Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 13:21:21 -0800 From: Nancy Young Noctambulist Part 1 by Nancy Young nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu Disclaimers: This literary endeavor is in honor of Susan's Birthday. The Forever Knight characters don't belong to me, I'm just giving them a little quality time with the folks who love them, after which TPTB can lock them back up in that nasty old legal vault and keep them all to themselves. The rest of the stuff is mine (and Susan's too, I guess, since it's a birthday gift . . . any lawyers out there want to help clarify this?). Howz this: if you wanna do something with it, please contact either me or Susan and get our blessings. Big thanks to my Super-Beta Readers Karen Tobin (big wave and additional thanks for allowing me to see the-actor-whose-name-can't-be- mentioned-he re-lest-legal-folks-get-their-knickers-in-a-twist in "The Boys from Syracuse." He wore briefs in that particular production), and Lisa Patnaude (who ended up contributing a funny, funny, funny, funny line to this missive). A big pink thank you to Wicked Cousin Tippi for allowing me to borrow the concept of the "Evil Pink Garment" and for making a guest appearance in a portion of the story. Special thanks to Colin Viebrock, Artistic Director of Serious Cow Productions for allowing me to thrust his company into the strange world of FK fiction (I think I "whammied" him with my six hour explanation of how I found his Website and why I wanted to use it in this story. He gave the OK without even reading a draft. What a swell guy.) Trivia note for you Perkulators--Colin went to University of Toronto with Lisa Ryder and they worked on several student productions together. Bombard him with e-mail and maybe he'll cast her in something . . . Thanks, hugs and kisses to Dr. Chris Richards, long time good friend and most excellent ER physician AND Dr. Becka Richards, Radiologist extraordina ire for allowing me to credit them as the fictional inventors of a fictional medical device. Trust me ladies, if you're ever unlucky enough to be rushed to ER, you want to wake up to those big blue eyes and that blond buzz cut (think of a young, surfer-dude version of Uncle . . .) But (to quote StarFrost, most excellent president of a certain actor's official fan club) "don't quit your day boy friend." Chris is married to the lovely, sweet, gracious and very understanding Dr. Becka Richards. Thanks to the FK-fiction list writers who helped create War 5 and War 7, see if you can spot the references. I don't believe this story necessarily needs an ADULT warning, however, there are some heavy-handed innuendoes and one or two strong words. You've been warned, OK? Finally, here's the story. Happy Birthday Susan. NOCTAMBULIST Toronto's Late Night News for Late Night Folks Monday, August 12, 1996 Volume 1 Issue 1 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR From the Editor Welcome to the first edition of Noctambulist, a newspaper for those working the late shift, those with nocturnal body clocks, or those who are simply little creatures of the night. It is our intent to provide you with news, entertainment and advertisements that compliment and enhance the experience of living, laughing and loving after dark. As this is our first issue, there are no letters to the editor to print, however, we are always interested in the opinion of our readers. Feel free to send your comments to our office via the traditional postal system or our E-mail address. You must include your name and phone number or e-mail address. Phone numbers and e-mail addresses are for verification purposes only and will not be published. Names will be withheld upon request, but those making said request will be asked to state their reasons in a five paragraph essay of 500-700 words. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling count. Writers using the non-words "alot" and "ahold" will be subject to extreme disciplinary measures involving duct tape and a "Barney the Dinosaur" video. Buffy St. Claire Editor-in-Chief LATE BREAKING NEWS Local Boutique Recalls Evil Pink Clothing Dangerous Liaisons, a popular Toronto clothing store known for its eclectic clientele and late-night-only hours has issued a recall for its exclusive line of "Evil Pink" clothing. ""A1Evil Pink' is a colour blended exclusively for Dangerous Liaisons by DuCharme Industries," explained a representative of the boutique. "Apparently there was a problem in the processing of a single batch of the dye, but to be safe, we're recalling all garments purchased in the last six months." Dangerous Liaisons is disappointed by the recall as a portion of the proceeds from the "Evil Pink" line are