Date: Tue, 08 Oct 1996 21:17:02 -0800 From: Nancy Young Subject: NOCTAMBULIST II Pretty Copy This issue is dedicated to Erica Burger--back home, back at work, back on the list! Keep feelin' better and better! Warning: Rate PG-13 for innuendoes, a few bad words and extreme silliness. The Forever Knight characters don't belong to us, we're just giving them a little quality time with the folks who love them. Special thanks to Wicked Cousin Tippi for allowing us to abuse, um, use the concept of "Evil Pink," Bonnie Pardoe for the character of V-Man (told ya his part would be rated PG!), Cousin Annie for the character/concept of Nunkies, and Corrina Brunt for the concept of the bottomless bag full of a certain vampire's unmentionables! The following real persons have graciously agreed to be abusement *amusement* for our pleasure: Colin Viebrock, artistic director for Serious Cow Productions for agreeing to "place" a help wanted ad (this one's for real folks, he's always looking for new stuff!), the well-known-FK-actor-with-a-bitchin'-buzz-cut-and-gorgeous-gams and the "Give a Day to the Knight" campaign (a real-life event), Doctors Chris and Becka Richards (they're every bit as adorable as they sound!), and finally Frederic Ferland aka Mr. Happy, the most trusting and optimistic fan on the list! Go Happy! Thanks to all the FK Fiction writers of War V and VII. You may see a couple of references . . . Thanks to Super Beta Readers Karen Tobin and Heather Thornburg. We are planning a special Halloween issue. If you would like to assist in creating general silliness, please email Nanc at nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu. Finally, we always love feedback and comments! Send those virtual rewards to any or all of the following intrepid reporters and creators of general silliness: Nancy Young, nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu Rebecca M'Kenna, rebeccamckenna@juno.com Lisa Patnaude, LadysAVamp@aol.com, KnightKeep@aol.com Beth, LadySerez@aol.com Cousin Jules, KnightGal@aol.com Bobbie Williams, UserKnight@aol.com Sandee Buskey, HLB32@aol.com NOCTAMBULIST II Toronto's Late Night News for Late Night Folks October, 1996 Volume 1, Issue 2 *LETTERS TO THE EDITOR* Editor: On behalf of the Toronto Police Department, thank you for publicising the recall of "Evil Pink" clothing. While there are still items which have not been returned, the public awareness has made it possible for dispatch to inform our officers when they are en route to an "Evil Pink" incident and this enables them to take necessary precautions. Joe Reese, Captain 96th Precinct H2O@cooler.org Editor: Thank you for the story about the 96th Precinct's First Annual Midnight BBQ and Read-a-Thon! Between the sales of food, Special Blend BBQ Sauce and Read-a-Thon pledges, we surpassed our initial goal by 200%! The public is still sending cheques, thanks to your publicity, and we're already planning for next year's event! It's nice to know there are so many *good* people out there who are willing to help out others! T. Vetter, 1997 BBQ and Read-a-Thon Coordinator goodcop@perk.org Editor: I wish to express my gratitude for the entertainment and news supplied by your fine publication. I'm a member of the RCMP, currently stationed at the Canadian Embassy in Chicago, Illinois, USA. While I have come to appreciate and understand the variety of urban edification offered in my temporary domicile, from time to time I find myself feeling culturally displaced. As a Canadian publication, NOCTAMBULIST has assisted in easing that feeling of displacement for myself and my fellow officers. My superior officer obtained a copy of your missive on her last trip to Toronto and routed it among the staff. We have passed the Stetson and will be purchasing a subscription in the near future. On behalf of myself and my fellow constables, thank you kindly for your efforts. Constable B. Fraser, RCMP Chicago, IL USA mountie@hunk.org Nice to know we have fans among the RCMP, Constable. At this time, there is no cost to subscribe to NOCTAMBULIST. Please donate the collected funds to your favourite charity on our behalf. Next time you're in town, stop by for a personal tour of our facilities. Our staff is always eager to entertain law enforcement officers. Remember--don't read and ride. --Ed Letters to the editor are always welcome and are published on a space available basis. Feel free to send your comments to our email address. You must include your name and e-mail address. Writers using the non-words "alot" and "ahold" will be subject to extreme disciplinary measures involving duct tape and a "Barney the Dinosaur" video. Names and e-mail addresses will be withheld upon request, but those making said request will be asked to state their reasons in a five paragraph essay of 500-700 words. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling count. Buffy St. Claire Editor-in-Chief nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu *LATE BREAKING NEWS* JERRY TATE SHOW RENEWED FOR FOURTH SEASON After being canceled for a short time, The Jerry Show has been renewed for a fourth season. TPTB Network has picked up the show with plans for change. Jerry Tate will continue in his leading role as host. One alteration is to remake the show's image through a format change. Formerly known for scantily clad women and sensationalist, Enquirer-like claims, the show will now feature topics that are more discussion oriented. "We're going to talk about real issues," states Jerry. The image change comes after the murder of one guest and the shooting of Jerry himself by his production assistant. Says Jerry of the incident, "I didn't realise unrequited love could provoke such malicious behaviour." The Jerry Show began it's new format with a look at successful, local women. Police Detective Tracy Vetter spoke about being a woman in a dangerous, predominantly male line of work. "Sure it's hard to be a woman in this field, but I'm a good cop," insisted Tracy. Dr. Natalie Lambert, graveyard shift coroner for the Province of Ontario in Toronto, and local businesswoman, Janette DuCharme, were also guests. The second major change includes expansion of distribution in the United States. The show has a large following in the States and is gaining popularity world-wide, according to the Official Jerry Show Fan Club. Fans commonly set up tape trees to copy episodes broadcast only in Canada. Currently, Mr. Happy, the show's number one and most optimistic fan, is heading a campaign for the release of these past episodes for private sale, making tape trees unnecessary. "The fans really have been a big part of this," states TPTB Network President, Ima Gawd. Future show topics will include: Rare Skin Diseases; Neglecting Your Pets; Dysfunctional Families--How to Make Everyone Feel Like They Belong; Men Who Use Women and the Women Who Let Them; and Fathers Who Control Their Sons. If you have something to say on one of these topics and would like to be a guest of The Jerry Show, call 555-4JER or email bigego@tptb.org to set up a preliminary interview. The Jerry Show airs locally at 3 pm with a repeat broadcast at 3 am. TPTB Network is dedicated to providing access to quality entertainment at any hour. EVIL PINK INCIDENTS CONTINUE A riot broke out at the Raven nightclub last Wednesday and spilled into the street about 2 am. It took the entire 96th Precinct, as well as reinforcements from the RCMP, to quell it. Several people, including Detective Tracy Vetter and NOCTAMBULIST theatre critic, J.D. Vachon, were taken to the hospital with injuries incurred during the riot. A Toronto PD spokesperson confirmed the riot was caused by Ms. Urs, one of the Raven's most popular dancers. Ms. Urs physically assaulted Lucien LaCroix, the owner of the club . At the time, Urs was wearing a jumpsuit from the Dangerous Liaisons Boutique "Evil Pink" line of clothing. Apparently Mr. LaCroix informed Ms. Urs that her brother had been making time with a certain Toronto PD detective. Already under the influence of the "Evil Pink," a reportedly intoxicated Ms. Urs then proceeded to whap Mr. LaCroix with his favourite eagle statue. At that point, several other inebriated patrons joined the brawl. Nearly 100 people were taken to jail with charges of assault and battery. Toronto General Hospital representatives report all injured parties are recovering nicely. When NOCTAMBULIST reporter LadySerez checked in with fellow writer J.D. Vachon, he threw the T.V. at her. She escaped injury but commented, "good thing he blinked just as he threw it; I guess he's crabby about spending all that time alone in bed." Detective Tracy Vetter is up and about, assisting the Candy Stripers and Pink Ladies with distribution of magazines, coffee and chewing gum. Detective Vetter's partner, Nicholas Knight, is also recovering nicely from the crippling effects of "Evil Pink", suffered last week at a charity softball game. As reported in our last issue, "Evil Pink" clothing is currently under manufacturer's recall because of a problem with dye. The manufacturer and the Toronto Police Department continue to urge the public to return the afflicted clothing to the point of purchase or the nearest hazardous materials drop site. "We really want to avoid incapacitating any more police officers, or we'll end up short-staffed," said Police Commissioner Vetter. When LadySerez contacted Mr. LaCroix for his comments regarding the incident, his not-so-polite reply was, "Caveat Urs!" Mr. LaCroix is offering a $5 million reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of whoever stole his eagle statue during the brawl. Ms. Urs has posted bail and is now missing. Also missing is Janette DuCharme, owner of DuCharme Industries. Ms. Urs and Ms. DuCharme were last seen driving west in Detective Knight's gruesome-green