkian Suicide Scalpel. Shift underwater to watch some really kewl Ribena effects. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He was brought across in 1228. I tried to return him in 1229, but lost the receipt. Now he wants to be traded in... To downgrade to a mortal model. To emerge from his world of depression, From his endless, Forever Angst. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and colored pencils to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act One) part 1 by Teigr Llew Focus on a man putting on playtex dishwashing gloves. He hums and whistles 'Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it's off to work I go,' as he drags the woman's ribena-dyed body out of the tub. Note--the jeans have shrunk to perfection. Tracy watches with ghoulish interest... apparently Nat did her job *too* well in 'Jane Doe.' The playtex man packages the body and begins scrubbing out the tub...he uses soft scrub, he uses comet, he uses... Tracy: Her name was Lora Haines. Apparently she had been despondent over the cancellation of her favorite TV show. A psychiatrist...I'm guessing no one saw this coming. Nick: (gazing into the other room at a despondent Nat) Not even one of her closest friends. I guess you never really know your friends, do you? Tracy: I wouldn't know. Hey, at least Nat got a really great pair of pre-shrunk jeans outta this. I hate having to sit in the tub while wearing... Nick: Trace, do me a favor and shut-up. I'm going to get Nat out of here. Tracy: 'Kay. Nick goes over to the despondent Nat, and attempts to pry her out of her chair. Nick: Nat. C'mon. Let's go. C'mon. You can do it! C'mon Nat! That's my girl! Finally Nick picks up Nat, chair and all, and leaves. Tracy: Fer sure. Shift to the Hallway Maze From Hell...complete with Cross Shadows. Nick stands over Nat, still in her chair, clutching the journal, and a baggie containing soggy jeans. Nat: (reading from journal) "Do as I do and not as I say...don't let your car become empty, because it's a real pain in the ass running out of gas." First time I've lost someone to suicide. Nick: Let's see...crazed gunman, depraved child-molester, maniac bomber...you're right, no suicides. Nat: First time I've ever had a suicide note addressed to me...a night of... Nick: Huhn? Nat: ...firsts. You know, I think that Dr. Lora Haines in there was right on the money when she pegged me as a kindred spirit. Nick: Nat! You know never to use the 'k' word here! Besides, she took her own life. She obviously had some pretty big problems... did you see the hard water stains on her tub? Nat finally stands up, the chair stuck to her posterior, and waddles around the corner to the autopsy room. Nat: Ya think? You know, Brick, I used to think that suicide was a sacrilege...but I'm now I'm not so sure anymore. Nick: Nat, don't talk like that! Nat: Okay, how about like this...Yooh noh, Breeek, ah yoosed too tink dat soohiside wahz a sacrrralij, but I ahm not sooo shurr ahnymoor. Nat opens the morgue door, which segues into a 'Last Act' FB... Nick enters the loft via the elevator door, which nearly crushes him on his way through. Nat waits by an open-blinded window and presses a button on the remote. The TV comes on. She pushes another button...the stereo starts blasting. After several more abortive attempts (whilst Nick disengages himself from the elevator), Nat succeeds in closing the blinds on one window. Nat: Playing it a little close, aren't you? Nick: Seconds to spare. (Nat looks pointedly at the smoke still rising from his body) Okay...maybe just a little close. Nick strolls across the room and almost through some sunbeams. Nat does a brilliant blindside tackle on him, knocking them both to the floor. Nat: Oy! My knee! So...we're feeling a little self-destructive? Nick: What do you mean 'we?' Nick skitters away from Nat, trying to hide behind one of the Gergoyles on the mantel, bashing his head on a Gergoyle in the process. Nat: Brick, will you talk to me? It's like you've been living in a shell! Nick: Gee, Nat...have you looked at the loft lately? It *is* a shell. Nat limps over and whaps Nick with a shillelagh conveniently leaning against the fireplace. Nick: Alright...alright! I lost an old friend the other day. Nat: What day? Nick: Uh, I think it was a Thursday. Nat: Other day takes a whole new meaning with you. I'm sorry. Nick: Them's the shakes. He starts to put the...thing...he's carrying on a pedestal in the sun. Nat snags from him and places it there herself. Nat: Ah...it's...it's...um... Nick: Earwax. Erica loved personal hygiene more than anyone I've ever known. Nat: Um...excuse me... Nat, slightly green, rushes into the kitchen and scrubs her hands with a brillo pad. Nat: So, how'd she bite it? Nick: Y'know, she had this theory. When you stop contributing to life, when you become a burden...it's time to move on. Nat: She was a Republican? Nick sticks his hand into the sun and starts smoking. Nat grabs the cigarette from his mouth and crushes it. Nat: Suicide is never the answer. Nick: Not even if it's phrased in the form of a question? End FB. Nick and Nat are now in the morgue. (note, the chair is still attached to Nat's posterior) Nick: Nat, maybe you shouldn't do the work on this case. Nat: I've done my brother, my Godchild, you...what's one friend I've lost touch with? Lora never reached out to me in life for help...better late than never. Nick: Uh... Nat: You know what I can't handle? How the heck am I supposed to wear those jeans? She's at least 3 sizes smaller than me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and toy rats to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act One) part 2 by Teigr Llew Shift to the station, where Captain Reese and Tracy are conversing. Reese: How's Natalie holding up? Tracy: Well, duh! You know, I think... Reese: I've warned you about that! Tracy: ...a suicide note addressed to her was kind of a mean thing to do. Really, a candygram would have been more appropriate. Nick's staying with her. Sooooo... Reese: ...a needle pulling thread? Tracy: Soooo...if Nick gets to ditch, so do I. Reese looks at his calendar. Tracy: Caaaptain, I feel something coming on. Reese: Okay, sure. Tell you what...go home, take a hot bath, and put your feet up. (a commotion is heard) What the hell? Shift to two cops trying to restrain a prisoner. Wardrobe note- the prisoner wears the exact same outfit that Schwarzenegger stole from the punk in The Terminator. Reese and Tracy