donated to charity, but representatives are confident that the problem will not recur and the line will continue to be a top seller. Janette DuCharme, CEO of DuCharme Industries assures the public that the dye is completely organic but the distilling process is very precise and the slightest deviation causes a change in the dye. The afflicted dye causes a chemical reaction when it comes in contact with skin. The reaction causes unusual but not dangerous behavior in people, including the overwhelming urge to rock and roll all night, party every day and in some cases, extreme, amorous feelings. Chemists at the University of Toronto are studying the remainder of the dye to determine if it might be a possible treatment for medical problems such as depression, impotence and chronic shyness. If you have purchased a piece of "Evil Pink" clothing within the past six months, return it to Dangerous Liaisons for a refund, store credit, or a replacement garment (unless of course you're enjoying your new-found friends*). *this line was supplied by Super-Beta Reader Lisa Patnaude. 96th Precinct's First Annual Charity BBQ Raises Big Bucks for Local Charities The night shift of Toronto's 96th precinct held their first annual midnight BBQ and read-a-thon to benefit Covenant House and Casey House Foundation. Captain Joe Reese manned the grill, cooking steaks, chops, dawgs, burgers and even veggie burgers to order. The BBQ sauce was provided by Detective Nick Knight. Although Detective Knight has severe food allergies, he says his dad is a real gourmet who finds it relaxing to go into the kitchen and whip up a batch of "House Special-Blend" sauce for friends and family to enjoy. Anyone interested in purchasing a bottle of "House Special-Blend" for 243.00 should leave a message for Knight at the station. Proceeds from the sale of the sauce will be divided between Covenant House and Casey House. Other culinary delights included Detective Tracy Vetter's cold "Tuna and Tater Tot" salad, Coroner Dr. Natalie Lambert's "Death by Chocolate" cake, and a variety of noshes and nibbles donated by the Happy Souvlaki Deli. LaCroix Spring Water Company donated bottled water and the "Passion Punch" (nonalcoholic) was supplied by the Raven, a popular local night club. The read-a-thon featured officers and local celebrities reading aloud from their favorite books. Detective Knight read several chapters from Bram Stocker's Dracula, Captain Reese entertained the audience with John B. Keane's Letters of a Matchmaker, while Detective Vetter offered selections from Maria, My True Story, by Maria von Trapp. Local CERK radio personality Lucien LaCroix aka "the Nightcrawler" graciously agreed to broadcast his "Nightwatch with the Nightcrawler" show live from the event. The Nightcrawler participated in the read-a-thon during his show, quoting selections from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary and at one point, reading Dr. Seuss's Fox in Socks at the request of a tourist who made a generous on-the-spot donation. The total amount raised is still being calculated, but organisers are pleased with the generosity of the community and hope to make this an annual event. If you're interested in volunteering for next year's event, please contact Captain Reese at the 96th Precinct. Toronto Civil Servant Survives "Evil Pink" Experience Last week's charity softball game between the Heroic Vampire Cops and Spooky Radio Personalities was suspended when the Cops' starting pitcher, Detective Nick Knight, was incapacitated by his athletic supporter. The team's athletic supporters had been donated by the Dangerous Liaisons Boutique, and are part of their "Evil Pink" Athletic Wear Line. As noted in a related story in this issue, the dye in some "Evil Pink" clothing causes odd behavior. According to eye witness Wicked Cousin Tippi, Knight was "dancing and dipping wildly" and eventually ended up dancing "like two disco kings on Saturday night" with opposing pitcher the Nightcrawler. Paramedics were able to restrain Knight and cut away the garment with only a slight loss of modesty. The Noctambulist is happy to report Detective Knight is recovering under the care of his personal physician, and the afflicted athletic supporter was disposed of by the local HAZMAT team. Tourist Recovering After Being Heimliched by Always Prepared Nightcrawler A potentially life-threatening situation was averted during the 96th Precinct's first annual midnight BBQ and read-a-thon. Nancy Young, a tourist visiting from Ashland, Oregon had persuaded Lucien LaCroix aka the Nightcrawler to read Dr. Seuss's Fox in Socks by presenting the organisers with a blank check. During the hilarious recitation, Nancy laughed so hard