If this comes through with "funny" stuff and gunk, e-mail me at nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu and I'll send you a pretty copy. Warning: Rated PG-13 for innuendoes, a few bad words and extreme silliness. Disclaimers: Not necessary, according to Lisa "Disclaimers? We don't need no disclaimers! We don't got to show you no stinkin' disclaimers!" McDavid. The following real persons have graciously agreed to be abusement for our entertainment: Cousin Jules, Lisa Patnaude, and Cousin Annie. Thanks to Wicked Cousin Tippi for the "Evil Pink" image. Thank you kindly *Super* Beta Reader Heather Thornburg. Thanks to all the FK fiction writers and list members; face it, the silly stuff you say supplies most of the fuel. All typos and coherency errors are the sole responsibility of the editor, who has just finished grading final exams and projects and still has not completed her holiday shopping. Need I say more? We love feedback and comments. Send those virtual rewards to any or all of the following intrepid reporters and creators of general silliness: Cousin Annie, araper@venus.seark.net Cousin Jules, KnightGal@aol.com Lisa Patnaude, LadysAVamp@aol.com Nancy Young, nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu NOCTAMBULIST IV Toronto's Late Night News for Late Night Folks December, 1996 Volume 1, Issue 4 *LETTERS TO THE EDITOR* Editor: My brother has been bringing home copies of your paper (his best friend is a Canadian RCMP assigned to the Canadian Embassy here in Chicago--boy, you guys sure know what to export) and I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy it, even though I'm an American. It's kind of neat to read about different cultures. I was especially interested in the "Evil Pink" stories as a I was a victim due to purchasing an imported suit at a local factory outlet. It just broke my heart to turn it in to the local hazardous waste drop-off site; it's one of the cutest things I've ever bought! Anyway, you do a great job, but you might want to consider adding a fashion section, you know? Even the night shift has an interested in looking their best at all times. F. Vecchio lilsis@windy.net Thank you kindly, Ms. Vecchio. We're delighted to know our publication is reaching a wide audience who appreciate our efforts, and we'll certainly explore the addition of a fashion section. -- Editor Editor: Thank you for covering the the theft of "Lucius in Repose" from the Toronto Museum of Fine Art in your last issue. Making the public aware of the theft, plus the possible physiological reactions to the portrait will greatly assist the Museum and the Police Department in the investigation process. We urge anyone who may have information to call the special hot line at 1-800-555-DRUL. Sincerely, Jacques Olantron Director, Toronto Museum of Fine Art artguy@tmofa.org Editor: Totally dug your coverage of all the happenin' options for Halloween fun in your last issue! It's nice to know adults have an option besides the usual, boring cheesy parties and haunted houses. I personally took the Tour of Haunted Toronto with Detectives Nicholas B. Knight and Tracy Vetter and had a total blast! I would highly recommend it to folks next year--the visit to the coroner's office just shouldn't be missed! JD Vachon Slacker Cooldude@hunk.org Letters to the editor are always welcome and are published on a space available basis. Feel free to send your comments to our email address. Writers using the non-words "alot" and "ahold" will be subject to extreme disciplinary measures involving a roll of duct tape and a "Barney the Dinosaur" video. Names and e-mail addresses will be withheld upon request, but those making said request will be asked to state their reasons in a five paragraph essay of 500-700 words, citing at least three outside sources. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling count. Buffy St. Claire Editor-in-Chief nyoung@wpo.sosc.osshe.edu Plays well with scissors; runs with others. *LATE BREAKING NEWS* POPULAR NIGHTCLUB OWNER SUES LOCAL 12-STEP GROUP Attorneys for Lucien LaCroix, owner of The Raven, filed suit in Crown Court today against members of the 12-step programme, Nunkies Anonymous, for defamation of character. "My client strongly objects to the 'goody-goody' image of him which this programme fosters in people. It's definitely bad for business," said barrister Ann Lipton, a member of LaCroix's legal team. When asked to elaborate, Ms. Lipton declined to answer, explaining that it will be a subject for the courtroom, should the case proceed to trial. Meanwhile, counsel for Nunkies Anonymous are hoping to reach an out-of-court settlement. "No offense or injury was intended," said Ms. Annie Raper, founder of the self-help group. "The members of this organisation are very fond of Mr. LaCroix. In fact, Nunkies Anonymous aims to help the addicted adjust their sugar-coated view of him. We feel that this is simply the result of a misunderstanding on the part of Mr. LaCroix's advisors." NOCTAMBULIST will continue to follow this story as matters progress. TPTB NETWORK BROADCAST SIGNAL "HIJACKED" Spokespersons for TPTB network confirm that unknown persons hijacked their broadcast signal during the Friday the 13th, 3 pm broadcast of "The Jerry Tate Show". Home viewers, as well as the in-studio audience, were