margaret@cs.arizona.edu 
  
  
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The Joke 
by Margaret Newman 
  
  
  
        "Myra!" Don cried when he saw what Myra was serving 
for supper. Vegetable lasagna, something that looked like tofu 
and peas, salad that had been sprouts and other things he couldn't 
-and didn't want to- name. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you? 
You can't expect me to eat this- this- crap!" 
        "Donald, you are going to eat every bite I put on your 
plate." She replied with the "don't mess with me" voice. Jenny 
ducked her head, grinning. 
        "I gotta work all night, it's been raining for three days, 
and- and- ." He stopped, seeing her eyes narrowed at him. One 
hand on her hip, one hand jiggly a serving spoon threateningly. 
"Okay, okay." 
        Several tortured minutes went by as Myra watched Don 
take servings from each dish. She continued to watch him, making 
sure he took a bite. Finally, she turned away and checked on 
dessert. Jenny glanced up at her father, her eyes sparkling. 
She took a drink of her glass of milk, and nodded at his own 
glass of milk. 
        Don winked at his daughter, taking a gulping drink of 
what turned out to be 1% milk. He winced, forcing himself to 
swallow. Jenny started to giggle, but quickly caught herself. 
Mommy's and Daddy's constant food argument was a source of 
amusement for her. Whenever Daddy was gone to work or off with 
his friends, Mommy got out her chocolate supply. 
        "MMmmm, good." Don choked. He shoved in a few more 
bites of the various things -garbage as far as he was concerned- 
on his plates. Another drink of the watery milk. Myra eyed her 
husband's progress from the kitchen counter. She was having a 
tofu shake for supper. 
        "Gee, Daddy. I have a funny joke to tell you." Jenny 
watched as he filled up his mouth again. "I heard it at school." 
        "Whhmmmmss?" Don waved his fork in the air, wiggling 
his eyebrows. 
        "What do you say to a newly made vampire?" Her eyes 
sparkled mischeiviously. 
        Myra made a slight choking noise, and turned away. 
Don tried to swallow, but the health food mass in his mouth 
seemed to swell in size. His watered milk glass was empty. 
        "Hhmm?" He replied, putting his napkin to his mouth. 
Oh, god... 
        "Coagulations!!" Jenny shouted, bouncing in her seat. 
Mommy burst out laughing, grabbing the counter for support. 
        Don snorted. It was quite an uncomfortable feeling. 
His stomach jiggled, his throat constricted. It wasn't that 
funny of a joke. It was just the way Jenny told it, and her 
laughter afterwards. Myra was cracking up, practically holding 
onto the counter for dear life. He tried to swallow again, 
but it was hopeless. That was when he blew. Like a volcano. 
All over the kitchen table. Jenny jumped out of her seat 
with a high pitched shriek. Myra crumpled to the floor, her 
face a brilliant red, tears streaming down her face. 
        "Oh, Donny!" Myra cried. 
        "Man oh man oh man!" Don lunged for the fridge, grabbed 
a beer, and ran for the bathroom. 
        "I guess I better not tell jokes when Daddy's mouth 
is full." Jenny sighed, sitting on the floor by her mother. 
        "No." Myra hiccuped. "It gets him every time." 
  
  
  
                        *               * 
  
  
        "You feeling okay, Schank?" Nick asked as he watched his 
partner drop two tablets of Alka-Seltzer into a cup of water. 
        "Yeah, fine, wonderful." Don sighed, waited a second, 
and drank the contents of the paper cup down. The beer hadn't 
helped. This was his second dose of Alka-Seltzer. Just the thought 
of tofu or vegetable lasagna sent him running for the restroom. 
        "You want a doughnut or something?" Nick picked up a file, 
and stood. Schanke glared at him from across their desks. "Hey, 
I was just asking." 
        "Hi, guys." Natalie walked over to them, setting her 
briefcase on Nick's desk. "The test results on the Dwyer case 
have been delayed. I should have them for you by tomorrow." 
        "Damn!" Schanke shook his head. 
        "You know, you don't look so good." Nat frowned at 
him. "Do you have the flu?" 
        "No." Don crumpled the cup, and tossed it into the 
waste basket. "Myra's cooking is going to kill me. Either that 
or Jenny telling jokes when I've got a mouthful of the vile 
stuff." 
        "Jenny tells jokes when you're eating?" Natalie laughed, 
glancing at Nick. Their eyes met, and they grinned. 
        "Are her jokes that bad?" Nick asked, standing behind 
Natalie. (She smelled good, something flowery, and he surreptitiously 
took an extra deep breath just so he could remember it later.) 
        "Okay, okay." Don leaned back in his chair, holding his 
hands up in the air. He didn't see Captain Cohen standing a few 
feet a way, a shoulder leaning against the wall. "What do you say 
to a newly made vampire?" 
        "Oh, gosh." Natalie blinked rapidly, half turning to look 
up at Nick. "I don't know. What would you say, Nick?" 
        "Nice tan??" He replied innocently, eyes wide. 
        "Coagulations!" Captain Cohen said, her hand coming to 
rest lightly on Schanke's shoulder. It scared Don nearly out of 
his wits. He jumped out of the chair with a shriek. Captain Cohen 
managed to step out of the way of his chair which hurtled backwards. 
The entire precinct erupted into fits of laughter... 
  
  
                        *                       * 
  
        Dawn was not so far away, but Nick was not yet to safety 
in his loft. He had stopped at The Raven on the way home. He walked 
down the steps into the main level of the establishment, nodding 
to Miklos at the bar. The bartender was giving his domain the last 
few swipes before turning in for the day. 
        "They are in the back, Nikolah." Miklos said, nodding towards 
the private area. "Be careful, my friend. Her fangs are sharp tonight." 
        "Thank you for the warning." Nick grinned. Maybe he should 
have gone straight home? 
        "Nicholas." LaCroix looked up at the opening door. "What a 
pleasant surprise. Come and join us." 
        "He can finish this ridiculous game with you." Janette hissed, 
standing. She flashed Nick a furious look, and stalked over to the 
sidebar. Refilling her glass, her heels clicked as she walked to 
the cold fireplace. 
        "Backgammon." Nick sat down in Janette's chair. "How did you 
get her to play in the first place?" 
        "Charm, Nicholas." LaCroix said with a smile. "What brings 
you here so close to dawn? Or were you, perhaps, looking for 
companionship?" 
        "Oh, I don't know." Nick shrugged, idly moving a game piece 
around on the board. "A whim?" 
        "Stupid." Janette shook her head, turning from the fireplace 
to walk across the room. 
        "Janette." LaCroix purred her name. It was not a loving 
invitation. It was a very strong suggestion to quit pacing. 
        "I heard a joke today. I found it amusing." He looked over 
at Janette, then at LaCroix. "A rather silly joke, but it certainly 
has gotten laughs." 
        "Tell us, then." His father nodded. "Perhaps it will amuse 
Janette." She made a rude noise. 
        "What do you say to a newly made vampire?" Nick stood, tossing 
a black and white chip down to the backgammon board. Neither member 
of his audience spoke. He shrugged, walking slowly to the door. 
"Coagulations." 
        Janette growled, and toss her glass at his head. He ducked 
in time, slipping out the door. The sound of LaCroix's laughter 
followed him out of The Raven. It was a silly, idiotic joke. That 
was for sure. Yet it certainly got reactions out of everyone. Nick 
drove straight home, making it inside before the bright light of 
day could burn him. He smiled, remembering Schanke's reaction, as 
he closed the blinds. 
  
                                The End