come over to join the fun. Dorkins: I'm not goin' back. (repeat 20-30 times) Cop: Relax. (repeat 20-30 times) Reese: What is this man's problem, occifer...besides his obvious bad taste. Cop: Well, duh! Dorkins...we're holding him for pickup. Reese: Dorkins, I want you to play nice with these occifers. Dorkins: I'm not... Everyone: ...goin' back. I'm not goin' back. Reese: Occifer! What is this man doing handcuffed and shackled? Undo them at once or we'll never get this done in under an hour! Shift back to the morgue. Nick is trying to pry the chair from Nat's posterior. Nat clings to the organ scale for leverage. Something in the scale goes POING! just as the chair finally pops off, leaving the scale permanently out of whack. Nick: (regarding the chair he holds) Strange isn't it? How something so personal becomes just another piece of evidence. Nat: (rubbing her...er...) Easy for you to say! You know... Nick: No. Nat: ...when she and I would get together years ago, we'd talk for hours...about our careers. Professional gossip. Nick: What on earth can a coroner and a shrink gossip about? Nat: Absolutely nothing. We slowly came to realize that dissecting bodies has no relation to dissecting minds...so we started getting plastered and talking about sex. But there was nothing to tell! Nick:...Nothing??? Nat: Nothing...nada...do you have any idea how depressing that was? Nick: I wouldn't know. Nat: Her leaving me the note and the journal...she meant for me to learn from her mistakes. It's my wake up call, Brick. Time to get... Nick: Laid? Nat: ...a life. Nick: Um...you have one. Granted, it's a little strange. Okay, maybe a little pathetic even...but it's not empty. Nat: Not now...six years ago, April 14th. Nick: What's that? (Nat whaps him with the journal) Owww! Nat: My birthday? The day they brought you in? Nick: Wasn't that in June? I swear, you change it every year! Go into 'Only the Lonely' FB. Nat and a queasy orderly lower a blood-oozing body bag onto the table. Nat: Ooooo, a new plaything! Who's our mystery guest tonight? Orderly: They couldn't find any I.D. People who saw him before the explosion said... Nat: Explosion? Kewl! Orderly: He was trying to stop some kids setting off cherry bombs in dumpsters. Apparently he put one in his mouth to prove how dangerous they are. It...it's a real ickypoo thing...ha...at least there's not much of a face to look at. Nat: Why in Heaven's name are you in this job if you can't handle it? Orderly: It's temporary until my Uncle Vetter can get me into the Police Academy. (backs nervously out exit) Shift to Nat opening bag, exposing Nick's nicked face and miraculously undamaged clothes. Nat: This isn't so bad. (she caresses Nick's face) In fact we have a definite argument for necrophilia here. Shift to Nat on a Garfield phone. Nat: Duh! You jerks screwed up! Shift briefly to Nick's face, as little magic elves powder it with fairie dust...just a sprinkle. Nat: Well, I mean this guy looks like he just barely cut himself shaving...well, okay, maybe shaving with a katana, but still... Nick heals and sits up, vamped out, startling Nat. Nat: Gasp! Well, that's very different...nevermind. (hangs up phone) What? Who? Why? Where? Nick: You forgot 'how?' Nat: You were dead...a minute ago. Nick: That was then, this is now. Nat: Good book, terrible movie...not really pertinent to the present situation though. Nick: (rummaging through the morgue fridge) Don't you have any cow blood here? Nat: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Nick: You don't need to know. Nat: Obviously you've never had to deal with a blank line on an official city report.(Nat pulls out a looong form, in triplicate) Oh, and what are you? Nick: Something very different from you. (he scarfs down some blood) Nat: Well, duh! End FB and back to the morgue. Nat: My life changed that day...do you know how long it's been since I've been to the beach? I haven't seen my cat in years! Nick: Oh...erm...about Sidney. Um, I got the munchies while waiting for you one day. Nat: Then who's been eating all that cat food? Nick: Don't go there. Nat: I don't want to end up like Lora, Brick. Nick: I won't let you. Nat: Well then, it's simple...you just have to love me as much as I love you. Audible grinding sound as several vital functions in Nick's brain crash. Fade out on Nick's poleaxed expression. (End Act One) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and legos to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Two) part 1 by Teigr Llew Just for the heck of it, open on a skyline. Fade into LaCroix, still clinging to the merry-go-round. LC: Love...is like a peach. Sweet on the inside, but kinda furry on the outside, and it can be very sticky. Wait...I've already used this metaphor, haven't I? Have I used the gift analogy yet? Damn! Uh...love is like a giant purple dinosaur that sings insiduously clingy songs...it warps our senses, twists our souls ...can take us past hope, past cure, past help. Heaven makes means to kill our joy with love...but my, isn't this a little overkill? Shift back to the morgue, where Nat is waving her hand in front of a catatonic Nick's face. Finally, Nat resorts to desperate measures by pulling an agricultural magazine out of her desk and shoving the pull-out in Nick's face. Nick: Wow! Would you look at the udder on that heifer! ***WARNING! WARNING!--The reader/viewer is advised to take a large dose of Dramamine to get through this next scene! Heavy slide-by shooting to follow!*** Focus on Nick. Nick: I can't...you know I can't. Slide on by Nick and Focus on Nat. Nat: I've been wrong about a lot of things in my life... ghosts and vampires and reincarnation, doing unethical human experimentations with vampire blood on a retarded boy, that one night stand with Schanke... Slide on by Nat and Focus on Nick. Nick: What??? Slide on by Nick and Focus on Nat. Nat: Um, nevermind! To make a long story short...enough already! We can be together. Slide on by Nick...no! Nat...and focus on Nick. Nick: I can't damn you into... Who's on first? Oh, wait, Slide on by Nick and Focus on Nat. Nat: Yeah, yeah...into becoming what you are. Yawn! There is a way. And think of how much fun we could have doing it! Slide on by Nat and focus on Nick as his brain fries a few more circuits and then shift into a 'Dead of Night' FB. Nick is doing neck-noogies on Alyssa. Then shift as Nick comes bounding over to wake her up. Nick: (bouncing on the bed) Alyssa...time to get up! (he whaps