* 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
* How to live in a world that's politically correct?
* His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
* "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
* And labor conditions at the north pole
* Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
* Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
* Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
* And equal employment had made it quite clear
* That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
* So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
* Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
* The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
* The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
* And people had started to call for the cops
* When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
* Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
* His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
* And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
* Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
* And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
* Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
* So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
* Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
* Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
* Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
* And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
* That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
* Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
* Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
* Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
* Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
* Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
* Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
* Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
* Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
* No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
* Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
* And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
* Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
* For they raised the hackles of those psychological
* Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
* No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
* Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
* Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
* And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
* So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
* He just could not figure out what to do next.
* He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
* But you've got to be careful with that word today.
* His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
* Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
* Something special was needed, a gift that he might
* Give to all without angering the left or the right.
* A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
* Each group of people, every religion;
* Every ethnicity, every hue,
* Everyone, everywhere...even you.
* So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
* "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
*
* (c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
*
*  Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
*  distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All
*  follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should
*  be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!