treated to approximately one hour of a video-taped performance of "The Boys From Syracuse." The Toronto Police Department is currently investigating the hijacking, as well as an unfortunate accidental death by drowning which occurred during the unscheduled broadcast. "It's quite unusual, but not unheard of, to drown in one's own drool," said Coroner Dr. Natalie Lambert. The investigation is being headed by Detective Nick Knight of the 87th precinct. Another officer from the 87th precinct noted "The Boys from Syracuse" featured a Nick Knight look-alike in the role of Antipholus of Syracuse. "It's really eerie," said the officer, who asked to remain anonymous. "The looks on the faces of the witnesses as Knight interviewed them was absolutely priceless! Hey, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Knight as a law-enforcement professional, but let's face it, he's a kinda buttoned-up conservative sorta guy! Do ya really think he'd be caught dead singin' and doin' the chicken dance while wearing a mini-tunic and flashin' his tightie-whities?" Anyone with information on the broadcast hijacking is asked to contact Detective Knight or Detective Vetter at the 87th precinct. NOCTAMBULIST REPORTER ARRESTED IN STALKING CASE Spokespersons for the Toronto Police department have announced an arrest in a bizarre stalking case. Ms. Lisa J. Patnaude was taken into custody earlier this month, following an investigation of the theft of "Lucius in Repose" from the Toronto Museum of Fine Arts. Ms. Patnaude donated the portrait to the museum, and shortly thereafter began harassing radio personality Lucien LaCroix, also known as the Nightcrawler. "Part of the problem is that Ms. Patnaude seemed perfectly normal in the beginning," said Cousin Jules, CERK publicity agent and personal assistant to Mr. LaCroix. "Ms. Patnaude and Mr. LaCroix share a common interest in fine art and ancient history, and after she acquired 'Lucius in Repose', he encouraged her to donate it to the museum so that the general public could appreciate one of the greatest art discoveries of the late twentieth-century." Apparently Ms. Patnaude suffered from the strange physical phenomenon associated with the portrait--supposedly the result of an ancient curse. A number of female visitors to the Toronto Museum suffered similar, but more mild symptoms while viewing the portrait, before its disappearance. Medical experts speculate that Ms. Patnaude's extreme symptoms are a result of prolonged exposure. "She had the portrait in her possession for several weeks before donating it to the museum," explained a representative for the Office of Scientific Investigation, "and it's impossible to know how long the obsession will last." Ms. Patnaude persuaded Mr. LaCroix to accompany her to a secluded holiday house for a vacation, but her bizarre behavior forced the popular radio personality to summon assistance. Mr. LaCroix confirmed he had left willingly, but a week with Ms. Patnaude had him fearing for his physical health, and when she attempted to prevent him from returning to Toronto he realized she was in need of professional help. A search of Ms. Patnaude's residence turned up evidence that she had been stalking the Nightcrawler for several months. As she was taken into custody, Ms. Patnaude's only comment was "I want my Nunkies and I want him now!" Mr. LaCroix declined to comment on the specifics of his week with Ms. Patnaude, stating only that he hoped Ms. Patnaude received the necessary help to help her return to a productive life. Representatives of Nunkies Anonymous are reportedly working with Ms. Patnaude's physicians. Mr. LaCroix has returned to broadcasting his Nightwatch with the Nightcrawler show, and Cousin Jules reports he seems no worse for his experience, although she was concerned when he first returned as he had a perpetual, satisfied smile on his face. "Mr. LaCroix really is a nice guy," she noted, "but he tends to be rather reserved, and that smile, while satisfied, was definitely out of character." "Ms. Patnaude is still a valued member of our staff," said NOCTAMBULIST editor Buffy St. Claire, "and we expect her to return to her reporting duties as soon as she is feeling able to." Readers who would like to send Ms. Patnaude a note or card to support her during this personally challenging time may send it care of this publication. *HEALTH NEWS* ASK DR. KNOW-IT-ALL Our medical expert is here to answer your questions about physical, mental, and emotional health. Dear Dr. Know-it-all, I am writing regarding one of the best known of all the holiday occurrences: depression. Specifically, mine. I hate this time of year, what with those silly Christmas trees and people dashing about madly to buy things they really can't afford for people they really don't like. And then there's all that nonsense about shepherds. Anyone with three brain cells to their credit would know there wouldn't be any sheep (and, thus, no shepherds) in any Middle Eastern Fields during the extremely cold, rainy season there, otherwise known as *winter*. I know--*I've* been there hundreds . . . I mean, *several* times. Yours, Buzz Dear Buzz, Are you perchance a descendent of Ebenezer Scrooge? Seriously, you do raise some valid points. While your facts about the season and the actual presence of sheep