convertible. The family of one of the victims involved in last week's fight has filed a lawsuit against Ms. DuCharme and Mr. LaCroix. Before disappearing, Ms. DuCharme released this statement to the press: "Anyone who is stupid enough to go into that bar from hell deserves what they get." Mr. LaCroix assures us that the lawsuit against him has been dropped. ROGUE GOLDFISH MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS AT LOCAL AQUARIUM Officials at the Toronto Aquarium report someone has introduced a goldfish into their fresh water tank. Aquarium Official Percival Neptune stresses there is no physical danger for either aquarium visitors or the aquatic inhabitants. The fish has unusual markings on his tail which appear to spell out "Spike." "Several of our staff divers have attempted to capture Spike but have been unsuccessful. Each diver who's attempted to capture him has firmly and politely refused to undertake subsequent attempts. They all emerge in a semi-hypnotic trance repeating the phrase, 'You must contact Nunkies.'" Neptune assures us the divers recover from the hypnotic effects within a few hours. Aquatic and hypnosis specialists are working together to capture Spike. In the meantime, the Aquarium is enjoying record breaking attendance. "We really do like Spike, but he's upsetting the ecosystem of the freshwater tank, and we'd like to return him to his own home as soon as possible," said Neptune. Anyone with information on Spike or his owner should contact the Toronto Aquarium at 555-FISH or email glub@h2o.org. SUPERHEROES AT YOUR SERVICE The Toronto Chapter of Super Heroes Local 1228 has joined forces with the Toronto Police Department, Interpol and the local chapter of the "Evil Pink" Panthers to fight for truth, justice and the Canadian way. The first meeting was held last week and included the election of officers and the drafting of the union's charter. Elected to the following positions were: Toga Man, Chairperson for Life or Until He gets Bored Knight Guy, Vice-chairperson and Official Banger of the Gavel at Meetings The Perkulator, Recording Secretary and Giver of Positive Feedback Rat Dude, Sergeant-at-Arms and Pest Controller V-Man, Entertainment Coordinator and Spandex Tights Model Super Doc, Medical Advisor and Animal Lover The Big Souvlaki, Refreshment Procurer Cooler Joe, Aquatic Specialist Minutes from the meeting may be obtained at the Toronto Super Hero Website at http://biteandfly/whammy.html, or you may email a request to whammy@hero.org. GIVE A DAY TO THE KNIGHT November 16, 1996, has hereby been designated as the official date of a special campaign entitled, "Give a Day to the Knight". This special event will allow FK fans to show their support for Casey House, the Toronto AIDS hospice which has been designated by a-certain-well-known-FK-actor-with-a-bitchin'-buzz-cut-and-gourgeous-gams as his charity of choice. On November 16, volunteers will be donating at least eight (8) or more hours of their time to their local AIDS hospice. If there is no AIDS hospice or similar organisation in your area, we invite you to show your support for the volunteers and Casey House by making a financial contribution. The well-known-FK-actor-with-a-bitchin'-buzz-cut-and-gorgeous-gams will be donating some very special items to be awarded to the person making the largest financial contribution and the person making the largest time contribution. Volunteers will have until November 30, 1996, to accumulate volunteer hours. For more information on "Give a Day to the Knight", check out the Website at http://home.earthlink.net/~alasher/day.html or email Cousin Jules at KnightGal@aol.com. *HEALTH NEWS* ASK DR. KNOW-IT-ALL Our medical expert is here to answer your questions about physical, mental, and emotional health. Dear Dr. Know-it-All, I'm having a little problem with hallucinations. I'll be driving down the road in my cool, classic Cadi convertible (gruesome green, all leather interior, maximum trunk space) when suddenly spooky music will begin to play, and I'll seem to be in another place and time. I've been everywhere from France to India to Oz. Oz was the scariest. I was wearing a little blue dress and little red shoes, and a mean vampire was chasing me . . . It happened again! I'm typing and suddenly I'm in my car (which I've just hand- detailed and Scotch-guarded (tm)) and a giant woman is smashing a giant hammer down on the top and screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!" Help me! Sincerely, Nice Knight Guy Dear NKG, You didn't mention if you have a significant other, but these hallucinations seem to point towards problems in a romantic relationship. I suggest you try spending a little more time hand-detailing your romantic partner and a little less time worrying about the damn car. