There is a LOT of blue language in here, so back up *now* if that offends you. Me and Denis Leary a Forever Knight essay by Sue O'Reilly (soreilly@hotmail.com) We all want to be vampires, right? Wow, that was loud. I knew it. You knew it, too. All of us crazy Forever Knight people know it, all of us weird fucks who still love a TV show that was cancelled years ago and never made it anywhere close to the top ten. Naturally we're still obsessed because we have better taste and more intelligence than the rest of the population--they're too busy watching Friends and Ally McBeal to notice what good television is. But the bottom line is, we want to be vampires. You know my own personal number-one reason for wanting to be a vampire? I bet you don't. If you guessed already from the title, then you are one classy motherfucker and I'd like to do some shots of Black Velvet with ya. Send me your address and we'll get together sometime. If the Air Force ever lets me out of Texas. (Hey, there's another plus! I couldn't exactly serve my enlistment contract if I were prone to bursting into flame during the day.) Anyway, my best reason. It's not the lifespan, although that would be pretty damn cool. I'd love to find out whether the first alien race that visits Earth looks like Vulcans or those Starship Trooper bugs, and I *really* want to see if God would ever be enough of a sick bastard to let a hockey team from Florida win the Stanley Cup. I'm also curious about genetics and personal relationships. Will my ex-boyfriend's great-great-great-great-grandsons inherit his penchants for whining and sucking money out of their girlfriends? Will the girlfriends be stupid enough to let them do it? It isn't the powers, either. Sure, I'd LOVE to be able to fly. I'd give my right arm for it, since vampires rise magically into the air and I wouldn't need it for flapping. The strength? Man, I have visions of showing up at the gym with those asshole Army guys and bench-pressing a Humvee. And that whammie deal? I have two words for you: Brad Pitt. Who cares about that theory that vampires don't have sex, I'd be happy watching him clean my house in a thong. Don't go thinking I'm some kind of psychotic freak who would get off on the killing thing, either. Yes, I'm in the military, but I have two more words for you: G.I. Bill. (Actually that's two letters and one word but it's my essay, so it's my show, goddammit.) I have some morals, I wouldn't enjoy having mortals for lunch. Or maybe I would, who the hell knows? This is like talking about sex before you have it: there is no base of experience to work from. I don't have the slightest fucking clue what it's like to suck someone's blood. But I'm sure I could find a few deserving victims. Aryan Nation members, right-wing conservative radio guys, country music stars. You get the point. Okay, are you ready? My absolute best reason for becoming a vampire? I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING. Never! Ever! Never, ever! No more fretting about how many years I've been puffing, no more visions of how much tar is sitting in my lungs! Never again would I think, "I have to quit soon. I have to live a long and fruitful life. I have to stop poisoning myself." No! It wouldn't fucking matter! Remember that scene in the Raven when Nick walks up to Janette at the beginning of the first season? She snaps a light to her smoke and says, "Nasty habit. But at least it can't kill me." Maybe I don't have the exact phrasing, but I have the MEANING, for Christ's sake. I could have a Camel Light stuck in my mouth every second of every day. Wait! Fuck that! I would smoke UNFILTERED Camels! No--I would buy the filtered kind and rip them off with my teeth and smoke them three at a time. I would smoke and laugh diabolically and do a happy-dance until R.J. Reynolds hired me as their spokesperson. Every time I got a lecture from a non-smoker, I would pat them on the head and say, "Hey asshole, why don't you tell someone who has to *worry* about lung cancer?" I would find those health nuts who run six miles before dawn, and I'd be two steps ahead of them imitating a chimney. "Shit, dude, you look tired. Want a butt?" Wow. Let me say it again. WOW. Fuck, I want to be immortal. Bite me now. Nick, LaCroix, Janette, Vachon, Urs...hell, even Screed. Bite me NOW! Gimme those fangs, matey. I could handle dining on rats for eternity if unlimited tobacco was my reward. Oh God, I need another cigarette. Just thinking about it. I'm starting to drool. Piss off, Surgeon General. Smoking drastically increases risks to my health? Give me the nearest willing vampire and I'll tell you what you can do with your warning. Wouldn't it be great? END ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com