she accidentally aspirated a big chunk of veggie burger. The chunk-o-burger become lodged in her throat and she immediately began using the internation al hand signal for choking. The Nightcrawler flew to her assistance and quickly applied the inward and upward thrusts in correct Heimlich Maneuver fashion. To be certain she was receiving enough oxygen, he also applied mouth-to-mouth breathing until paramedics were able to confirm she did indeed have good air exchange. As Nancy was loaded into the ambulance, she reportedly said "Oh my God, what a totally religious experience . . ." The Nightcrawler resumed his reading after commenting that being prepared, the Heimlich Maneuver and artificial respiration were just three of the things he learned from the Boy Scouts. If you're interested in learning the Heimlich maneuver, contact your local Red Cross chapter for CPR and first aid classes. HEALTH Ask Dr. Know-it-All Our medical expert is here to answer your questions about physical, mental, and emotional health. As this is our first issue, the Doctor will address a question recently posed by an acquaintance. Dear Dr. Know-it-all, My boyfriend has major food allergies and follows a restricted diet. While he's very sweet about taking me to fancy restaurants and allowing me to chow down to my heart's content, he can't seem to understand my obsession with good chocolate, especially when consumed as foreplay. Because of his allergies, he's never even tasted the stuff. Can you suggest how I might share the titillating, sensuous delight of consuming a pound of home-made Bailey's (tm) Irish Cream fudge or a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie (tm) ice cream? Sincerely, Perky, Blonde, and Frustrated. Dear PB and F, Coincidentally, my significant other also has food allergies and can't appreciate the pleasure of chocolate. A couple of suggestions spring to mind. First, plant a big, wet one right on your honey's lips after each bite of chocolate. A little tonsil hockey will do wonders for his appreciation of chocolate consumption as foreplay. Just be certain you've swallowed all the solid stuff. Second, consider using him as a living dish--good chocolate is all natural and it shouldn't hurt if a little gets into those hard to reach places. In fact, your efforts to get every little bit from said places should be greatly appreciated. Good luck. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all Fencing Offers Physical and Mental Conditioning Toronto Parks and Rec offers fencing classes for all skill levels and age groups. Group lessons are available five days a week, and arrangements may be made for private lessons. Volunteer Maestro Nick Knight, a detective with the 96th Precinct, says the sport of fencing develops "your physical and mental muscles--not hing like being brick hard in all aspects of your health." Knight credits fencing with keeping him alert on the job. "You learn to anticipate your opponent's movements, and react with a counter movement when fencing, much in the same way a police officer must anticipate a criminal's action and move to prevent that action," he explains. "Besides," he adds, "what other sport allows you the opportunity to swash until you buckle?" For more information, contact the Toronto Parks and Rec department. San Diego Docs Invents Life-saving Medical Device Dr. Chris Richards, Chief ER Resident, and Dr. Becka Richards, Radiologist at the UC San Diego Medical Center have developed the Plexiglass Belly Window, a medical device which is anticipated to be instrumental in preventing severe medical trauma due to an unusual vision problem. "As an ER physician, I see a number of accident victims, and surprisingly, some of the worst are pedestrians who apparently weren't watching where they were going," said Dr. Chris Richards. Dr. Becka Richards examined a number of patient x-rays and was able to isolate a single common medical problem. "Sure, it's an unusual vision problem, and seems to be especially prevalent among television powers-that-be who were employed to decide which thoughtful, well-written vampire cop dramas should be canceled and which insipid, bad haircut-inspiring sitcoms should remain," said Dr. Becka Richards, "but once I made the connection, the solution was simple." The invention of the Plexiglass Belly Window will allow this segment of the population to lead as close to a normal life as is possible. Sure, they're never going to blend into the crowd--it's hard to miss people who happen to be walking around with their heads stuck up their butts--but thanks to the Plexiglass Belly Window, they'll have fewer accidents. Support Group Meetings FAFOPWFASN: Friends and Family of persons with food and