Well, now that the title has you wondering... disclaimers, as always, need to go to the TPTB since I don't own Lacroix or the Nightcrawler show or anything else in the FK universe. And Mel can gladly archive this if she wants to on the fkfanfic site and I'll get this to the ftp as soon as I get organised. All comments to DPangel79@aol.com. Watch out though... Misery Eats Company (01/01) by (Cousin) Shana Nolan *********************** "And I bet you that if we got that frumpy Nightcrawler live on *my* show we could show him what we think of his cynicism." The caller laughed cheerily. "Betty Ann, you sure are right! I can't wait to hear you burst his little dark bubble. What is it with him anyways?" Betty Ann Dartmose leaned back in her chair and smiled. "We'll find out, won't we, caller? Stay tuned and I'll let you know when. This is Betty Ann Dartmose of 88.7 F.M. KTALK signing off. Have a perky day!" * * * Staring unhappily at the stacks of paperwork piled up on her desk, Detective Tracy Vetter humphed and looked for an escape route. Nick had taken off for the M.E. office to get the follow-up on a recent case of theirs. Or at least that was what he said he was doing. Tracy actually suspected that he was dodging the stacks that were daring to fall to topple onto the floor. *Hell of a day for the computers to crash,* Tracy muttered. A traffic cop walked by her desk with a fresh cup of coffee. Smelling it appreciatively, she hopped out of her chair and made a beeline for the coffee pot. When she heard something that made her jaw drop. "'.... frumpy Nightcrawler.... show him what we think of *his* cynicism.'" "Are you okay, Detective Vetter?" Tracy stared at the desk sergeant. "Uh, yeah, sure. Was that radio thing live?!" "Oh that thing? I know, isn't it a kicker? I hear the Nightcrawler's a depressing guy. It should be interesting." "Was it live?" "Nope, my wife taped it. Real fan of Betty Ann." "Sure. Whatever." Tracy repressed the urge to throw up. Dartmose was a little too keen on cheeriness for her mentality. Too cheery for her sanity, actually. Taking her filled coffee cup back to her desk, Tracy pulled a post-it note out of the top drawer, jotted down "Misery eats company, CERK" and put it with her badge. She wouldn't miss this for anything. * * * Having choked down another one of Nat's protein shakes, Nick Knight fought the urge to pull the caddy over and throw up. It seemed like every time she made a new one for him, they got worse and worse tasting. Tuning the radio to CERK, biting his lip to prevent the miserable inevitable, Nick tried to focus on Lacroix's voice. "'And tonight, children of the night, we have a special guest with us. Miss Dartmose issued a challenge on her *daytime* program, citing my evening monolouges as dark and depressing. Far be it from me...'" Nick could hear the sarcasm dripping in his voice. "'to not confront such accusations. So I... convinced her to come to my show rather than me traversing the daylight for her station.'" "'That's so true, uh, Mr., uh, Nightcrawler. It was my pleasure to come here. Shall we get started? My show starts at 6 a.m. and I'm an absolute horrible mess without my beauty sleep.'" Lucien Lacroix stifled a comment. Betty Ann continued, oblivious of the sadistic stare aimed at her neck. "'And I've prepared a list of fourteen life affirming suggestions. I'd like to see you try to shoot them down, Mister party pooper.'" Nick swerved into traffic, nearly running over a Geo Metro in the process. When finally back in his own lane, he turned up the volume. At the same time, Tracy Vetter laughed and checked the stereo to make sure the tape was recording properly. Lacroix cleared his throat, leaned into the microphone and quietly snarled, "'Any time you're ready, ma chere.'" The perky DJ pulled a neatly typed list from a briefcase. "'Are you ready?'" "'If you think I can keep up.'" Betty Ann laughed. "'Alright... number fourteen: turn barriers into obstacles, turn obstacles into speed bumps, and only discover they existed after you overcome them.'" "'Turn holy men into hors d'oeuvres, turn hunters into dinner and only worry about their existence until after you've eaten them.'" Betty Ann fell silent. Lacroix smiled. Tracy raised an eyebrow. Nick considered warning his fellow officers about an impending murder. "'Number thirteen: never give up your dreams! Never stop working toward your dreams! Never accept less than what you are capable of acheiving.'" "'Never give up your prey. Never leave a body where it can be found. Never accept less than what you can manipulate to your needs.'" "'Number twelve:... '" she hesitated, fearing the comeback, "'Never lose your confidence! Reinforce your confidence by thinking positive, acting positive, and living positive.'" "'Never lose your power. Reinforce your power by thinking omnipotent, acting omnipotent and living omnipotent.'" "'Number eleven: Choose positive relationships that reinforce your goals.'" "'Choose simple relationships that reinforce your ability to manipulate.'" "'Number ten: Expect respect from others; always show respect to others; don't mislabel respect as submission or agreement, or as an excuse for confrontation.'" Nick could hear Lacroix laughing. "'Expect respect from others; show respect only if they deserve it. Don't mislabel respect as friendship or love, or an excuse for public angsting.'" Nick huffed. Betty Ann blinked in confusion. (Not that anybody could see that over the radio.) "'Um, number nine: you don't need to point out the faults in others in order to feel better about yourself.'" "'Pointing out faults in others is an acceptable mode of cynicism.'" "'Eight: Everyone has something special or unique; that also means you. Get to know yourself and be willing to learn and grow from others.'" "'Not everyone has something special or unique. Get to know yourself but pay more attention