her with a pillow) Alyssa, it's time to wake. (bounces some more) Aw, c'mon, Alyssa...there's nuthin' to do. I'm bored. Slowly the light dawns on Nick that Alyssa isn't playing a nifty game of sleeping beauty. Naturally, this is when LaCroix stops by. Wardrobe note-LaCroix has insiduously stolen Nick's Staypuff- Marshmallow-Man Collar, dying it black to match his own outfit. Nick: Uh...I didn't do it! LaCroix: (spraying a can of Lysol) Your love nest reeks of death ...not to mention outstanding bad taste. Nick: Uh...I didn't do it! LaCroix: Oh well, never mind. It's a subtle art...a bit like fingerpainting. Nick: Uh...I didn't...um...LaCroix, help me please. LaCroix: I cannot, Nicholas. How many times have I told you? Don't be a greedy gut! Oh, and remind me to have a talk with you regarding foreplay. Focus on Nick's angsty face as the FB ends, sequeing into Nick's angsty face back in the morgue. Nick: Natalie...it's just too much to ask. Wouldn't you rather just watch videos at my place tonight? Slide on by Nick and...aw heck, you know. Shift to the station. Reese goes to the water cooler...and it actually works! His joy turns to horror though, as the water keeps poring out. Soon the entire room is underwater and everybody is swimming around in a slow-motion blur. Dorkins takes advantage of the situation, delivering powerful slo-mo kick to his occifers (note-complete with those old bionic man sound effects). He manages to get a gun and the blonde-of-the-week just as someone opens the front door, letting all the water out. Reese: Everybody hold up! (pause as he takes a drink from his paper cup before crumpling it and tossing it into a wastebasket) Hold your fire! Dorkins: I'll kill her if you make me go back. I'll kill her. I'll kill her. (repeat 20-30 times as he backs out a doorway) Shift to the evidence locker, run by a nebbish librarian type... obviously another relation of Commisioner Vetter's, since there's no way this guy could have made it through the academy. He's also has the Vetter curiousity...upon hearing the hubbub, he comes out of his nice cubbyhole right into the path of Dorkins. Wimp: Don't shoot...please don't shoot. Dorkins shoves the wimp back towards the main part of the station, firing a shot after him and unfortunately missing. The wimp stumbles into the main part, falling to his knees as every gun in the room is levelled at him. Reese: Shhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet...we're huntin' wabbits. (he motions to two occifers) You two, with me. Tracy: (vewy vewy quietly) Aw...he never lets me play! Well, I'm huntin' wabbits too! (she sneaks off) Back into the Hallway Maze From Hell, as the scenes shift between Dorkins and his hostage and Reese and his cops running back and forth through it. Finally, Dorkins comes through a door just as another cop comes through another door. Dorkins throws the hostage at the cop. The cop throws her back to Dorkins. Dorkins throws her back to the cop before exiting out yet another door. Then he pokes his head back through. Dorkins: I'm not going back. (he exits again) Shift as Reese and friends run down more hallways, and actually find the cop and hostage. The cop is giving the hostage CPR, which the hostage seems to be returning. Reese: Stay with them...let's go! Occifer 1: Isn't that contradictory? Meanwhile, Dorkins has found one of those 'You Are Here' maps on a wall, he studies it carefully then wends his way to the electrical room. In it he finds a box marked "IN CASE OF CRISIS SITUATION--BREAK GLASS" which Dorkins does. Immediately the station lights dim into a dark red as claxons and alarms start roaring. Reese: What the hell? Check the power...he's gotta be in there somewhere. Occifer 1: Ya think? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and Wacky Packs to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Two) part 2 by Teigr Llew Shift back to the morgue. ***Warning, please check your dramamine dosage!*** Nick and Nat are still holding their discussion over the body of Nat's dead friend. Freud would love these people! Nick: Whether I bring you across or not...either way, you could end up with a *really* nasty hickey. Slide on by Nick and focus on Nat. Nat: I can wear a turtleneck...with you there's at least... Slide on by Nat and focus on Nick. Nat: ...hope. It's partly my decision, Brick, and I'm... Slide on by Nick and focus on Nat. Nat: ...not afraid to try. Slide on by Nat and into home plate...SAFE! Oh, and focus on Nick as his cellphone rings. Nick: Oh, thank God! (answers) Knight. Slide on by Nick and focus on Nat brandishing a scalpel. Slide back to Nick. Nick: I'm on my way. (pull back to focus on both) There's a situation at the precinct...a guy with a gun. Nat: Gee, you'd almost never expect to find a guy and a gun there. Nick: Nat...I...I... Nat: Yeah, yeah...we *WILL* talk later. Fade out on Natalie alone in the morgue, reading a Lorena Bobbitt biography. Shift to Nick in flying guppy-mode, singing 'Here I come to save the day...er...night!' Meanwhile, back at the farm, Dorkins has holed up in the locker room. Note, the psychodelic red lights are still blazing. Dorkins: I'm not going back. I'm not going back. (heck, just keep repeating this until the end of the scene) Shift to Tracy outside the locker room. Tracy: Eeew, the men's locker room. I don't wanna go in there. Eeeeeew, think of all the nasty, grody things that I've can only imagine in my wildest dreams that must be in there. Eh...hey! Kewl! Perking up suddenly with a lavascious grin, Tracy bounces through the locker room door. Dorkins: I'm not going back. etc. etc. (Tracy sneaks slooowly through the locker room, occasionally fingering nasty and grody things, as Dorkins wedges himself in a wastebasket) I'm not going back. I can't go back. Kill me now! Tracy: (cocking gun) Kewl! Shift to the main office. Reese is stalking around being big cheese and flinging orders at a superfluous detective. Reese: All right, man all the exits...heck, woman them too! Let's see if we can get a negotiator in here. And I want some pizza, lots of pizza, just in case this runs past my shift. Nick walks up, and the superfluous detective disappears with a loud 'POP' as Nick replaces him. Nick: Where is he? Reese: Detective Superfluous? I don't know, he was here just a second ago. Nick: No, the man with a gun. Reese: There are a lot of men with guns here, Knight, some women too. You're going to have to be more specific. Nick: The one who's