Date: 96-10-30 14:52:10 EST Poster: Nancy Young Subject: NOCTAMBULIST III Halloween Issue 1/2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - NOCTAMBULIST 1/2 Warning: Rate PG-13 for innuendoes, a few bad words and extreme silliness. The Forever Knight characters don't belong to us, we're just giving them a little quality time with the folks who love them. The following real persons have graciously agreed to be abusement *amusement* for our pleasure: The artist currently known as Quinn, the well- known-FK-actor-with-a-bitchin'-buzz-cut-and- gorgeous-gams and the "Give a Day to the Knight" campaign (a real-life event), Starr (no last names please!), Cousin Cherri (moo!), Cousin Jules, and Nancy Young, who disavows any knowledge of anything. =20 Thanks to Wicked Cousin Tippi for the image of "Evil Pink." May it never die! Thanks to all the FK Fiction writers of War V and VII. You may see a couple of references . . . All the typos and coherency errors are the sole responsibility of the editor. She suffered a mild concussion last Friday and was unable to post this issue to her beta readers. Blame the boo-boos on Buffy, and she'll blame 'em on trying to proofread while concussed! Finally, we always love feedback and comments! Send those virtual rewards to any or all of the following intrepid reporters and creators of general silliness: Nancy Young, nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu Rebecca M'Kenna, rebeccamckenna@juno.com Lisa Patnaude, LadysAVamp@aol.com, KnightKeep@aol.com Cousin Jules, KnightGal@aol.com Bobbie Williams, UserKnight@aol.com Sandee Buskey, HLB32@aol.com Heather, penni@wave.net NOCTAMBULIST III Special Halloween Issue Toronto's Late Night News for Late Night Folks October 31, 1996 Volume 1, Issue 3 *LETTERS TO THE EDITOR* Editor: On behalf of the Nightcrawler and the staff of CERK, we'd like to thank NOCTAMBULIST for your assistance with our "Why I Listen to the Nightcrawler" Essay Contest. We had an overwhelming response from the public and the decision wasn't easy, but we did manage to pick a winner. The lucky winner will spend an unforgettable New Year's Eve with none other than the Nightcrawler himself, and NOCTAMBULIST will have exclusive coverage of the event. Cousin Jules CERK Publicity Agent cozjules@cerk.org Note to our readers: the winning essay appears in the entertainment section of this issue of NOCTAMBULIST.--Ed. Editor: A friend in Canadian law-enforcement passed along an issue of NOCTAMBULIST to me, which I shared with my fellow officers at the 27th precinct here in Chicago. We were especially interested in the "Evil Pink" problems which have lately plagued the Toronto area; we've had isolated instances of this same type of strange behavior--my own sister was a victim of the "Evil Pink" influence--and were able to trace the origin of the "Evil Pink" clothing to a local clothing outlet chain. =20 Additionally, we enjoy the movie reviews and other entertainment news in NOCTAMBULIST. Just thought ya might like ta know ya have fans here in the Windy City! Keep up the good work. Detective R. Vecchio 27th Precinct, City of Chicago PD rivguy@hunk.org Thank you kindly, Detective Vecchio. We're always glad to assist peace officers in the performance of their duties or their pursuit of leisure entertainment!--Ed. Editor: Thanks for covering the new format of The Jerry Tate Show in your last issue. I've been a fan of Jerry's since he first went on the air, but now I'm not ashamed to admit it! It was really neat, and I had a super-cool time appearing on his show and would urge all of your readers to attend a live taping whenever possible! Detective T. Vetter 96th Precinct, Toronto PD goodcop@perk.org Letters to the editor are always welcome and are published on a space available basis. Feel free to send your comments to our email address. You must include your name and e-mail address. Writers using the non-words "alot" and "ahold" will be subject to extreme disciplinary measures involving duct tape and a "Barney the Dinosaur" video. =20 Names and e-mail addresses will be withheld upon request, but those making said request will be asked to state their reasons in a five paragraph essay of 500-700 words. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling count.=20 Buffy St. Claire Editor-in-Chief nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu *LATE BREAKING NEWS* ART WORLD STUNNED BY THEFT OF "LUCIUS IN REPOSE" PORTRAIT by Elisa DuBucket and Jim duBones Thousands of women around the world are in mourning today as news of the theft of the portrait known as *Lucius In Repose* was revealed to the public. The Toronto's Museum of Fine Art's director, Mr.Jacques Olantron only statement to reporters this morning was that the police did have a few leads on the thieves, but nothing more could be said at this time as it might jeopardize the investigation. "Lucius in Repose" had been donated to the museum only three weeks ago by L. J. Patnaude, who is not a known patron of the museum. It remains as mystery as to why Ms. Patnaude would voluntarily donate such a valuable and unique work of art after only coming into possession of it a short while ago. Ms. Patnaude is