Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:30:30 -0400 To: FKArchiver@fkfanfic.com From: "Brenda F. Bell" Subject: XOVER: (?) PARODY/SKIT: Vampire Rogers' Neighborhood Disclaimers: The following is an unauthorized parody in which characters and premises in the television show "Forever Knight" are inserted into "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood". "Forever Knight" is created by James D. Parriott and Barney Cohen, and owned by Sony-Tristar. "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" is produced by Family Communications, Inc. in conjunction with WQED-TV, Pittsburgh, and is shown on Public Broadcasting System television stations. Alert: The "Mister Rogers" references are spread across twenty or thirty years of the show; if you are a younger watcher, you may not remember some of the characters, situations, or songs. Rights: This work is copyright 1997 by Brenda Faith Bell. No infringement is intended upon the copyright holders of either "Forever Knight" or "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood", their writers, actors, crew, or technical staffs. Rights are given to post this parody to the FK ftp and Web sites. Performance rights are given to single live private performances (such as club meetings not open to the general public). All other rights reserved. Contact: Please send all comments, flames, etc. to bfbell@dorsai.org. Brenda ---------- Cue saccharine, tonic-mode piano intro... The sound of a crashing window is heard, and the thump of a vampire landing. LIGHTS come up on VAMPIRE ROGERS, clad in leather jacket, black pants, and combat or motorcycle boots, who's just arrived home. He crosses into his living room, in which there is a stoplight, a model flying harness over a track, a small aquarium filled with piranha, and a picture whose frame may be either blue or glowing gold, depending upon the episode... ROGERS crosses to the closet, hangs up the jacket and takes down a satin smoking robe, which he dons, then sits at a bench and exchanges his boots for soft leather slippers... As he does this, he begins to sing: "It's a beautiful night in this neighborhood, A beautiful night for a victim, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? It's a neighborly day for a beauty, would, A neighborly day for a victim, Could you be mine? (please?) Would you be mine? I have always wanted to have a victim just like you, I've always wanted to sink my fangs into a neck like you So, let's make the most of this beautiful night, Being my victim should be your delight, Would you be mine, Could you be mine, Won't you be my victim? Won't you please? Won't you please? Please won't you be my victim." NOTE: Everything in the room and in the nearby kitchen is clearly labeled in large, grade-school-teacher letters. A gagged VICTIM is bound hand and foot to a kitchen chair. The VICTIM is also clearly labeled, as are VAMPIRE ROGERS'S LEATHER COAT and VAMPIRE ROGERS'S SMOKING JACKET. NOTE: VAMPIRE ROGERS speaks in the saccharine type of voice Mister Fred Rogers uses in his children's show. ROGERS: Hi, victim! How are *you* today? VICTIM squirms. ROGERS: Good, fear makes *such* sweet blood! [to VICTIM and AUDIENCE, both:] I see everything here has been clearly labeled [pointing to each]: the window, the skylight, the refrigerator, Picture-Picture -- even my pet piranha! [a beat] I guess we're ready for the ISO 9000 audit. Can *you* say, "ISO 9000 audit?" [another beat] It was something the Powers That Be -- the intellectual property owners -- insisted upon. Can you say, "intellectual property"? A *whoosh* of flight and the sound of a crashing window is heard offstage, and the thump of feet landing. ROGERS: Someone's at the window. I wonder who *that* could be? Crosses to sign marked "Window ----->" and looks offstage. Enter FLIGHTY McBRIDIE, with a body bag. McBRIDIE is wearing a "Vampire Express" uniform, which should look like a takeoff on a Federal Express courier's uniform. McBRIDIE: Speedy delivery! Speedy delivery! ROGERS (noting uniform): "Vampire Express. When it absolutely, positively has to be there without mortals knowing about it." [beat] Why didn't you come through the skylight, like you normally do? McBRIDIE: Well, I would have come in that way, but you *still* haven't fixed it. ROGERS (nods): That's a problem. Handyman Schanke was lunch... last week? two weeks ago? last season? I can't remember any more... McBRIDIE: Well, here's your delivery. ROGERS opens the body bag to reveal a good-looking mortal... the Neck of the Week (NoW). The NoW should be played by a break-apart store-window mannequin. ROGERS: Ahh, my "Neck of the Week Club" selection. [examines the NoW, finds two prominent fang marks] Hey, there are fang marks on this neck! McBRIDIE: Quality control. We have to make sure the merchandise is fresh. ROGERS checks quality for himself: finishes draining the NoW, leaves the body on the floor for now. ROGERS: S/he was fresh... but she was down a couple of quarts. I ordered *four* quarts [counting on his fingers] -- one, two, three, four -- not *two* -- one, two. McBRIDIE: Well, you'll have to take that up with the "Neck of the Week Club". That's not my department. By the way, that will be two for the delivery. ROGERS and McBRIDIE cross to refrigerator, where ROGERS removes and hands to McBRIDIE one wine bottle labeled "A+" and a second bottle labeled "B-", counting out "one" and "two", respectively. McBRIDIE drains them immediately. ROGERS then removes a third bottle, labeled C#, and hands it to McBRIDIE, who looks at it askance. McBRIDIE: "C sharp"? Cow? ROGERS: That "B" was a little flat. McBRIDIE: [handing back