not supposed to have a gun. Reese: I'm sorry, more specific than that. Nick: The one I was called in for. Reese: Oh...my guess is *he's* holed up in the locker room. I'm hoping he'll pass out from the dirty sock fumes soon. Nick: Who is he? Reese: Delbert Dorkins...he's a transfer we're booking through. Nick: (wincing) I know him. He suffers from HNBP Syndrome. (note- 'Horribly Named By Parents') Shift back to Dorkins and the locker room. He's pulled out a micro-recorder. Micro Recorder: I'm not going back. I'm not going back. (yada yada) Focus on Tracy, the slowest sneaker in the world. Shift to Nick strolling casually through the door. Nick: Dorkins? Dorkins?...It's okay. It's me, Detective Knight. Dorkins: This is supposed to reassure me? Shift from Nick with his hands up to Dorkins aiming his gun at Nick and Tracy still sneaking. Dorkins: (turning off recorder) Knight? You'd better tell 'em to get a big body bag, because that's the only way I'm going out of here. Nick: (putting down his arms) Dorkins, listen to me. You don't really want to die, do you? Wait, didn't I just have this conversation with someone? Dorkins: I'm telling you (puts gun to head)... Everyone: I'm not going back. Nick: (in 'whammy' mode) Dorkins...ba-bump ba-bump...listen to me...ba-bump ba-bump...Put the gun down on the floor...ba-bump ba-bump... Shift to Dorkins' deer-in-headlight expression, then back to Nick. Nick: Put your left foot in...ba-bump ba-bump...put your left foot out...ba-bump ba-bump...put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Dorkins: ...shake it all about... Tracy: I wanna play! Shift to Dorkins' view over Nick's shoulder as Tracy does the hokey pokey into his sight. It's at this point that the nice red light effects go away, washing the room in bright fluorescent. Dorkins catches sight of his fluorescent-washed image in a mirror and shrieks with horror. Dorkins: NOOOOOOOO! Dorkins fires at the mirror, hitting Nick instead. Tracy stares in shock, and Dorkins stares at Tracy, and Nick stares at Dorkins staring at Tracy, then turns to see *what* Dorkins is staring at. This gives Tracy a good view of Nick in vamped-out state, albeit fluorescent-washed, and she drops her gun. As Nick decides that maybe he should do something about Dorkins, Tracy's gun bounces around before firing twice, hitting Tracy in the stomach and back of the head. After flinging Dorkins against a wall, Nick turns in time to see Tracy slide slowly down the wall. She leaves a Ribena smear. Nick, unvamped, rushes to her side to cradle her. Nick: Tracy...Tracy...(yells toward door) In case you guys didn't get a klew from the gunshots, we need some help in here! Tracy: You...gulp...could...gargle...have...gasp...trusted me. She slumps on Nick's chest as he angsts and looks at his bloody hand. Tentatively, he takes a lick. Nick: Mmmmm...apricots. (end Act Two) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and shillelaghs to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Three) part 1 by Teigr Llew Back to LaCroix and his merry-go-round. He's now avocado colored. LC: Haven't you tired of this incessant guilt? You're worse than a Jewish mother. You insist on taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of those around you, when they alone are truly responsible. It is so foolish. It is so unnecessary. It is so...politically correct. (pause as LC swallows a few Dramamine) And it must stop! This and all else that has happened tonight *should* make that clear to you, shouldn't it? But *noooooooo*.... Shift back to the station locker room and a BRIGHT light. No, not *that* bright light. A paramedic's little flashlight, actually, which is quickly replaced by the paramedic's face... very close up. Count her pores, please. Paramedic: Left pupil's fixed and dialated, no response. Right pupil's sort of cross-eyed. BP's 80 over 60, or is that 60 over 80? I never could keep that straight... Random cop: (whispering to another cop) Actually, I've never seen Tracy look so alert. Paramedic: (glancing at watch) Aw, hell, my shift is almost up. Let's get her outta here! Everyone breaks into spontaneous cheers. Champaigne is brought out as Tracy, staring vacant eyed into space yet looking far more alert than usual, is swiftly wheeled out. The paramedic calls after the ambulance driver. Paramedic: Tell ER I'll be there soon! Tell George Clooney I'm single and have no problems with meaningless animal sex! Meanwhile, over in the corner are Reese, drinking champaigne, and Nick. Reese: You sure you're okay? Nick: Captain, I didn't know... Reese: Yeah, but are you okay? Nick: Really, I didn't know... Reese: What else is new? But are *you* okay? Nick: Honestly, I didn't know... Reese: (taking a much-needed slug of champaigne) Brick, she went wabbit huntin' without permission. You can't go telling yourself it was your own fault. Nick: Yes I can. Reese: No, you can't. Nick: Can to! Reese: Can't! Get that outta your head right now! The paramedic walks up as Nick starts sulking. Paramedic: She has a boo-boo in the belly and a nastybad boo-boo in the head. Nick: Great, so there's no lasting damage then! Paramedic: I just can't say for sure right now. Well, I can, but that would be a bummer. Gotta get to some nookie...um, I mean to ER. Shift to Tracy's hospital room. Naturally, it's done up completely in pink...pink curtains, pink drapes, pink bedclothes. Even the *nurse* is dressed in pink. Nick, not in pink, sits on the end of Tracy's bed as the nurse putters around doing nursely things. BTW, Tracy has *never* looked better...her hair is neater than it's ever been and she has the cutest lil' headband- bandage. Most importantly, she's not moving or speaking! Finally the nurse poofs into non-existence just as Reese show up. (I've heard she met the Superfluous Detective, they fell in love, and raised a nice family of disappearing kids). Reese: They've done everything humanly possible. Nick: How about inhumanly possible? Reese: Uh, yeah...the shooting review board wants to talk to you. I managed to put them off 'til morning, so wear sunblock. Dorkins didn't make it...you're gonna take some heat on this, Brick. Nick: Why? I didn't shoot him. Tracy didn't shoot him. He didn't shoot Tracy. Tracy shot Tracy...why doesn't *she* go to the review board? She still has a fighting chance... Reese: You still believe in Santa Claus, don't you? Nick: Of course! Why do you ask? Reese: Ah...nevermind. Oh, yeah, she does, yeah...but, look. If