currently being sought by police and therapists for questioning. "Lucius in Repose" is estimated to be approximately 2000 years old. Historians and mystics report that the portrait may cause strange physical reactions in viewers. The myth of an ancient curse has long followed the portrait--and strangely only women seem to be afflicted by the alleged curse. The afflicted who gaze upon it develop an immediate fever, lose the ability to think rationally and also lose control of their salivary glands and begin to drool uncontrollably. The women don't seem to be in any pain, on the contrary, they seem to enjoy the experience tremendously. The portrait had been previously owned by Dr. Penny Thomas. Dr. Thomas was found drowned at her estate and at the time the police suspected foul play due to the strange circumstances surrounding her death. They felt it was most unusual for the victim to drown in a bucket of drool. The portrait was discovered next to her body, along with a bucket of drool, and two extremely large cats who were very agitated and hissing at the portrait. It would appear the portrait was auctioned off along with the rest of the doctor's estate. The case is still active. Ms. Patnaude came into possession of the portrait five weeks ago at the estate auction. Two weeks later she telephoned the director of the Toronto Museum of Fine Arts to inform him that the portrait was his. The director could not believe his good fortune as this was a well sought after piece by many art historians, collectors and sex therapists. When the director asked why she was giving it away, the only response from Ms. Patnaude was a cryptic "Because I like THAT one". He heard a giggle and then she hung up. The portrait was delivered to the museum the following day. Shortly before the portrait was scheduled to go on display with a special Halloween opening, throngs of women descended upon the museum demanding the doors be opened and would not leave until they were forced out by museum security. The museum has been forced to bill many women for improper use of the cleaning buckets. "I have never seen anything like this before", a museum guard told our reporter. "At least not since Elvis." An unusual rumor had begun to spread that the portrait was a fake and was actually a portrait of Lucien LaCroix, known for his radio persona as The Nightcrawler. It was also rumored that a class action suit was being filed against Mr. LaCroix for Alienation of Affection. This suit was being filed by boyfriends and husbands of the women camped out at the museum to see *Lucius In Repose.* The men claim that they are no longer receiving attention, or anything else, from their wives or girlfriends unless they dress in very short togas, cut and dye their hair whitish blond, and enhance their eyebrows. When Mr. LaCroix was interviewed, he stated that the rumor was false as he had *spoken* to the lawyers of the ditched men and the lawyers had unanimously agreed that the case didn't have a leg to stand on. "Besides, I would never be caught dead in white, or plaid for that matter" responded Mr. LaCroix. Since the interview, Mr. LaCroix has been incommunicado. A general consensus of the atmosphere surrounding the disappearance of the portrait can be gleaned from interviews of some of the women who were holding vigil outside of the museum. Our reporter, Jim duBones, asked the women why they thought someone would steal *Lucius In Repose.* Here are just a few responses. Nancy Young: "Who knows why anyone does anything anymore?! Dammit, I'm just an editor Jim, not a psychoanalyst!" Starr (who didn't want her last name revealed): "I don't know, but when they find who is responsible for this, I'll be the first person they see." Cousin Cherri (who refused to give any other name): They're monsters! But I know how to deal with monsters." This reporter must comment that Cousin Cherri was sporting what looked like a long, puke green nerf bat with 4" metal spikes protruding along the length of the bat. Also, she was wearing a t-shirt with a "NO COW" symbol emblazoned on both the front and back. This reporter decided to end the interview with Cousin Cherri, but not before she asked what TOTC meant. The police are confident that they will have this case solved soon. This portrait is not something that could be sold on the black market as it is too distinct and easily identified. Speculation is that the reason behind the theft is not monetary, but perhaps retribution. But by whom? Frustrated husbands and boyfriends in a vain attempt to get attention? A practical joke concocted by Lucien LaCroix to boost ratings? An ulterior motive yet only known to Ms. Patnaude? There have been several reported sightings of a vehicle belonging to Lucien LaCroix. In the car were supposedly seen Mr. LaCroix and an unknown woman, who according to witnesses said "Why settle for one dimensional? I do so like THIS one!" All that is truly known is that the art world and women everywhere have suffered a terrible loss. A hotline has been set up and a =2410,000 reward is being offered by the museum for any information that will lead to the whereabouts of the portrait. All calls will be kept confidential. Please