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all. Dear Dr. Know-it-All, I just wanted to let you know the advice about sharing the chocolate experience with my majorly food-allergic boyfriend worked! At first I was afraid I would gain a ton of weight from licking up all that chocolate syrup, but our relationship is more active than ever, so I burn off all the calories! Thanks again for the advice! Sincerely, Perky, Blond and Satisfied Dear PB and S, Glad to hear I could help. Try whipped cream for a change of pace. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all. DOCS DEIGN TO DESIGN UPDATED PBW Dr. Chris Richards, Chief ER Resident, and Dr. Becka Richards, Radiologist, both of the UC San Diego Medical Center, have decided against a new design of the Plexiglas Belly Window which would have replaced the Plexiglas ingredient with polyurethane. "It was a tough decision," said Dr. Chris Richards, "because polyurethane is more durable as well as being more flexible, and the comfort level would be much higher." "Ultimately, the decision was made in the best interest of treating the emotional as well as the physical problems of the patients," explained Dr. Becka Richards. The Doctors Richards reminded the press corps that the users of the PBW are wearing the devices because of a self-inflicted condition. While a Plexiglass Belly Window wearer can resume normal activities, too much comfort might discourage them from working on the mental process necessary for a cure. "Mental attitude is 99% of the cure; the window is merely a physical assist, much like someone with a broken leg wears a cast and uses crutches until the bones are healed," noted Dr. Chris Richards. "Once they pull their heads out of their butts, they won't need the windows to see." The Doctors Richards are currently working with a new group of patients comprised of television network executives responsible for canceling "Due South," a popular television show filmed here in Toronto. *ENTERTAINMENT NEWS* IMO MOVIE REVIEWS by Rebecca M'Kenna Rating Scale: A-Completely satisfies cerebral hunger B-Satisfying bite of entertainment C-Palatable, if a bit bland D-Positively anemic F-Sucks La Meilleure Revanche, C'est la Revanche (The Best Revenge is Revenge) (A) This foreign film details the struggle of Raven, a beautiful nobleman's daughter. After being forced into poverty and eventually prostitution, she fights back to earn the respect stolen from her, exacting revenge on the thief. A powerful production and talented cast bring originality to an old theme in which, "...the victim...finds the strength to become the bird of prey." About Last Night (D) A guilt-ridden cop alienates his family and closest friends, then commits suicide. In reality, the cop is experiencing guilt-induced delusions while being nursed back to sanity by those same family members and friends. Although the surprise ending relieves the horror, the tale remains an emotionally disturbing tragedy. Excellent acting and directing are the only redeeming qualities here. Sidney (B) Will Sidney get fed? Will Sidney be able to comfort his owner who's been stood up by her boyfriend--again? Will Sidney escape Perry, the neighbour's dog? Will Sidney chase away the intruder with the enticing voice? This story of a cat and his "pet human" is a great family movie with just the right amount of suspense for the kids. You'll fall in love with Sidney in this delightful comedy of life from a cat's point of view. Next Month's Halloween Bonus Reviews: Interview with the Vampire's Mortal Friend The Raven: City of Vampires Buffy, the Vampire's Slave ESSAY CONTEST BEGINS TONIGHT By Nom d'Plume Cousin Jules (TX), Publicity Agent for CERK Radio, announced tonight that CERK is launching its first ever essay contest. The unbridled popularity of its "Nightwatch with the Nightcrawler" show has spawned an enormous fan network, and the Nightcrawler has deigned to heed their pleas for a chance to tell him how they feel. The topic for the essay contest is, "Why I listen to the Nightcrawler." Each entry will be limited to no more than 500 words and will be judged by the Nightcrawler. Cousin Jules states the grand prize for the contest winner is a New Year's Eve celebration to remember, with none other than the man himself. Besides hosting the city's most popular nighttime talk radio programme, the Nightcrawler recently distinguished himself when he rescued a choking victim who was attending the Toronto PD's 96th Precinct's First Annual Charity Barbecue and Read-a-Thon. Cousin Jules has asked us to please note that all contestants *must* be 18 years of age or older, enjoy being controlled completely and utterly, and have a sense of humour. The winner will be announced in our next issue. SERIOUS COW PRODUCTIONS TRIUMPHS AT FESTIVAL Colin Viebrock, Artistic Director for Serious Cow Productions, reports the company had a rousing success with both its entries to the SummerWorks Play Festival, a "fringe-type festival" held here in Toronto. SCP presented "Judith: A Parting