she doesn't pull through. I'm just saying that I know what it's like to lose a partner. Nick: You lost a partner? Reese: Well, they never let me have a *real* partner, so I had to make one up...but it was still tragic when I accidentally backed over him. Nick gets 'the look' and goes into a Black Buddah flashback. He and Tracy are driving in the caddie, when a plane goes BOOM in the night. Tracy: Ohmigawd! Nick: Call it in! Tracy: Totally! As Nick frolicks in the plane crash wreckage, you hear Reese's voiceover. Reese VO: Nothing on this earth can rip you apart like that. Well, except maybe for whatever was responsible for that head at the Raven last week. Or those Jack-the-Ripper type murders last year. Or... Nick paws through the wreckage and finds a truly hideous tie... with souvlaki and donut stains on it. Nick: Schanke. (then he passes out from the garlic fumes) Back to present. Reese: There is life after this...it's just Tracy for heaven's sake! I could get you a K-9 partner with more wits! Remember that. I'm here for you, man. (looks at watch) Gotta go! Nick: Wasn't that contradictory? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send comments, flames, and crackers: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Three) part 2 by Teigr Llew Having nothing but Tracy to talk to, Nick goes into another Black Buddah flashback instead. This time he's with Nat (who's been frolicking amongst body parts at the wreckage). Naturally, he's angsting. Nick: I could have gone instead. Nat: You know that's not true. Nick: So, it was in Alaska at a time of year that the sun never sets, I still could have gone. Nat: Brick, you can't blame yourself...you can't. Nick: Yes I can. Nat: No, you can't! Nick: Can too! Back to present. Nick is staring at Tracy agonizingly. Should he or shouldn't he? Nick: Well, I did skip lunch... Nick works himself up into vamp state. He ties on a bib. He sprinkles Tracy's neck with salt. Finally, humming the theme from 'Jaws' under his breath, he moves in... Nat: Brick? Nick turns, fully vamped out, to find that Nat has entered the room. Nick: Whoops! Um...it's not what it looks like! Nat: What is it then? Nick: Um...bad eyesight? I coulda sworn this was the blonde of the week. (Nat obviously isn't buying it) No, huh? Would you believe that... Nat: How do you know that's what she wants? And why is it so easy to consider bringing her across...and so impossible to consider bringing me? Besides, have you considered the ramifications of someone as perky as Tracy living *forever*??? Nick turns pale, even for a vampire, and runs from the room. Shift to the Raven, which is deserted even for a schoolnight. Nick enters and gazes around, particularly at LaCroix's latest "Make Your Face" Bust Kit, which is still drying. Unable to resist, Nick scribbles in bushy eyebrows and other 'artistic' licenses. Finally he goes looking for LaCroix in a side room. LaCroix is packing up a multitagged steam trunk. LC: Good evening, Nicholas. Nick: You're leaving. LC: Well, duh! It's time...for both of us. It's the circle of life, my son. We eat the mortals, the mortals eat the cows, you eat the cows...no, wait. You realize you've been skipping an entire link on the chain, don't you? Nick: LaCroix, I'm in trouble. LC: Of course you are, what else is new? Who's death are you blaming yourself for now? Nick: Tracy's...well, she's not dead yet. LC: That's a matter of opinion. Nick: But her chances aren't good. LC: Of course not, you're overdue for a guilt trip...don't you see? You've overstayed your welcome. The pain you are causing your mortal friends...by the way, are any of your mortal friends still alive? Nick: Nat. LC: That's all??? Hmmm, well, if she survives much longer, she's not going to allow your relationship to continue the way it has. She'll demand change. And you will be compromised. Nick: Wow...what do you do, spy on me? LC: Well, duh! In short, she wants your bod. Nick: Wow, really?! Even if I wanted to leave...she really wants my bod? Are you sure?? Well, in that case, I definitely can't go. Too many loose ends to tie up... LC: I've seen you leave looser...much much looser. Waaaaaaay looser. By the way, *did* you ever find a babysitter for Andre? Nick: Ooops. LC: Nicholas, the time has come. I will be at your loft tonight to make your decision for you. And then I'm leaving. With or without you. Nick: Promises, promises, promises... (end Act Three) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send comments, flames, and FK props: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Four) by Teigr Llew Again, open on a green LaCroix. He's now clinging like a drowning man to the merry-go-round, which seems to be turning back and forth of its own accord now. LC: For all the things that we are, for all the things that we do, this Bud's for you. Love can be savoured, but never tasted. Or was that the other way around? Whatever...in our lightest moments we may envy the Brady Bunch , but we should never aspire to it. Guilt...is a pain in the butt. And staying past our time...really irratates the host and hostess of a party. If we truly care for a mortal...truly love one...then we must bail before we get the munchies. Isn't that something *you* taught *me*? Pull back to see that LC has been talking to an angst-ridden (even for Nick) Nick. We also see that Nick is the one who's turning the merry-go-round. 'Be My Valentine' FB. Focus on Nick who's wearing a tunic with a cross in a big red cirle with a slash through it (read 'no crosses'). Nick: If you bring her over she becomes a nastybad person... cold-blooded, an ice-princess. Shift over Nick's shoulder to see LC clutching Fleur possessively. LC: Aw, but she followed me home! Can't I keep her? I will pet her and hug her and... Nick: If you love something, let it go. LC: Then hunt it down and kill it? Nick: You will not! Focus on LC cradling Fleur's face. He puts on lipstick then gently kisses her forehead, leaving a bright red kiss imprint. Then he pulls out a knife and raises it to slash her throat. Nick: NO! Wrong episode, wrong role! Back to the present and Nick and LC in the loft. LC: Leaving...is the purest form of love, Grasshopper. Nick: Don't you mean diamonds? Cut to the morgue. Nat is packing a box as she reads more of Lora's diary. Nat: "Everyone's pain hurts, and that's a problem. My problem is mine! mine! mine! You can't have it. I have solutions for all of the Wheel of Fortune puzzles, but none for Jeopardy. I