Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 05:18:09 -0800 From: Evil Cousin Tiff Subject: Of Yuppies and Thugs (1/1) To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Like Mary, I was bored with writer's block one night. I ended up writing this. Scary isn't it? This fic is based on a rather interesting experience I had at a bagel place I went to for lunch about a week ago. Disclaimers: Uh, I don't own FK, yada yada. No infringement, yada yada. But when I'm rich from my unbelievable number of successful films, I'll by the rights to the show and hire Todd MacFarlen to draw the show into a surreal superhero comic book, and design special limited edition action figures to the fandom only! Mel Moser and the DPs can archieve this. ---------- "Of Yuppies and Thugs" by Evil Cousin Tiff (November 1999) The evening was still young. The stars were bright in the sky. There seemed to be stuff going on all over Toronto. And Cousins Mary and Tiff were bored out of their minds. They were both in the lounge of the Dark Perk Mansion, wallowing in their lack of anything to do. "Mary," Tiff whined. "Yeah?" Mary answered. "I'm booooored." "I'm bored, too." Hoping it would kill the boredom, Tiff got up and paced around a bit. It didn't work. She sat back down next to Mary. "Mary," Tiff whined again. "Huh?" "I'm boooooooooooored." "Yeah, me too." Tiff whined some more. Mary joined her, and the room filled with the squeally sounds of the two post-adolescents. The whining spread throughout the mansion, and if it weren't for the fact that the mansion was empty of almost all of the thugs, someone might have actually wondered if the sqeally whines were from some animal in pain. The only person in the mansion at the time was Anita. The newbie thug. She probably should've been out with the others, but she had chores to do. Chiseling caffeine deposits off the coffee pots, shining Tracy's gun, shampooing Rosy Tarantula. The list was long, but so goes the life of a newbie in the Dark Perks. Anita was up in Tiff's room. (Well, it *was* Tiff's room. Now it was just her base of operation for world domination plans. Hardly ever see Tiff there, unless discussing her next move with her henchmen circus midgets.) She was trying to clean up the terrarium of Springy Ving, the DP iguana, but it wasn't working. Futoomch, the littlest midget was giving her a hard time about being a band geek. Hearing the constant whining from the two downstairs was more than welcome to Anita. She really wanted a reason to leave Tiff's world domination hq, and that was it. She headed downstairs and found Tiff pacing back and forth flapping her arms like a 3-year-old having a temper tantrum, and Mary face down on the sofa moaning. "Are you two okay?" The younger one asked. Tiff continued to flap and pace, probably not hearing Anita over her own whining. Mary somehow managed to turn her head enough so that she could talk her. "We bored." "Oh, could you guys help me with these chores, then? I've got a whole list of them that need to be done." Suddenly Tiff stopped pacing and Mary sat up. "Uh, we have to uh..." Tiff said, trying to make up a reason not to do chores. "...meet Tracy..." Mary continued, "at the Raven." "Yeah, that's it!" Before poor Anita could get a word in edgewise, Mary and Tiff were out of the mansion, in Mary's screamin' fine Ford Taurus and on their way to the Raven. "Two mochas!" Mary said a little too jubilantly. Miklos wondered just how much caffeine Mary had had already this evening. He feared that since it was Amateur Night, she might try to make him take his shirt off, again. Or worse he does, but they do the thing where they throw money at him. Since Tiff never seems to have any bills, she throws quarters at him. Even on a vampire, coins will leave welts. Fortunately for the Greek vampire, Mary and Tiff noticed Tracy sitting in a booth in the back of the club, and both of them went to sit with her before they got their coffees. "Hi, Tracy," Tiff said, sliding into the booth. Mary slid in on the other side. Tracy was sandwiched between the two of them. "Whatcha doin?" Tracy asked, her face lighting up a little. "Nothin.' Just got bored," Mary answered. "Oh," Tracy's face darkened again. "You're bored too, aren't you?" "How did you know?" "We're bored. We know the look." A waitress walked over to the booth and asked if Mary and Tiff needed a drink. They informed her that they forgot to get their mochas from Miklos and she went to retrieve them. All three looked around as they seemed to sit in an uncomfortable silence. The waitress brought them 3 rounds of mochas before the three of them spoke a word. The only thing that broke the uncomfortable silence was that Mary noticed a peculiar couple walk into the club. One was a man, gray suit, dark blue shirt, and a power tie that matches the suit. The woman had a pleather leopard skin purse. Both wore square framed glasses in an attempt to look smarter. And both had cellular phones in their hands, talking into them, in an attempt to look important. "Ack! I thought their kind wasn't allowed in here!" Mary said. Without looking in the direction of where Mary was looking, Tracy said, "Now, Mary, that's a rather rude thing to say." "Not if you see them," Tiff defended, taking a swig of her foamy mocha goodness. Tracy turned her head. "Ah! What are they doing here?!" Yuppies had claimed a table in the Raven. This was not a good thing. For if they liked the club, they would tell there friends, and then their numbers would grow and multiply. Like vermin, yuppies are. Jacking