call the Toronto Police Dept. at 1-800-COUSINS (1-800-268-7467). CRAZED FANS GATHER AT CERK CERK publicity agent Cousin Jules reported that some peace and quiet has finally been restored to the CERK studios after a rampaging crowd of women stormed the doors last week. It seems that some photos which showed some rather well-defined appendages of the Nightcrawler had been spirited out of the radio personality's den and were sold over the Internet to raise money for charity. Some of the crazed fans did not make it through the front door, said one police officer, who added that the bodies of fainting fans had led them in the direction of the melee. The Toronto Police Department confirms the photos were taken as part of a joint publicity effort with the Toronto Museum of Fine Arts. The Nightcrawler bears an eerie resemblance to the figure portrayed in "Lucius in Repose," a work recently donated to the museum. Unfortunately, the portrait is currently missing and psychologists speculate female admirers of the subject simply transferred their excessive affection to the Nightcrawler. =20 The artist currently known as Quinn, who created the photos during an intense and lengthy session with Mr. LaCroix, confirms she does possess the original digital images, and will be able to recreate them for the publicity effort should "Lucius in Repose" be recovered. "Even if I didn't" she said, "I'd be more than happy to schedule another session with Mr. LaCroix. The first was such a religious experience . . .." GIVE A DAY TO THE KNIGHT November 16, 1996, has hereby been designated as the official date of a special campaign entitled, "Give a Day to the Knight". This special event will allow FK fans to show their support for Casey House, the Toronto AIDS hospice which has been designated by a-certain-well-known-FK-actor-with-a- bitchin'-buzz-cut-and-gourgeous-gams as his charity of choice. On November 16, volunteers will be donating at least eight (8) or more hours of their time to their local AIDS hospice. If there is no AIDS hospice or similar organisation in your area, we invite you to show your support for the volunteers and Casey House by making a financial contribution. The well-known-FK-actor-with-a-bitchin'-buzz-cut-and- gorgeous- ams will be donating some very special items to be awarded to the person making the largest financial contribution and the person making the largest time contribution. Volunteers will have until November 30, 1996 to accumulate volunteer hours. For more information on "Give a Day to the Knight" check out the Website at http://home.earthlink.net/=7Elasher/day.html or email Cousin Jules at KnightGal@aol.com. --------------------- *HEALTH NEWS* ASK DR. KNOW-IT-ALL Our medical expert is here to answer your questions about physical, mental, and emotional health. Dear Dr. Know-it-all, I'm very attracted to my girlfriend. But sometimes she drives me *crazy*. She's perky all the time. Her apartment is spotless. She even alphabetizes her refrigerator. But what drives me crazy is that the only time we seem to talk is when she thinks I can help her with her job. What can I do? Guy going crazy. Dear GGC, It's difficult to know without a complete physical and psychological examination, but your girlfriend seems to have a combination of problems. First, the obsessive cleaning and arranging is probably caused by a lack of outside, recreational interests. There's nothing wrong with being a homebody, but she may need a hobby. Have her try something physical like dancing or skydiving. Her excessive perkiness is probably caused by too much sugar and caffeine; restricting the intake of those substances, in combination with helping her find a hobby will probably assist with that problem. As for her only talking about her job, again, an outside hobby may help this. You might also try some old fashioned tonsil hockey--it's darned near impossible to talk and neck! Good luck. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all. Dear Dr. Know-it-all: I'm thirty-something and a working kind of a girl. I am more and more coming to resemble a fictional character who lives at her job, has no social life, keeps her hair in scunchis, and has wild fantasies about having a good time with a member of the undead community. Is this all there is to life?? Living for the Knightshift Dear LFTK, First of all, I'm assuming the "Knight" in your signature is a typo for "night." Obviously working the night shift limits your social life, which explains your fantasies about the undead. There's nothing wrong with a good dose of healthy fantasy, but you might consider applying your attentions to more than one member of this particular community. Focusing on one person tends to build up unattainable expectations and can only lead to disappointment for both parties. Getting to know a variety of night-types will help you appreciate variety, and will let the object of your affection realize you have better things to do than pine away for him. Second--lose the scunchies! All that elastic is probably restricting the blood flow to your brain. If you job requires you pull your hair back, invest in some classic hair ornaments with quick-release catches--it will allow the man in your life to help you let your hair down one handed. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it all Dear Dr. Know-it-all, I wrote to you last week about my hallucination problems, and you suggested hand detailing my romantic partner. Well, I took your advice, and at first she really got into it. I wet her down, sudsed her up and then followed with a quick rinse, but when I tried to hand buff her with hot wax, she hit me upside the head with a brick. What did I do wrong? Sincerely, Nice Knight Guy Dear NKG, Please call my office and make a personal appointment. You obviously need help both with understanding and applying metaphorical advice. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all *ENTERTAINMENT NEWS* CERK ANNOUNCES WINNER OF FIRST ANNUAL ESSAY CONTEST By Nom d'Plume CERK has just completed its first ever essay contest. The unbridled popularity of its "Nightwatch with the Nightcrawler" show has spawned an enormous fan network, and the Nightcrawler had deigned to heed their pleas for a chance to tell him how they feel. The topic for the essay contest was, "Why I listen to the Nightcrawler." Each entry was judged by the Nightcrawler, and the name of the winner will be released after she has collected on the grand prize. The grand prize for the contest winner is a New Year's Eve celebration to remember, with none other than the man himself. Cousin Jules, CERK Publicity Agent, reports there were thousands of entries and judging was difficult, but the Nightcrawler persevered. The winning essay appears below, but all submitted essays were copied and bound into books. The books will be sold, with the proceeds going to Casey House, a local AIDS hospice. Due to the adult nature of some of the entries, buyers must be 18 or over. If you are interested in purchasing a copy, please contact CERK at 555-CERK or email CERK@talk.org. WHY I LISTEN TO THE NIGHTCRAWLER Well, it all started when they canceled my favorite television program. I was used to staying up until all hours of the night to watch *my* show (even though I had every episode on tape). So, after the powers that be unfairly, unjustifiably, UNKINDLY (sorry, got carried away) canceled the program, I had to find new ways to entertain myself at 3:00 a.m. Sure, I have a husband and my 2.3 kids to occupy my time, but somehow, my life was just missing *something.* So, in the empty vortex of the dark night, unable to sleep, I'd slip on the earphones and surf the FM band. Public radio? Nah! Violins at that time of the night would just get on my nerves. Heavy metal hits! Umm...not at my age! Top Hits of the 70s, 80s and 90s? ICK! I hated disco when disco was hip! Light Jazzzzzz...better, but I got sick of Slightly-balding-forty-something-balladeer-who-relies-on-remakes-istead-of-rec or ding-original-material howling in my ears. Finally, disgusted with the whole entertainment industry, I'd point and click the remote, and shuffle off to bed. After the final episode of my favorite show aired, I spent most of my nights going through this same routine. Night after night after night. "Is there be no end," I wondered? Is there nothing to replace my obsession?? Then finally, Tommy (that would be my .3 child) must have been playing with the stereo tuner and hit the AM switch. At 2:30 a.m., I switched on the tuner and lo and behold, it was set at 680 CERK!!! Trumpets blared! Angels sang!! I fell out of my chair!!! I heard HIS voice! Smooth, silky, inviting. YES! YES! YES! This was no fake "When Harry Met Sally" reaction, this was the real enchilada! He seemed to be speaking to *me*! ". . . Many indeed are the terrors the earth breeds, causes for fear; and the bosom of the deep teems with monsters repulsive; overhead hang the lights that menace in midair; and all creatures, winged and earthbound, can tell of the wrath of the wind-driven hurricane. But who shall tell the tale of man's overbold spirit? And who can tell how far those passionate loves can dare, that live in the minds of perverse women, passions that keep company with man's crazed destruction?"* I listened attentively, for hours on end. I began to fantasize about this strange creature of the night...this man who shared my soul! What did he look like? Tall, well built, buzz cut (oh, the frictional possibilities!). A thin smile that would imperceptibly change with his every mood. And eyebrows!!! He had to have eyebrows. Thick, furry eyebrows!!! YES! We've never spoken, or even met, but I dreamed of him, and in my dream, he kissed me. "I loved my lips the better ten days after . . ."