and shepherds may be accurate, what's more important is we need to remember the *spiritual* meaning of the holiday season. Here's a few reminders to help prevent holiday stress and disappointment. First, remember that the perfect holiday is impossible. Something, big or small, will go wrong--so just laugh it off and don't let it ruin the things that are going right. Second, don't be afraid to celebrate in your own way. If you dislike trimming trees and resent buying gifts for folks you don't like, put your energy into something else. Volunteer some time with your favorite charity; instead of buying a meaningless gift for the not- quite-liked recipient, make a charitable donation to *your* favorite cause in their name. Third, remember the reason for the season, and if someone you care about doesn't want to participate in your gung-ho celebration, be gracious enough to allow them to celebrate in their own way. Buzz, I would suggest if you truly don't enjoy this season, find something you do enjoy to occupy your time. If you can get away somewhere where Christmas isn't celebrated, so much the better. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all. Dear Dr. Know-it-all, HELP! 'Tis the season to gain weight! It started with Halloween and it's due to continue right up through Valentines! All that candy! All that rich food! Try to avoid sampling every homemade goody provided by your office mates and watch the hostile response! Try refusing third helpings from your mother and just wait for the hurt feelings to surface! Or for those of us with divorced parents, try eating two holiday dinners. And the gifts of homemade goods from friends and neighbors--how can I resist temptation when I have twenty-three pounds of candy sitting in my house! If Santa doesn't bring me a bigger pair of jeans, I'm gonna have to go to work naked, and believe me, in my job I need pants to hold my employment related paraphernalia. HELP! Sincerely, Perky, Blond, and Lacking Willpower Dear PB & LW, First of all, don't get obsessed about holiday weight gain. The average gain is 6-7 pounds, and if you continue a regular exercise program and return to a sensible eating plan after the holidays, the weight won't stay. Second, try a couple of different options with goodies at the office. If you know there will be loads of sweet stuff, plan on having it for lunch. Unless you're diabetic, a completely sweet lunch or two won't hurt you. Try to make certain breakfast and dinner are more nutritionally balanced. Or bring a plastic container to work and make a point of taking one of everything, promising the cooks you're going to savor it in private so you can enjoy the entire culinary experience. Holiday dinners are tough. First of all, try to eliminate the amount and types of food served. If the highlight of the meal tends to be one or two particular dishes, offer a variety of other foods in very small portions. Better yet, try having dinner buffet style, that way no one expects you to load up on every thing in one trip. Or consider volunteering at a community dinner. You'll get dinner, but you'll also burn calories as you serve and clean up. This might be especially effective in the case of divorced parents--you'll all be together but with the presence of strangers, perhaps family dynamics won't be so negative. Finally, do *not* bring home all the gifts of goodies. Reward the giver with a big "thank you kindly", put a sample of the goodies in your handy plastic container and deliver the rest to the nearest soup kitchen, retirement home, or shelter. Enjoy the holidays. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all Dear Dr. Know-it-all, I'll tell you right off the bat, I'm a cat and I'm having problems with my human during this holiday season. First of all, she keeps trying to put little outfits on me and take pictures. Second, she's buying all these catnip toys, wrapping them in bright paper and putting them under the big tree she's decided to plant in the middle of the living room (and I gotta tell you, I'm confused about this tree thing- -she plants one every year and every year it dies. The woman can't seem to figure out she has a black thumb). At any rate, I can smell the nip through the paper, and like any cat, I react and then she gets all bent out of shape and starts yelling. Finally, she has a constant stream of visitors who seem to feel it's OK to just pick me up, stroke me, and talk nonsense in completely unnatural voices. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, One Confused Kitty Dear OCK, You've raised some very valid points about strange holiday behavior, so let me direct my answer to humans in general. First of all, don't dress up your pets. Animals come with built-in clothing which is the most attractive and appropriate wear for their lifestyles. If *you'd* like to dress up and hold your animal companion in your lap while being photographed, that would be much more appropriate. Second, keep the catnip in an airtight container and away from the tree until the big day. And if you must have a tree, explain the expected behavior to your animal companions, but don't be surprised if they ignore you. Have a sturdy stand, or allow them in the room only when supervised. As for visitors, unless your animal companion *enjoys* being handled by