have to stop and think, where are my car keys? What am I doing? Why am I doing whatever I'm doing in wet jeans? Going, going, gone." She puts the diary in the box and puts the cover on. The phone rings and she answers. Nat: Lambchop...er...Lambert. Cut to Nick driving around in his tuna boat. Police Scanner: Car 54, car 54...where are you? Nick turns off the work radio then turns on the fun radio. A voice that sounds just a wee too much like the radio-shrink from 'Dead Air' emerges. DJ: Our subject tonight is your love life... Nick: Who? Me? DJ: Yes, you. Are you happy? Lonely? Fulfilled? Empty? Caller: What happened to the Nightcrawler? DJ: I'm not sure...he whisked through here singing 'Going Mobile' by the Who... Focus on Nick as he sets the Caddy to 'auto cruise' and goes into a 'Black Buddah' flashback. Nat walks into the loft where Nick is playing chopsticks. Despite the fact that everything is either boxed or covered (vampiric superspeed comes in handy for packing), the are *two* flaming candelabras on the piano. Also seen is a multitagged steamer trunk virtually identical to LaCroix's...how cute, matching luggage. Need the prerequisite bottle of blood by Nick even be mentioned? Nat: So, you were just going to leave? Nick: Yup. Nat: I had to find out from the desk sergeant's assistant's clerk's secretary's manacurist. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Nick: Uh...no? Nat: There are people here who care about you...who love and depend on you. The slaughterhouse foreman, the tailor who mends all your bullet holes... Back to the present and Nick in the car. He checks the auto cruise and decides, what the hey, to have another flashback. Nick voiceover: You left without saying goodbye. 'Human Factor' flashback in Nick's loft. Janette has gone suburban...shopping at whatever the Canadian equivalent of Marshalls is. She also seems to have begun using the Canadian equivalent of Supercuts. Alas, since she is no longer a vampire, she has lost the instant makeup job that happens whenever a female is brought across. Nick, of course, is sulking. Janette: Of course! What idiot would brave telling you they're leaving. There's only so of your angst a person can take. (pause) Oh, Nicolas, it's all your fault. Naturally, Nick starts angsting. Janette: You just *had* to keep trying to downgrade to a mortal model. (she walks toward the window and strokes Erica's earwax lump from 'Last Act') A vampire's heart must be at least 20 degrees celsius. Immortality comes complete with a mini air- conditioning unit to make this so. Yet we must change its filters. It's in the instuction manual. Nick: But? Janette: But you. After 800 years of not changing your filters, you could no longer live without your humanity. And I got so distracted by your incessant angst that I forgot to change *my* filters. (she takes a closer look at the earwax) What *is* this? Nick: Earwax. With a sickly expression, Janette dashes for the brillo pad in the kitchen as the flashback ends. Once again, back to Nick driving. DJ: I want to hear from all you pathetic lonely hearts out there. I know there's a lot of you, so call in and increase my ratings. Nick: Oh, for the love of Pete! Cut to Nick's loft as he exits the elevator. Nat is there drinking champaigne and wearing a party hat. Tossing confetti at Nick, she blows a party horn. Nat: Ding dong, the Button's dead...sing it high, sing it low. Ding dong, the vapid wench is dead! (end Act Four) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All comments, flames, and scanners: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Five) part 1 by Teigr Llew Open up on Tracy's body being covered and left alone. Focus on three transporter beams as they materialize into Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk...the original gleesome threesome. Kirk: Captain's Log...We've...beamed into what appears to be... a...twentieth century medical facility... McCoy: Not another damned temporal-flux! Spock: Fascinating. They spot the Button's body. Kirk: (uncovering her face) Ah...my...conquest...for this week. McCoy: (using tricorder) She dead, Jim. Kirk: Then...where's...my conquest? Spock: (also using tricorder) Fascinating...this woman has no brain. That happened to me once. However, my reading indicate that she was born this way. Kirk: (sulking) But...where's...my conquest? McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a pimp! Kirk: (into communicator) Scotty...beam us up. Spock: Fascinating. They dematerialize and are gone. Shift to Nick and Nat back at the loft. Nick looks at his watch, frowns, and yawns before looking blankly about. Nat: Brick? Hello? Are you having another flashback? Nick: Huh? No...why? Nat: Well, you're just standing there. Aren't you going to react to my news about Tracy? Nick: I'm waiting for LaCroix's voiceover first. Nat: (whapping him with a rolled-up script) There are no more Lacroix monologues opening each scene...read your script! Nick: (cringing) Geez, you think they'd be a little more consistent about these things. How was I supposed to know it wasn't a running theme. Nat: (whapping him again with the script) You're the director, Brick! Nick: (snatching script from Nat and rifling through it) Um, wait, okay...here we are. Ahem...LaCroix thinks I'm a fool... Nat: He's not alone. Nick: Maybe he's right. Nat: Nooo arguments here. They move over to stand by Nick's barred windows. Why does he need bars with those heavy duty shutters? Why does he need bars at all? Nick: I'm a baaaad boy... Nat: That's not true. Well...not really. Okay...maybe just a little. I mean... Nick: Tracy...Conehead...Schanke... Nat grabs Nick by the shoulders giving him a little shake. Nat: Nick, whatever deaths you've caused...never forget that Tracy's was a *good* death. Nick: (facing back towards the window) How many other deaths over the centuries, because of what I am? Nat: (pulling out a calculator) Hmmm, let's just average you to a death a day. You were brought across in 1228...it's 1996... WOW! That's 280,320...! Um...but how many lives were you able to save because of what you are? Nick: Um...211. Nat: You keep count? And that's *all?