** I sold the TV, my husband, and my 2.3 children, and invested in the ultimate stereo. I live to listen to . . . the Nightcrawler. *The Libation Bearers by Aeschylus, 584-96 **The Two Noble Kinsmen by William Shakespeare (II, iii, 26) RAVEN HOSTS HALLOWEEN REVELS Spend All Hallows Eve at the Raven and enjoy the traditional atmosphere of the holiday. The Nightcrawler will be broadcasting a live rendition of many of your favorite ghost stories. There will also be a costume contest, with the top two winners getting an interview with the Nightcrawler himself. Vachon and his band Crush will be making a guest appearance sometime during the evening and Miklos, everyone's favorite nocturnal bartender will be tending bar on this All Hollows Eve. Hours are 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. Judging for best costume will be at midnight. For more info call 555-CERK, or e-mail Rosebud@cerk.org Beware, you may not be the same person when you leave. CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD--THE TOUR OF HAUNTED TORONTO by--Amanda LeCoeur Tired of watching the same insipid horror movies for your Halloween thrills? Does the prospect of heaving sugar-laden treats at strangely dressed children banging on your door make you nauseated? Then, may I suggest trying something completely out of the ordinary this All-Hallow's-Eve--the Tour of Haunted Toronto. In an attempt to improve community relations, the Toronto Metropolitan Police Department is sponsoring an event that puts a new twist on the macabre. . .and this intrepid reporter got the grand tour! It begins in the 96th Precinct office where you meet tour guides, Metro Homicide Police Detectives Nicholas B. Knight and Tracy Vetter. The solemn Detective Knight (who seems a bit uneasy about the whole affair) and his perky partner Detective Vetter escort you through the precinct building as you visit the interrogation room, view mug shots of famous Canadian serial killers ('serial' being any number more than two in Canada), and visit empty holding cells. Next is the material evidence locker, where Detective Knight may let you play with evidence from a grisly murder scene. . .as long as you don't leave with anything in your pockets! The next part of the tour is conducted from Knight's Cadillac, with the first stop being Kessel House. Strangely, both Detectives Knight and Vetter refused to accompany this columnist into the house, which added a surreal sense of foreboding, suggesting that the building truly is haunted. As I walked through the empty house, the shadows seemed to take on a life of their own, whispering to me of past lives taken before their time. They appeared to follow me, their cold hands of death reaching for me, as I lost my spurious courage and fled through the same door I earlier had entered. My heart was racing as I scurried back to the safety of Knight's Caddy. The two detectives exchanged a knowing glance. I know it was just the light playing a trick on my eyes, but it appeared as if a small girl holding a sleigh watched us drive away. The tour resumes with scant time for your heart rate and blood pressure to return to normal. As you investigate additional sites of various murders, assorted mutilations, and sundry acts of mayhem, you come to suspect that there is more to Toronto than meets the human eye. Finally, you reach what this writer considers to be the high point of the tour--the building both detectives caustically refer to as "The Apartment Building of the Damned." Said to have been inhabited by a vampire at one time, this unimposing brownstone has been the site of many mysterious events within the past few years. Detective Vetter was quick to point out that it has served as an organ acquisition center, and also was the former residence of Dr. Calvin Tucker, a renowned local research scientist who died under suspicious circumstances earlier this year. This building has seen more murders than Jessica Fletcher! No tour of the haunted locales of Toronto would be complete without a visit to the city morgue. Here you meet the charming Dr. Natalie Lambert, whose sweetness and vitality seem a bit out of place in such a morbid setting. The combined odors of chemical preservatives and excised human organs are the first things that assault you as you enter her lab; you may wish to ignore the dead body on the autopsy table. Dr. Lambert 'snaps on the latex' with the authority of a true artist; it is only later, as she describes her autopsy procedures in gruesome detail, that you realize how deeply engrossing her work can be. Vetter was more than willing to show me the nearest bathroom as my stomach turned a full 360 degrees. The tour ends at a local nightclub called the "Raven." Detective Knight evidently is very friendly with the club's owner, who was introduced simply as "LaCroix." The dignified proprietor graciously supplied us with free drinks the entire evening, although Detective Knight apparently prefers the club's private stock. The Raven is rumoured to be the local gathering place of Toronto's vampire community, and the industrial/gothic atmosphere lends credence to its reputation. . .as do the denizens of the night occupying the dance floor and numerous bar stools. The Raven also is famous for its excellent wine cellar and exotic drink menu. You never know what will be waiting for you in the beer fridge! This evening of wholesome fun ended as the sun threatened to rise in the early morning sky. As if on cue, the club quickly emptied of its customers, leaving only an anxious Detective Knight and a sleepy Detective Vetter. Upon returning to the precinct building, Knight gave a sigh of relief and courteously escorted this exhausted observer to her car. It was an extraordinary, albeit bizarre, evening--one