strangers, let them spend some quality time alone in a comfortable room. Special friends may be admitted to the location for a brief visit, if desired. Hope this helps everyone. Sincerely, Dr. Know-it-all NUNKIES ANONYMOUS DECEMBER MEETING, UPCOMING EVENTS ANNOUNCED Nunkies Anonymous, a twelve-step recovery group for those unusually obsessed with Lucien LaCroix, the Nightcrawler, announces its December meeting is scheduled for December 23, 1996 at 6:30 pm at First Methodist Church. Scheduled speaker is CERK Radio Publicist, Cousin Jules, who will give us helpful hints for getting through the holiday season without the Nightcrawler. A second, anonymous speaker will share his personal experiences in breaking his obsession with Mr. LaCroix. Rumor has it that "Mr. X" is a homicide detective with Metro PD. The NA Christmas party will follow in the church's reception hall, so bring your favorite party food and a $5 gift for the exchange. Nunkies Anonymous Calendar of Events: 12/31/96 Field trip to Royal Ontario Museum to view "Lucius in Repose" before tuning in for the Nightcrawler's New Year's Eve broadcast has been canceled following the disappearance of the piece from the museum. 1/2-3/97 Training for our new crisis hot line. We need volunteers to person the phones. If interested, contact Cousin Annie at 1 (800) LUV-NUNK, box 1. 3/15-17/97 Nunkies Seminar. Mark your calendars for this one-- space will be limited. Speakers and topics to be announced at a later date. For more information about NA or upcoming events, call 1 (800) LUV-NUNK or e-mail Cousin Annie at annibug@thenunk.com. *ENTERTAINMENT AND SPECIAL HOLIDAY HAPPENINGS* FEAST FOR A RAVEN Cousin Jules, CERK Publicity Agent, announced yesterday that The Raven will host a special Christmas Eve Midnight Feast on the homeless. (Note: This was obviously some sort of a typo. NOCTAMBULIST was unable to reach Cousin Jules for the correct version of the news release, so we are taking the liberty of correcting this minor oversight.) All homeless persons are cordially invited to dine upon roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, brussel sprouts, plum pudding with brandy sauce, and last but not least, Lucien LaCroix's special "honey wine." Please get the word out for this worthy cause. DID YOU KNOW? by Guest Reporter Lucien Lacroix Did you know . . . There was no such thing as Christmas until the fourth century A.D.? There *was* a good, old fashioned, very naughty Roman holiday known as the Saturnalia which began every December 17 and ended December 25? That in 274 A.D., this holiday incorporated the feast of the Unconquerable Sun celebrated by adherents of the Persian religion known as Mithraism? (By the way, Roman soldiers really *liked* this one!) The custom of exchanging presents at Christmas is commonly linked to the magi's visit and their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Actually, gift-giving at the time of the winter solstice was a Roman custom--the winter gifts were known as "strenae". Honey, fruits, and lamps were among the popular choices, although gold coins were sometimes given. Alms-giving may also be traced to this period, since at the Roman Saturnalia the wealthy were obliged to share with the poor. The Emperor Constantine was a twit? There is no Santa Claus? Think about this as you prepare for your over-commercialized holidays! --Lucien Lacroix REPORTER ON THE STREET--WHAT'S YOUR HOLIDAY HOPE, WISH OR DREAM? Our Intrepid Reporter, Nom de Plume, braved the holiday crowds at the Midnight Madness sale at the mall to find out what the folks on the night shift are wishing for this holiday season. Nick Knight, Metro PD--"I'd like the world to reduce their beef consumption. I have a special affinity for our bovine friends. I'd also like some new vests. Mine seem to have disappeared." Natalie Lambert, Coroner--"Well, I'd really like a personal life. Oh, I'm not asking for anything particularly exciting or outrageous, but a *real* date, not just popcorn and a video would be nice. A little something from the Dangerous Liaisons boutique would be nice too!" Joe Reese, Metro PD--"A functioning water cooler at my office. You have no idea how frustrating it is to try and drink those necessary 8 glasses of water each day when you have to wrestle with the mechanics just to get one damned drop . . .. A pair of comfortable shoes would also be more than welcome." Lucien LaCroix, Radio Personality--"I would be delighted to see the over-commercialized Christmas go down in flames. Stop the insanity and recall the reason for the season. By the way, I do *not* have a warm, fuzzy side . A nice bottle of special vintage wine would also be delightful." Tracy Vetter, Metro PD--"I just want world peace! That would be the greatest thing! Of course, it means I'd be out of a job. I mean, if there's world peace, why would we need cops? Gosh, I guess I'd have to go back to school and retrain. Of course, that wouldn't be a bad thing. I'd study some field where my father has no influence, that way he wouldn't pressure me to go to work in his field. I've always been interested in theatre and dance! Wait! Where are you going . . . wanna have coffee?" JD Vachon, Theatre Critic, all around cool dude--"Ya know, I'd just like everyone to believe I'm trying to do the right thing, especially