sun allergies. Support meetings every Tuesday night, 5 minutes after sundown in the CERK conference room. Bring your own refreshments. Call 555-POOF for more information. Noctambulist Part 2 by Nancy Young nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu ENTERTAINMENT NEWS Theatre Scene by Javier Vachon "Noctambulist" welcomes local theatre zealot Javier Vachon with his appraisal of Toronto's own "Serious Cow Productions." A note to readers who wonder why an apparently unemployed Toronto grunger is working as an entertainment writer--I just want to assure you that I was one of dozens of writers who submitted a resume and went through a stringent interview process. The editor questioned every aspect of my background, asking about my very first memory, whether I prefer boxers of briefs, and if my contacts needed rewetting . In the end, I told her what I'm telling you: I'm doing this job because I can! . Without further ado, my opinion of Serious Cow Productions.--JV I've always appreciated the Toronto theatre scene, especially the small companies who take the risks to produce cutting edge material. SCP is a local theatre group whose goal is to create visually-interesting, physical theatre based on cerebrally-challenging, original works. I first came across this group after attending a 1995 performance of The Raven, starring Sharon Scott and Kristiana Painting . My companion for the evening claimed she was literally flying after the show--couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. And hey, I have to say I was completely blown away by the experience. Practically had to run around and pick up various body parts for reattachment . . . Serious Cow Productions is participating in this year's SummerWorks Festival, which is described by Artistic Director Colin Viebrock as a "fringe-type festival." SCP will present Judith: A Parting from the Body by Howard Barker and Press'd by Denis McGrath. For more info on SCP, check out their Website at: http://www.inforamp.net/~cmv/scp or call (416) 516-2061 (mailbox #3). Bata Shoe Museum Offers Family Entertainment Don't miss visiting the only shoe museum in North America, with a permanent collection of over 10,000 shoes, dating back four and a half thousand years. Your kids will be amazed to learn that athletes wore high heels for fencing, riding and walking long before the sneaker was invented. For hours and admission cost call (416) 979-7799 or visit their Website at http://www.hype.com/attractions/bata.htm. CLASSIFIED Employment Opportunities Public Relations Specialist: must be enthusiastic, outgoing, enjoy extensive public contact and be unquestioningly obedient. Acting experience (particularly the ability to imitate bovines) and susceptibility to hypnotism helpful. Position requires occasional, personal appearances in mascot costume. Apply in person at CERK Radio. Wanted: Original scripts for Serious Cow Productions, an alternative, Toronto-based theatre company. Prefer cerebrally-challenging works. Submissions to: Colin Viebrock, Artistic Director. E-mail: cmv@shmooze.net or snail mail: 3 Vermont Ave., #5, Toronto, Ontario, CANADA M6G 1X6. Lost and Found Lost: brown leather account book, somewhere in the greater Toronto area. If found, call N. Knight at 555-1228. Lost: purple sequined thong and leather jacket, in vicinity of CN tower. REWARD. Leave message at 555-UNCL. Personal Messages In Memory of Don: We miss you daddy, husband, partner. Love Jenny, Myra and Nick. Perky Cousin Will: Uncle says to come home--all is forgiven. Really. . Services After Dark Exterminators: Rat removal our specialty. Will [only] work nights. Call 555-SCRD. KISS Impersonators: Will sing live or lip sync to the song of your choice. Reasonable rates include refreshments and reading material. Predawn bookings slightly extra. Call 555-YUMM. Ravenette Personal Shopping Services: Life too full to shop? Let RPSS max your MasterCard for you while you advance your career or relax in the comfort of your own home. We'll by shop, deliver and even exchange if needed. $500 dollar minimum purchase. Call 555-CHRG. Singles--To respond call 555-Love and enter the box number. Single Professional Male--a real night owl interested in art, music, bovine breeding and brickwork; I'm a crusader for mortality, truth, justice and the Canadian way. Box 1228. Single Professional Female--Likes: kitties, cuddling, cadavers and chocolate. Dislikes: men without a klew. Box 1990. Single Male--Picker, grinner, lover, sinner. Digs doin' it in churches while playin' guitar. Box 69. Single Filthy Rich Male--with a voice to die for. Box 666. Single Professional Female--Like to play games? Ever played good cop/bad cop? I've got the handcuffs. Box 007.