that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Night of the Living Dead.' Anyone interested in taking this unusual tour can contact Captain Joe Reese at 555-TOUR. You will be asked to make a donation to Casey House (a local Aids Hospice), and it is worth every penny. Just remember to bring your own crucifix and garlic! IMO MOVIE REVIEWS by Rebecca McKenna Rating Scale: A-Completely satisfies cerebral hunger B-Satisfying bite of entertainment C-Palatable, if a bit bland D-Positively anemic F-Sucks Interview with the Vampire's Mortal Friend (A) - Doctor Natasha Lamb relates in detail her six-year experience as the friend and confidante of an alleged vampire in this fascinating and informative documentary. It features an in-depth look at the lifestyles of vampires in the modern world, including their feeding habits, superhuman abilities, and relations with mortals. A brief overview of the history and lore of their existence is also included. A must see for believers and skeptics enthralled by creatures of the night. Buffy, The Vampire's Slave (C) - When a dark, Spanish vampire encounters Buffy, the beautiful Inquisitor's daughter, he is determined to possess her as his own. Abducting Buffy on the night of her arranged marriage, he steals her away to his hideout in an abandoned Catholic monastery to be kept as his love slave. This film reads like a bad romance novel, and the portrayal of Buffy is much too perky, considering the subject matter. However, just for fun, rent the director's cut for the steamy, erotic NC-17 footage. The Raven: City of Vampires (B) - Evil and death lurk in the shadows, but one 800-year-old vampire is determined to win the fight for good, thereby redeeming his own soul. His efforts are continually thwarted by rival vampires bent on terrorizing humans. Even his companion vampires scoff at his role as vigilante, champion of the human cause. Filmed in a very Tim Burton-esque style, the imagery is dark and chilling. Only a frustrating lack of closure of the plot prevents this from being an "A." HALLOWEEN TV MUST SEES! Thursday night ushers in the premiere of the latest TV programme to be set in our fair city. "Toujours General" will follow the long and tumultuous life of an ancient vampire who has currently made Toronto his home. Although he tries his best to live a quiet and peaceful life as an unassuming radio talk show host, he is beset by a number of problems, including a wayward "son" who refuses to see the light and is a constant pain. Catch "Toujours General" at 11 pm on TPTB network. *CLASSIFIED* EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES Publicity Assistant: must like long hours and boss with an overactive libido. For application information call "The Jerry Show" at 555-4JER or email bigego@tptb.org Cow herders: willing to spend an inordinate amount of time caring for and talking to animals. Lavish attention, including back scratching, udder caressing, hand feeding, and sexual acts, required to instill a feeling of wellness and love. These cows are a rare breed maintained for special stock and must expire following a life experience of joy and pleasure. Herders must have a working knowledge of how to collect the animals' life-giving treasure at the moment of death and transfer it immediately for storage. This is very crucial as only at this exact moment will the elixir be at its most potent. Our company is a family business and handles only the most exclusive clientele. Preferred Applicants: Nepotism is strongly practiced and encouraged. Please bring any and all family members. Cousins are most welcome. Contact: Cherry Bridging-Knight, Bovine Ltd. (555)SUCKDRY, that is (555)782-5379 or email moogirl@bovine.org. Volunteer Citizens Patrol: Help control crime in your neighborhood. Join the "Evil Pink" Panthers. Training, cell phones and really cool uniform shirts provided. Call 555-PINK or email EvilPink@hero.org. FOR SALE Five Pounds of Pecans: Please call the SKL Cabana at 555-LUST or email sklgal@nut.org. Ask for Tracy Sue. LOST AND FOUND LOST: An extremely old and valuable antique instrument that I have grown very attached to. I will pay an exorbitant reward for the recovery of this exquisite work of art, as its value to me is purely personal in nature and not monetary. We have never been apart and I'm feeling as if an extension of my being has been torn away. With a single stroke of my hand my instrument could spew forth the sweetest music. I have spent many a night playing with it, causing its reputation to grow. How I miss making the ladies cry with tears of joy at the pleasure of partaking in my talent. Call 1-800-CREWCUT (1-800-273-9288) or e-mail to myego@stake.com. Ask for Loraina. SINGLES Single male looking for single female. Must like guitar music and late nights. Call 552-DUDE or e-mail cooldude@hunk.org Single, filthy-rich, buzz-cut male seeks playmate for trick or treat fun. Leather costume preferred. Chains required, whips optional. Email message to rosebud@cerk.org. Single male, law enforcement professional seeks frontal partner for costume contest. I've got a nifty horse outfit, and I'm willing to be the hind end. Call 555-BRIK or email brick@mort.org.