* Nick: *You* were the one who said I shouldn't use my abilities. Nat: I also said don't drink blood... Nick: I'm outta here. Nat: Not without me, Bucko! Nick walks away and stands under the Gergoyle on the mantel. Nick: I'm leaving *because* of you. You don't want my love...it will smother you...you'll have no life. Nat: Yeah, like I have one now. Look, there is one cure that we haven't tried. (she waggles her eyebrows lavaciously at him) Nick: It...um...it's complicated. Nat pulls out the book, "Where Did I Come From?," and shoves it at Nick. Nick flips through the book and turns faintly pink... for a vampire. Nat: C'mon, Tab A into Slot B. I'm ready, willing, and able to take my chances. Nick: Well, I'm *not.* What if I take too much? Nat: Trust me, bud...at this point there's no such thing. Nick: I'm not willing to live a life of eternal pain. Nat: Oh? And you've been living a life of eternal joy? Yes, I constantly confuse you with Kathy Lee Gifford... She walks back to the window. Nat: Does LaCroix ever talk to you about faith? Nick: (joining her) Oh sure, every Sunday after mass. Nat: No, I mean faith in yourself...nevermind, stupid question. How about faith in an afterlife? Nick: I get to roast in a desert with maggots on my chest and a psuedo LaCroix discussing the philosophy of moral redemption. Nat: Okay, you believe in Hell. How about a greater being who loves you no matter who you are or what you do. Nick: LaCroix? Nat: No! No! I mean a greater being who loves *all* of us. Nick: That big purple dinosaur? Nat sinks her head into her hands, and Nick uses her distraction to have a 'For I Have Sinned' flashback. Nick of slicked-back hair is confronting Joan of Arc in a church. Apparently vampires slum by hanging out in such places. Joan is wearing a surcoat emblazoned with a fleur-de-lis...hmmm. Nick: Nice armour...C&R? Joan: Heretics-R-Us. Nick slowly begins to circle her. Nick: Did you get the discount for claiming God revealed his plans to you? Joan: Standard 10% Carpenter's discount. Nick: (pausing behind her right ear...strange, isn't that where the angel is supposed to be?) And so you'll die a martyr. Happy Happy Joy Joy! Joan: I'd rather be back in Do-Re-Mi with my family. Dad is a captain, and mom used to be our nursemaid. We'd all sing songs together as we frolicked in the hills. Nick: Sooo... Joan: A needle pulling thread. Nick: You *are* afraid of dying. Life isn't so everlasting now. I can give it to you...a life that never ends and a power beyond your imaginati... They are interrupted by a pink bunny in sunglasses and thongs (the shoes! *Not* the other thongs!). The Energizer Bunny beats his drum and twirls around a few times before exiting. Nick: Uh...why throw your life away for some pious old men who would lie to you? How could you do that? Joan: Politics is politics...I will live on in the hereafter. Nick: Suuure you will...and *I'm* going to live on cow's blood and fight for the forces of good. Joan: (getting an evil grin) *That* can be arranged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments, flames, and Joan's cross to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Act Five) part 2 by Teigr Llew End of flashback. Nick and Nat are now facing each other. Nat: (pulling out the calculator again and starts punching in figures) I won't accept that the sum of our existence can be measured in the few short years that we're alive here. Nick: *Few*...short years? Speak for yourself. Nat: (waving the calculator) See! According to my calculations, the sum of our existence is measured by Nielson Ratings! I have faith in a future! You do too, Brick. Nick: I do? Nat: (firmly) Yes, you *do*. Nick: Oh. Okay. Nat: And if faith is a mortal folly...you're the most mortal man I know. Folly's your middle name. Nick: Actually, my middle name is Nicolas. Nat: Then what's your first name? Nick: Please don't go there. Nick turns away, but Nat comes around to face him again. Nat: You can't deny what's in your heart. Nick: Can too! Nat: Can't! Nick: Can too! Nat: OH NO! (starts tapping on the calculator again) I forgot to factor in the PTB* Theorem! (*Note--on the odd chance there's someone out there who *doesn't* know...the PTB=The Powers That Be, i.e. the real bloodsuckers, those who live and die by a few black boxes hooked to the tv's of a minute number of the viewing public) Nick: What are you saying? Nat keeps punching on the calculator, her face growing pastier with each result. Nat: We have no future...not here as we are...but, maybe somewhere else. Nick: I'm afraid of what might happen. Nat: You should be. (she touches his face) We've got nothing to lose...I want your bod. Now! Nick: (pausing for a *whole* millesecond to consider) Okay! Nick looks down for a moment, and when he raises his head he's fully vamped. Nat looks up and gives a silent and victorious 'YES!' Nick gathers her hands into his. Nick: I won't leave you. Whatever happens, we'll be together. Nat: Forever. Nick: Or at least until syndication stops. They kiss, then Nick starts kissing his way up Nat's arm. Nick: Morticia! Nat: (gasping) Gomez! Quickly he reaches her neck and moves her hair out of the way. Nat whaps him. Nat: Hey! Haven't you heard of foreplay? Nick: (showing her his watch) We're running out of time here. Nat: Tough! Shave some time off of the windbag's monologues! I've been waiting six years for this! Nick: Read the script, Nat. Besides...there's always JADFE. Nat: Hmmmmmmm...true. Nick: Where was I? Ah...Ba-bump ba-bump... Nick noshes Nat's neck. She suddenly looks alarmed and waves her hands a bit. Nat: Of all days to wear white! Flashback collage...Nick kills a Hereford, Nick attacks LaCroix, Nick kills a Guernsey, Nick throws a bottle against the wall, Nick kills a Shorthorn, LaCroix attacks Nick, Nick kills a Charolais, Nick spits out a cork, Nick kills an Aberdeen-Angus, Nick attacks LaCroix again, Nick kills a Santa Gertrudis, Nick throws another bottle against the wall, Nick kills a Brahman, LaCroix attacks Nick again, Nick kills a Jersey, Nick spits a cork, Nick kills a Ayrshire, Nick and LaCroix attack each other, Nick kills a Holstein, Nick kills a Dutch Belted, a Kerry, a Red Sindhi, a Brown Swiss, a Longhorn, a Red Poll, Nat.... Nick: Whoops. Nick gently arranges her on the floor and kneels beside her... angsting, naturally. LaCroix, ever the voyeur, looms up behind him. LaCroix: Well...all that remains now is to turn off the lights and turn in your key. (he regards Nat's body) I'm afraid you've blown your security deposit, though. Nick: I couldn't stop myself. LaCroix: What else is new? Oh, Nicholas...you *have* thought this through, haven't you? (suddenly realizing who he's talking to) Nevermind...stupid question. Nick: I've taken too much. LaCroix: How many times have