the elders in my community. Geez, some of those guys need to loosen up! Oh, and some leather chaps would be totally kickin'!" Screed, planetary resident--I'd like ta git me 'ands on the real life model for 'at Mickey Mouse guy whats so pop'ler at the 'appiest place on earth! Oh an' a gif certificate for "Merry Maids" would be nice. Us batchalers needs a bit 'o 'elp cleanin' up!" Urs, waif--"I'd like to go back to school and get my degree in Pop Psychology, I think I could do some good in that field. I'd also like to find the perfect hair stylist; I'm fairly new to the area and you may have noticed I'm having problems finding a good one." Myra Schanke, teacher--"I guess I'd just like to be able to spend a nice Christmas with my family and friends. It's the first one since my husband's death, and it feels a bit strange. I guess I look forward to remembering the good times. I'd also like a professional, full body massage! This term and finals were pretty stressful!" Jenny Schanke, student--"Well, it's gonna be kind of strange since my dad is dead. I hope my Mom and I just have a great time at my Grandma's. I'd also like a new softball glove and some tap shoes." AN UPDATED CHRISTMAS CAROL Reporter Lisa Patnaude is still thinking of her readers even as she works through her personal problems. Lisa has long alluded to the existence of a *special* community here in Toronto, and to that end she has updated and personalized a popular holiday song. The 12 Nights of Christmas (sung to that oh-so-familiar tune!) On the first night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me a hickey as none had ever seen. On the second night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the third night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the fourth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me a four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the fifth night of Christmas, my vampire give to me five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the sixth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the seventh night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me visions of seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the eighth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me eight cousins a milking, seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the ninth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me nine tryouts for Friday night at the Raven, eight cousins a milking, seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the tenth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me a ten hour apology, nine tryouts for Friday night at the Raven, eight cousins a milking, seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the eleventh night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me eleven hours alone for revenge-minded thoughts, a ten hour apology, nine tryouts for Friday night at the Raven, eight cousins a milking, seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. On the twelfth night of Christmas, my vampire gave to me a dozen good reasons why taking just a little is not a good idea, eleven hours alone for revenge-minded thoughts, a ten hour apology, nine tryouts for Friday night at the Raven, eight cousins a milking, seven-plus-one centuries of angst dancing in my head, Six Ravenettes a laying, five golden bricks! A four alarm hangover, three spiked cow specials, two glowing eyes and a hickey as none had ever seen. *CLASSIFIED* EMPLOYMENT Publicity Assistant: must like long hours and boss with an overactive libido. For application information call The Jerry Show at 555-4JER or e-mail bigego@tptb.org. Volunteer Citizens Patrol: Help control crime in your neighborhood. Join the "Evil Pink Panthers." Training, cell phones and really cool uniform shirts provided. Call 555-PINK or e-mail evilpink@hero.org. Temporary Holiday Help--Cabana Boys Needed. Positions for pool, towel, and shower attendants available. Also openings for bartenders. Positions run mid-December through January 2, 1997. Great pay, bonuses, and benefits. Fax resume and photo to the SKL Cabana at 555-LUST or e-mail sklcab@xxxfun.com. SERVICES We're Listening: Is someone in your life overly interested in the Nightcrawler? Does all activity in your house cease to function when Mr. LaCroix is on the radio? Has your loved one taken to muttering about life being . . . a juicy peach, or some such nonsense? Your loved one could be suffering from Nunkies Obsessive/Compulsive Syndrome. Call for help now. A caring, former sufferer is waiting to help. Call 1 (800) NUNKIES. PERSONALS Single male, 6'1", enjoys classical music, nighttime rendezvous, and toga parties. I know what you want. 555-BUZZ or e-mail rosebud@cerk.org. Single male seeks female companionship. Must have background in large animal veterinary practice, and enjoy spending all dates watching videos rather than going out and having a really good time. Call 555-THCK or e-mail brick@law.org. Single female looking for a romantic guy who is unintimidated by overbearing parents and would love to share breakfast, a movie and few good leads. E-mail perky@law.org or call 555-PRKY. Single guy looking for single gal. Enjoys club scene, church renovation and leather. No hairstylists, please. Call 555-HUNK or email cooldude@hunk.org.