From: Christine Hawkins 
Subject: VQ: Mortal Helpers. 





     Got a toothache?  Need to Remove a Pesky Bullet?  Indigestion?
            These Mortals Can Ease the Pain of Un-Living.

                      by Christine Hawkins.

"Of course," says Dr Natalie Lambert, leaning back in her chair and
smiling, "in my job I had a head start. After all," she twinkles, "it's
not such a great step moving from the dead to the undead."

I look around the interior of the Toronto City Morgue, where Dr. Lambert
works the night shift.  Like Dr Lambert herself, her office projects a
friendly, "homely" atmosphere.

"Sadly," continues Dr. Lambert, "there are very few medical facilities
available for vampires."

Dr Andrew Wu of Los Angles agrees with her.  "There aren't the
resources that there should be.  Vampires are a sadly under-served part of
the population."

    __________________________________________________________________

      "SADLY... THERE ARE VERY FEW MEDICAL FACILITIES FOR VAMPIRES..."
    __________________________________________________________________

Dr Wu, a dental specialist, comments on some of the "special"
problems of his patients.  "Many of my clients date before the era of
modern dental practices. You can imagine how some of these people have
suffered through the centuries."

A lot of his work, however, is purely cosmetic.  "Capping, orthodontics. 
I've had to develop many new techniques in dealing with vampire dental
problems... Fangs, for example.  Creating braces and bridgework which
allows for fang outgrowth requires some _really_ creative thinking."

For those who think vampires' problems are all in their head there is Dr
Sophie Gieryztik of New York.  "We prefer not to call them vampires," she
scolds gently.  "Haematologically Different or Diurnally Challenged are the
correct terms."  Dr Gieryztik specialises in counselling vampires.  While
she is understandably reluctant to divulge confidential details, she does
discuss some vampiric problems such as "Flashback Syndrome".

    ___________________________________________________________________

        "CAN NO LONGER FUNCTION... IN THE MODERN WORLD...
    ___________________________________________________________________

"'Flashback Syndrome' mainly happens to older vampires," she explains. 
"The sufferer starts having longer and longer 'flashbacks' at shorter and
shorter intervals.  Eventually the patient lives entirely in the past and
can no longer function in the modern world."   

Dr Gieryztik also treats vampires who want to travel 'back' across.  "It's
all part of the stress of modern living," she confides.  "I do what I can
to reconcile these Diurnally Challenged to their condition."

Dr Lambert disagree's vehemently.  "There is no reason for a vampire who
doesn't want to be a vampire to *stay* a vampire," she asserts.  "Modern
medical research is developing a cure now.

Is Dr Lambert working along these lines?

"Yes," she answers.  "I'm trying a diet approach."  Dr Lambert has been
developing a line of protein and garlic shakes.  "It's not very pleasant,"
she confides, "but I'm working on the taste."  The results?  "Well, the
returns aren't all in yet," she confesses, "but the preliminary results
are promising."

And for the future?

"Just wait and see," she smiles.


NEXT ISSUE: CLUB DEAD?  A FLY-BY-NIGHT ORGANISATION FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO
TRAVEL IN STYLE.