I told you? Don't be a greedy gut! Fade out on Nick as he stares at Nat, seemingly oblivious to her slight twitching. (End Act Five) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments, flames, and Dramamine to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" (Tag Scene) by Teigr Llew Just in case the viewer has forgotten where we left the last scene, open on an exterior view of Nick's building before cutting back briefly to Nat. Focus on Nick sitting to the side, with LaCroix standing over him. LaCroix: She's still a'twitchin.' Nick: LaCroix? Is Santa Clause real? Audible grinding sound as several vital functions in LaCroix's brain temporarily stop. For a bare second, LaCroix looks remarkably like the late Vachon. LaCroix: (blinking) That's a strange question at this moment in time. Nick: Captain Reese said something earlier this evening, and I need to know if you believe in him. LaCroix: I *pre-date* him, Nicholas! Nick: You pre-date everyone! It's true, isn't it? There is no Santa. But who's been putting coal in my stocking all these years? LaCroix: (clears throat uncomfortably) Well, it was so important to you. Nick is clearly distraught...even by Nickish standards. LaCroix: Grow up, Nicholas! You're nearly a 800 years old. Time heals all wounds. Nick: Fleur. LaCroix winces. Nick takes out a little notebook and marks down one point for his side...there's precious few, by the way. LaCroix: You cannot deny what you are. Nick: Can too! LaCroix: Cannot! Nick: Can too! (he kneels by Nat and pulls out a straw) I can't condemn her to this darkness. (he sucks her dry) Ah! Good to the last drop! LaCroix: That's m'boy! Nick kisses Nat, then rises and crosses to the fireplace. Hanging to the side is a large glass box, which reads "IN CASE OF SUICIDAL URGES, BREAK GLASS." Nick does and pulls out a *very big stake*. LaCroix: Nicholas, how many times have I told you? It's not the size of the stake, it's how you use it. Nick: She had faith in me... LaCroix: Yes, well...so did Alyssa. And Alexandra. And Sylvaine. And Lisette. And Amalia. And... Nick: IN WHAT'S BEYOND! (he crosses back to LaCroix) LaCroix: Careful with that, you could put out an eye. Nick: That this would be a beginning...not an end. LaCroix: The beginning of what? Decomposition? Nick sits back down, resolutely holding the stake before him. Nick: I have that faith too. LaCroix: Idiot! Life is a peach. No...life is *like* a peach. Sweet on the inside, but kinda furry on the outside, and it can be very sticky. Maybe life is a gift. Yeah! Life *is* a gift! But just in case, keep the receipt...otherwise it will be impossible to get a refund or store credit. I have never been able to understand the logic of willfully surrendering such a treasure. But then again, I've never been able to understand logic. Really, 'all tables have four legs, all sheep have four legs, therefore all sheep are tables' makes perfect sense to me. Nick: Maybe it should be 'all tables are sheep.' LaCroix: Don't interrupt my monologue. Nick: But I've already heard it. LaCroix: No you haven't. Nick: Yes I have. LaCroix: You're just experiencing deja vu. Nick: I am not! LaCroix: (trying to suppress his hurt) And so, in your eyes I'm boring and repetitive. Nick: No. Not boring and repet...er...not boring. LaCroix: The Devil then. Nick: No. Not the Devil, LaCroix. LaCroix: What then? Nick rises and faces LaCroix. Nick: You...are my closest friend. LaCroix: (eyeing Nat) Only because you've killed all your other friends. Nick: No, really...you are. LaCroix: Couldn't I be an annoying in-law? Your closest friends have the most awful luck. Nick: (shoving the stake into LaCroix's hands) C'mon, this is a Kodak moment! So stake me already! LaCroix: There's something you won't find in a Hallmark card. Nick kneels down beside Nat and clutches her limp hand, his back to LaCroix. LaCroix: Eenie meenie miney mo...Aw, to heck with this. He raises the stake and smoothly brings it down into Nick's back. Nick pops and flies around the room like a deflating balloon. LaCroix: Damn you, Nicholas! I got a splinter! LaCroix sucks on his finger as the deflated Nick-balloon wafts gently down on his head. The phone starts ringing, as LaCroix rips the balloon off. Answering Machine: Yeah, Brick Knight. I'm either in bed, in the bottle, or incommunicado, so if you wanna leave your name and number so that I can know who I'm ignoring...go ahead. Voice: This is TPTB...PICK UP NOW! LaCroix: (scrambling) Yessir! He listens and nods. LaCroix: Yessir?...You want it more ambiguous? He nudges the Nick balloon with his toe. LaCroix: Whoops. Um...her? Well... He pokes Nat with the stake. LaCroix: Er...I'm afraid that will be trouble. He listens some more, then grows pale...even for a vampire. LaCroix: No, not the hair! (pause) Yessir, I understand. He hangs up and regards the scene before him. He spends a few futile minutes trying to patch up the Nick balloon, but the air keeps leaking out. Finally he returns to the phone and dials. LaCroix: Aristotle? LaCroix...I need to move fast and far. (pause) An author? Arthurian vampires? Hmmmmm.... (End Tag Scene) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments, flames, and Aristotle's phone# to: TeigrLlew@aol.com "Last Knight--A Parody" Epilogue--The Scene Not Seen by Teigr Llew Open on Nick and Nat, walking hand in hand in the sand. Nick: I know that door's around her somewhere. Nat brushes off a maggot and pulls her hair back. Nat: I need a scrunchie. Nick pulls her close to him, squishing quite a few maggots in the process. Nick: You were right though...we are together. Nat: This *wasn't* how I pictured it. Nick starts angsting and Nat is immediately contrite. Nat: No, no. (she hugs him and more maggots die) It's not that this place is bad. Nick: It's hot. Nat: But it's a dry heat... Nick: We're covered in maggots. Nat: Barely notice 'em. Nick: There's no food or water. Nat: Well, it's not like we can *die* from starvation now. Nick: So you have no regrets? Nat: None. An even more gooey clinch occurs (maggot goo, that is). The embrace is interupted by a voice...Nick and Nat flinch. Guide: *There* you are! Nat: (whispering) Well...maybe one. Approaching over a sand dune is LaCroix of Arabia. Guide: You two *must* stop running away. (pause) Now where were we? Ah, yes. Death is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get... finis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments, flames, and Tiggers to: TeigrLlew@aol.com