up the price of sodas to $5 a glass and $20 for a cheeseburger. The three woman looked at the corporate creatures in disgust. The waitress brought the yuppies their drinks. "Look at that. They're drinking bottled water," Mary stated. "They've ordered bottled water from the bar." She started shaking her head. "There's something terribly wrong with that," Tiff added. "What are the odds that they're talking to each other through their cell phones?" Tracy asked. "I don't know, but I betcha the guy yuppy looks into the mirror each morning, while putting mousse in his hair, and says to himself, 'I'm a winner.'" Mary added. Tiff and Tracy tried hard not to laugh to loud. Unexpectedly, the girl yuppy got up and walked over to the DJ, spoke to him for a bit, then walked back. A few moments later, some monstrosity by John Tesh was being pumped through the speakers throughout the Raven. "Aaaahhh! New age music. How could they? I mean... is there no torture too cruel for them?" Tiff said, before going up to the DJ and demanding he put Lori Yates back on. For whatever reason the two yuppies seemed to fascinate the three ladies, no matter how much they tried, they couldn't tear their attentions away from the corporate lackeys. None of them had even noticed when Janette walked over and sat down. "Heeeelllloooo," she said trying to get the attention of the three mortals in the booth. "What? Oh, hi, Janette," Tracy stated. Tiff and Mary greeted her as well. "What has captured your attention so well? LaCroix showing off his fine assets again?" Janette quipped. All three shook their heads, and started looking over at the other table again. "What are you looking at?" "Over at that table," Mary said. "Yuppies, in the Raven." "Eating reindeer and goatcheese pizza," Tiff added. "And washing it down with bottled European spring water," Tracy concluded. "They're the ones that requested that horrid John Tesh music, earlier!" The thugs and Tracy nodded. "I thought that was some kind of a practical joke!" "Nope, it was them." Janette stood up, very furious. "I opened this club for those of my kind to have a refuge and for the fandom to have a place to throw parties and have good coffee. Not for *them* to come and play new age music, eat goatcheese pizza, and talk to each other from across the table on their cell phones!" Janette walked over to the yuppies' table. Tracy, Mary, and Tiff casually changed were they were sitting so that they could hear what the proprietor of the nightclub had to say to her unwelcome guests. " Sir, I'm going to have to ask you and your friends to take your cell phones and leave. " Janette said in a level voice. "But we're not done eating our pizza," the chick yuppie stated. " You will leave, NOW. " "We will go," one of them said picking up their things. " And leave a good tip for the waitress. " With that, the weak-minded yuppy scum got up and left. After a few giggles, the ladies realized that the reason they were so fascinated by the yuppies was that it was the only thing that relieved their chronic boredom. And they were bored again. Miklos, at the bar, noticed that Mary and Tiff were on the fourth mochas, and for fear of welts and embarrassment, he made sure that he was out of the Raven before him stripping on Amateur Night ever crossed their minds, again. Tracy, Mary, and Tiff all made one big collective sigh, each leaning their chin in the palm of one of their own hands. "Traaaaccyyy," Tiff whined. "Hmm?" Tracy answered. "I'm boooored." "I know. I am too." Suddenly, Mary stood up and a light bulb almost seemingly appeared above her head. "It's Amateur Night. Let's pay Miklos to strip!" Tiff and Tracy's eyes lit up. "He's already gone home for the night," Janette, intervened. "Well, we need something to do. I could find out where he lives." Tracy commented with an evil grin on her face. The thugs laughed and made their way outside. They stopped in the parking lot. "Okay who's car are we going to take?" Mary asked. "I'd say my Taurus , but I really want to see yours, Mary," Tracy replied. "How does it handle?" "Oh, it's great! Thanks for suggesting it to me." "No problem." Tiff started to tug on the two blondes, "Does anyone else notice the mysterious figure walking this way?" Mary and Tracy looked over into the parking lot. Out of the darkness a figure appeared. A feminine figure. "Jody!?!" Tracy squealed. The figure ran closer. "Tracy!" Jody cried out, reaching to hug her old friend. "It's been too long." "Jody, what are you doing here? I thought that after Perry brought you across, you left Toronto to learn to be a vampire or something." "Oh, I did. But now I'm back, working as a super hero! I am the Night Mistress and Perry is Wonder Mutt! We are protectors of sub-culture and destroyer of yuppies! --- Meanwhile, in a parking lot different than that of the one Mary and Tracy use, but still not too far from the Raven, the two yuppies walk back to their BMW . "What did you think of that nightclub?" The guy asked the girl. "I liked it. I think we should tell all our friends about it." "Yes, then one of them will buy it from it's current owner and jack up the prices, so that only we can eat and drink there." "Another local establishment the locals won't be able to afford!" Their evil as yuppies was great, and they knew it as they threw their heads back and laughed. As they approached their car again. The girl noticed a creature sitting nearby. "Oh, what a cute dog!" ---------- The End Flames can be directed to anyone but me. 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