to your master.'" Tracy laughed; she wondered if Vachon was listening to the program. "'Seven: be willing to admit mistakes, then move foreward.'" "'Be willing to eat mistakes, then move on.'" "'Er, six: Use your studies as a means to deal with loneliness, homesickness, lack of confidence, low self-esteem and not fitting in. Through books, create a world of comfort and acceptance.'" Lacroix stifled a retch. "'Use your studies to deal with perkiness, angsting, lack of practicality, low self-esteem and trying too hard to fit in. Through books, create a world of power and wisdom.'" "'Five: learning is not always easy, but with study it will come. Patience is the key.'" "'Learning is not always easy, but with eternity it will come. My blood is the key.'" Tracy quirked an eyebrow. "'Fo... four: never doubt that you will get an education. Say to yourself, "I have the absolute resolve that I will get an education at any cost."'" "'At any cost, Betty Ann? Really... so have you killed for it?'" There was stuttering coming through the radio. "'Betty Ann... number three?'" "'Oh, uh, three: the best way to succeed is to choose not to fail.'" "'The best way to survive is to choose not to speak your mind.'" "'Two: tell yourself, "I have worth; I am an intelligent person; I am a good human; I am a good person."'" "'Tell yourself, "I have worth, I am an intelligent person, I am a good tasting human, I would go well with Chianti."'" "'And finally a perky-doo number one: Wake up! Think positive! Clean up! Think positive! Speak up! Think positive! Say to yourself, "Today, I am going to do everything I can to make this day better than yesterday."'" "'Wait until night. Be realistic. Avoid the sun. Be realistic. Drink plentifully. Be realistic. Clean up after youself. Say to yourself, "Today I come a day closer to death.'" Tracy whooped and applauded. Nick waited for the sound of Betty Ann being eaten live on the air. Lacroix stared at Betty Ann with a smug snarl. Betty Ann suddenly felt like a deer in the headlights of a 16 ton big rig barreling down the road at eighty miles an hour at 3 a.m. in the morning. Upon finally finding the her voice, Betty Ann squeaked, "Well, thank you Mr. Nightcrawler... this has been... uh, fun. But I think I made my point and I got my positive message out to your listeners.'" The normal, sadistic tone of Lucien Lacroix melted into cruel sarcasm worthy of Denis Leary. "'Positive message, *Betty Ann?* Do you think people who tune the radio to a show called "Nightwatch" really want to hear the delusions you spew on them? Do you really think, that at 2 o'clock in the morning, they really want to hear some rot about healthy self-esteem and happiness?! Do you think they like to absorb your sugar sweet analogies of happiness and positive well-being when they'd rather be hiding out at a bar, but can't since the bar just closed, they can't?! "'What in hell inspires you to be so chipper and perky? Do you enjoy creating a bad image for people who try to be minimally pleasant? Do you like creating a stereotype for those individuals who choose to wear masks rather than burdening the world with their problems?! Do you know what perky implies? Do you think perky is a positive self-image to create for yourself? Do really know what you're doing to yourself? "'Perky people are deluded. They think that just because their puppy dies by getting ravaged by a wild bear means they get a new puppy. They like walking into rest homes and hospitals, just so they can sing a cute, trite song to a bunch of dying patients. Like a song about a farmer will make dying any eaiser. Oh, please. You make *me* want to consider vegetarianism. "'Succeed?! Think positive?! Do you like setting people up for a fall? Do you like sending people crying to psychiatrists just because they can't seem to have a perfect life? Do you enjoy watching the level of anti-depressants consumed in the world increase? As if the chemicals can cure your sworn enemy: reality?! Thanks to people like you, there has been an increasing amount of suicides, homicides and horrible TV talk shows. People die because they can't get what you try to shove on them. "'In the 1960s, the number of "happy" songs increased signifigantly. It wasn't because someone had found the bliss you claim to have, it was because the world discovered drugs. Only when they were high could they sing "Hail the sunshine" without throwing up. Cocaine and marijuana and hash and PCP and LSD and heroine. Swallow those jagged little pills and get back to me, Betty Ann. In order to honestly believe that life was worth living, people took chemicals that made them think that pink elephants ruled the world while little crickets in suit coats fixed them their dinner of chocolate, coffee and more drugs. "'Are you happy *now,* Betty Ann?!'" After his tyrannical rant, the radio fell silent. But a few moments later, once the mike's volume had been turned back up, Nick could hear sobbing. Which, ironically enough, had dropped Tracy Vetter to the floor, laughing so hard that her side ached and she could hardly see through her watering eyes. When finally gaining a teeny bit of composure back, she vowed to put the cassette currently still recording permanently next to her copies of Denis Leary's routines and "The Ref." Nick, having reached his flat, parked the caddy in the garage and turned off the radio. Refusing to admit to himself that he enjoyed his master's nocturnal rant, he hoped that he would never have to hear anything like that again... However, unfortunately for him, his partner had a sound card built into her computer; and she was already creating .wav files for her Win95 program at work. **************** fin, "Misery Eats Company" Comments and Denis Leary tapes to DPangel79@aol.com. I don't know about you, but I feel better. Hugs and mocha, Cousin Shana... the Dark Perk Angel, DPangel79@aol.com