full bottle of "C#"] Thank you, but I've got to be flying. Speedy Delivery! Speedy Delivery! McBRIDIE runs to window, jumps, about to take off, as an exit. SOUNDS of a person falling from the penthouse of a hi-rise apartment building are heard. ROGERS: [to AUDIENCE] I told him he needed to see sharp, or he'd be flat! ROGERS retrieves the NoW and feeds it piece by piece into the box labeled "Piranha". Sounds of piranha feeding and an automatic, kitchen-sink-based waste disposal unit are heard. ROGERS: Organic Waste Disposal unit -- the good kind. We must *all* do our part to keep the environment clean... and the mortals unaware of us. ROGERS turns to the VICTIM and plays with him/her. ROGERS: Well, how would you like to die today? Shall I just go for your neck and be done with you? Or should I [doing each as he ponders] tease you, tickle you, excite you, make you just *beg* for me to stick my fangs into you? ROGERS turns to the AUDIENCE, vamped out, then turns back to the VICTIM, fondling his/her face. The VICTIM struggles, then acquiesces, as the "whammy" takes effect. The sound of a *whoosh* of flight is superimposed over the sound of the "Mister Rogers'" trolley to the "Neighborhood of Make-Believe". ROGERS crosses to the model flying harness and sits down beside it. ROGERS: Guess what, victim? It's time for the "Neighborhood of Vamp-Believe." What shall we make believe today? As ROGERS describes the day's "Vamp-Believe", the lights dim to black (or a traveling screen crosses the stage to simulate a scene change). When the lights come up at the end of the monologue, ROGERS is seen as having finished draining the VICTIM. ROGERS: Yesterday, King Friday the LC'th ordered in a new batch of victims from "Necks of the Week", Henrietta Vampire-Bat helped Lady Janette DuCharme replace the chains in the Raven-go-Round, and Lady Natalie Lambert consulted Dr. Frog on a cure for vampirism for Prince Nicky Tuesday, who wishes he didn't have to go to hunting school. Maybe today, the victims have arrived, and King Friday has everyone meet them in the "Death Pit of Bimbos"... in the "D" room, for "Death Pit". Also, Doctor and Mrs. Frog are leaving the neighborhood. Now that their son, Tadpole, has been brought across by a carouche, they need to find a bigger pond for him to hunt in. Dr. Frog's practice is being taken over by Dr. Bill and Elsie Jean Platypus... Trolley music merges into FK music, and back to trolley music as the scene ends. ROGERS drops the VICTIM back in the chair, bites his wrist, and gives it to the VICTIM to drink. ROGERS: Well, what did you think of that? One of King Friday's new victims wants to be brought across! Daniel Stripe-a-Tiger's fangs are itching because he's just had his first type-F victim, and Dr. Bill and Elsie Jean are expecting an egg... ROGERS removes his wrist from the VICTIM's neck. ROGERS: That was good, wasn't it? ROGERS crosses to the refrigerator, pulls out two bottles, one marked "ABCDEFK Multivitamin", and the other marked "R". He pours some fluid from "R" into "Multi" and shakes the mixture vigorously. He replaces the rest of the bottle of "R" into the refrigerator. ROGERS: Remember, fledglings, to always dilute your Ribena before drinking it. And make sure you take your vitamins every night; they help you grow into a strong, powerful vampire. The VICTIM revives, vamped out. VICTIM: Where am I? What am I? ROGERS: My protege. VICTIM: Your slave. ROGERS: No, you are exactly like me, a vampire. I have just given you the greatest gift I can give someone. And it feels good, doesn't it? VICTIM: I feel hungry. Very hungry. I want some more blood! Cue music in the background... ROGERS feeds him/her the contents of the "Multi" bottle. The VICTIM now gains strength, and breaks his/her bonds. VICTIM: That was good! ROGERS begins singing, VICTIM joins in on the second verse. ROGERS: It's such a good feeling to know you're undead, It's such a welcome feeling, that bond in your head, And when you wake up by the moonlight, And think, "I'll drain twelve victims tonight!" It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling, The feeling you know you won't die. ROGERS and VICTIM do a short dance in the musical interlude, cross to the closet and the chest, where ROGERS trades his slippers and robe for his leathers and boots, and where the VICTIM chooses his/her new "vampy" wardrobe and hairdo. Then pick up the song again. ROGERS and VICTIM: It's such a good feeling you get when you fly, It's such a happy feeling, up there in the sky, And when the evening's hunting is done, You'll find you've had good blood and good fun, It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling, The feeling you know that... The music changes to the end music theme. ROGERS (singing): I'll be back when the evening's new, And I'll have more ideas for you, And you'll have victims you'll want to brag about, I will, too. ROGERS and VICTIM finish changing, the end music continues until it gets to the "Tomorrow" theme that was used as the end theme for "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" prior about 1974... In this version, though, "Tomorrow" is sung, as in the earlier shows, rather than just instrumental... ROGERS: Tomorrow, tomorrow, it soon will be tomorrow with a flight or two -- [counts on fingers] One, two! Tomorrow, tomorrow, we'll start the night tomorrow with a neck for you 'Til then, I hope you're feeling vampy 'Til then, I hope your night is -- campy! Tomorrow, tomorrow, it soon will be tomorrow and be our night, vamps' delight A very vampy tomorrow to you! ROGERS and VICTIM fly out window... Crashing glass is heard offstage... end music completes. END