from the Body" by Howard Barker and "Press'd" by Denis McGrath. For more info on SCP, check out their Website at: http://www.inforamp.net/~cmv/scp or call (416) 516-2061 (mailbox #3). *CLASSIFIED* EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES Cow herders: willing to spend an inordinate amount of time caring for and talking to animals. Lavish attention, including back scratching, udder caressing, hand feeding, and sexual acts, required to instill a feeling of wellness and love. These cows are a rare breed maintained for special stock and must expire following a life experience of joy and pleasure. Herders must have a working knowledge of how to collect the animals' life-giving treasure at the moment of death and transfer it immediately for storage. This is very crucial as only at this exact moment will the elixir be at its most potent. Our company is a family business and handles only the most exclusive clientele. Preferred Applicants: Nepotism is strongly practised and encouraged. Please bring any and all family members. Cousins are most welcome. Contact: Cherry Bridging-Knight, Bovine Ltd. (555)SUCKDRY, that is (555)782-5379 or email moogirl@bovine.org. Writers wanted: Original scripts for Serious Cow Productions, an alternative, Toronto-based theatre company. Prefer cerebrally-challenging works. Submissions to: Colin Viebrock, Artistic Director. E-mail: cmv@shmooze.net or snail mail: 3 Vermont Ave., #5, Toronto, Ontario, CANADA M6G 1X6. Medical Assistant: for local hematologist's office. Must be able to cross-match and type blood from a variety of sources. Duties include keeping accurate profiles of victims . . .er, donors. Evening hours only. Experience with bovine serum a plus! Discretion is 90% of the job. Not for the faint of heart. Creativity in transferring acquired red cells is desirable. Contact: N. B. Knight, M.D., Box 1228, Toronto, Ontario 4EVR KNT. Volunteer Citizens Patrol: Help control crime in your neighborhood. Join the "Evil Pink" Panthers. Training, cell phones and really cool uniform shirts provided. Call 555-PINK or email EvilPink@hero.org. FOR SALE Refrigerator/freezer: nearly new. White and chrome finish, side-by-side style, individually climate-controlled produce and dairy compartments, in-door ice and water dispensers. Includes food sorted and stored alphabetically. Call Vachon at 552-DUDE or e-mail cooldude@hunk.org. LOST AND FOUND FOUND: Purple thong and leather jacket. I was wearing them when I regained consciousness. Reward for information leading to who-done-it! Call 555-WCKD or email wickedcoz@mayhem.org. FOUND: Seemingly bottomless black leather bag, slightly smaller than a bread box and containing several hundred pair of black, silk boxer shorts. Contact Buffy St. Claire, care of this publication. LOST: My favourite son's brain. Hasn't been the same since he met that *oh so biteable coroner*. If you have information on its location, contact 555-CERK or email Rosebud@cerk.org and leave a message for the General. Blonder is better. AVE IMPERATOR! LOST: 6 units of blood, AB negative. If found, please refrigerate and call Vachon at 552-DUDE or e-mail cooldude@hunk.org. PERSONAL MESSAGES Spikey Wikey--come home! Me *misses* my widdle fishy fwiend! Nunkies. SERVICES CERK Mobile Party Machine! Let CERK bring the entertainment to your next festive event! We supply the sound system, music, DJ and refreshments! Night engagements only. Call 555-CERK for more information and a free cost estimate. Acupressure/Acupuncture. Treatment in the comfort of your own home or my eclectically furnished office. Guaranteed relief from back and shoulder tension. Necks my specialty. Contact JD Valdez at 555-DUDE or email cooldude@hunk.org. Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap. Contact Enforcer@crime.org SINGLES Blonde brick seeks lady with whom to play footsie (no sex, please). Must be immune to hypnosis, like the Crusades era, and have a cat. Coroners especially welcome. No crosses, please. If you want to warm up this brick, call 555-BRIK or email brick@mort.org. Tired of trying to snuggle up to clewless bricks? Want to be pampered, spoiled and appreciated 'til you scream for joy? Call Nunkies at 555-ROSE or email smooth@talker.org. Lookin' for love in all the wrong places? It's more fun that way! Call bad boy JD at 555-DUDE or email cooldude@hunk.org. Single, filthy-rich, buzz-cut male seeks playmate for mischief and mayhem. Explore the *frictional* possibilities. Chains required, whips optional. When I'm good, I'm very, very good, and when I'm bad, I'm even better. Email message to rosebud@cerk.org. Single Female--professional, natural blond, amazing ability to alphabetize. Let's review our ABCs together. 555-PERK or email goodcop@perk.org. Chick with brick collection looking for a handyman to break down some walls. Will settle for a mechanic (no Teds apply). Call 555-CRNR or email superdoc@hero.org.