Date: Tue, 11 Jun 1996 11:14:27 -0500 From: Robbi Egersdorf This is a Natalie story from a Nick-type point of view. It has some graphic violence and gets pretty steamy at times, hence the ADULT header. Thanks to Leslie Plummer for her encouragement and hard work in proofreading and beta reading my work Disclaimers: The FK characters and concept are not mine, I have only borrowed them, however this situation is my idea. No copyright infringements are intended. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. What Weight is Guilt? Part 1 Robbi Egersdorf ******************** The warm, thick blood ran down his throat. The taste of passion lay heavy on his tongue; passion and desire for him alone. It surged through his veins and exploded in his brain. All the wanting, all the longing he had felt for these many years came together and bled out in his blood, returning to her. He reveled in the touch and feel of her. He reveled in the intimate knowledge that flowed into him with each sip of her. They wrestled and writhed, feeling of each other's bodies. How he had missed her. How he had wanted her. -------------------- Nick jerked awake, the threads of his dream world still clinging and pulling at his senses. The sound repeated itself. This time Nick was able to identify the source. The metallic banging resounded. "Nick, are you awake? Come on, Nick. I know you're in there. I need to talk to you." It was Natalie and she had an air of urgency in her voice. He bolted from the bed and threw on his robe. Running down the stairs in his bare feet he yelled. "I'm coming. Give me a minute." The effort to dissuade her frantic pounding failed and it resounded in the large room. Sliding the door open, Nick was shocked at the sight that greeted him . He reached out and grabbed her as she threatened to topple forward. "Are you all right?" She shot him an irritated look. "Of course I'm not all right. I'll never be all right again." For the first time he noticed her hair was disheveled and her clothes were torn with blood staining them. She went straight to his kitchen and started going through his cupboards. "I know you've got a bottle around here somewhere. I need a drink in a bad way." Nick reached under the sink and brought out a bottle of Scotch that was three-quarters full. Natalie grabbed the bottle and a glass. After pouring herself a shot, she downed it in one gulp. She held her breath as the liquid burned a path down her throat to her stomach. She grimaced as it hit bottom. "This is good stuff." She held out the bottle and noted that it was some 200 years old. Nick grabbed her roughly and shook her. "What's going on?" She paused, looking at him as her expression darkened and tears rimmed her eyes. "I killed someone tonight." Abruptly, he turned her loose. She took the bottle and glass over to the sofa and sat. Followed her and sat down next to her, waiting until she was ready to tell her story. The warmth from the scotch was now spreading through her. She relaxed as it put up a haze that cushioned her from the pain and guilt. Natalie took a deep breath. "Well, I stayed at work for two more hours after you dropped by on your way home. I was trying to get the Morrison autopsy finished before I left. It seemed I was never going to finish. Pfeiffer offered to finish for me and I accepted." She put her hand up to her face. "God, if only I would have stayed and finished, but no. I was anxious to get home to feed Sydney and get some well deserved rest." She paused long enough to take another shot. There was something pleasant in the burning and she made a grimace when it hit bottom. Nick picked up the bottle and replaced it under the sink. "I think you've had enough." The sensation of warmth was magnified as the alcohol began to course through her veins. The edges of the guilt that she felt softened just a little more. Nick returned to his seat beside her. "Go on." "I was no more than two blocks from the Coroner's office, when out of nowhere this car pulled out in front of me. It was one of those compact cars. A Geo Metro, I think. Red." She stared steadfastly ahead, as if she her eyes were witnessing the some faraway event. Nick had her hand, holding it. He could sense her need for his support. "I slammed on my brakes, but it was too late." He watched the expression of horror as it played across her face. "There was an awful grinding and scraping of metal. I was lucky I had me seat belt on." She looked him in the eye, then down to her lap in embarrassment. Nick noticed the purple mark that ran from the left side of her neck and down. "The people in the other car weren't so lucky. A woman and small child. They were so broken." The tears overflowed her eyes and ran in rivulets down her cheeks. "I killed that baby and her mother . I killed them." She turned to him with all the regret and pain on her face. "Nick, I killed them." She leaned into him and made a heartwrenching cry. Nick knew all too well the feelings she was experiencing, the part he had taken in the ending of so many innocent lives, the potential he had taken from each and every one of them as he had taken their life's blood into him to sate his own selfish needs. The sobs wracked her body and he held her tightly, willing her pain into himself. Eventually the sobs slowed then subsided as her body relaxed and her breaths came slow and regular. Careful not to wake her, he disengaged himself from her and got a spare pillow and blanket from the hall closet. Gently he placed the pillow under her head. She had found some measure of peace in t he sleep that now claimed her. He brushed her hair out of her face then placed a tender, lingering kiss on her forehead. After covering her with the blanket, he stood and looked down on her. "You're going to have to work through this one yourself, Nat. I can't do it for you." He left her there and got ready for work. *************** She woke to total silence and darkness. She tried waiting for her eyes to adjust, but there was no light at all. She didn't remember where she was . Getting up, she stumbled over what felt like a chair. She sat on the floor trying to remember. Her head hurt and her eyes felt gritty and swollen. It dawned on her that she was at the loft and Nick must have left for work. She was supposed to be at work herself. The phone rang and she made her way back to the couch and found the phone by sound alone. "Hello." "Natalie? This is Nick. You're awake." "Yeah, I'm awake and sitting here in total darkness." "Oh. I forgot to leave a light on for you. Sit tight and I'll be there in a few minutes." She heard a click, then a dial tone. Waiting for Nick to return, she sat in the darkness that was so thick, it pressed in on her, threatening to suffocate her. She clutched the pillow in her arms for comfort. Subtlely the darkness began to take on menacing shapes. There, a tiger with sharp teeth, ready to pounce. There, eyes that glowed, staring at her and contemplating her as a next meal. There, a shapeless blob that undulated closer and closer, waiting for the opportunity to engulf her. She heard the door slide open and let out a shrill scream before the lights clicked on. Frightened, she ran to Nick's arms and clung for protection. "I don't know what's come over me. My imagination just is running away with me." "With everything that you've been through lately, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Oh, I called and told them you wouldn't be in to work tonight. I can get the rest of the night off to stay with you if you like." She knew she shouldn't let him, she knew she would be all right in her mind, but her heart just wouldn't let him go. She nodded her head yes. "Stay." "Just let me make a phone call and I'll be right back." She walked over and sat at the table while he phoned the precinct to tell them he wouldn't be back. What did she ever do to deserve such a good friend? After getting off the phone he went to the fridge and pulled out the single bottle of crimson liquid that was there. He pulled a glass from the cupboard, set it in front of Natalie and poured it full. She shot him a questioning gaze. "You left it here the other day." She looked back to the glass and knew what was in it, cow's blood. She could feel the hunger in her react to the thought. Reaching for the goblet, she took a sip. The taste wasn't too bad. Rather sweet at first, but the aftertaste was quite distasteful. It kind of reminded her of the slaughterhouse she had visited early in her training. Once she started, was no stopping until the glass was drained. She held it out for more and Nick obliged. As she savored the contents of the second glass, she puzzled. Why was she drinking blood and liking it? "I'm confused. Why cow blood?" It was Nick's turn to be puzzled. "That's what you chose over human blood. Don't you remember? You swore off human blood and killing over a hundred years ago." Her eyes grew wide with surprise and she stopped mid-swallow. "A hundred year?" "Is there something wrong Nat? Did you hit your head?" She was more confused than ever. "Maybe I did hit my head. I can't quite remember. Tell me about myself." "Well. You're Natalie Lambert, medical examiner and vampire." "Vampire?" "You really don't remember, do you?" "How did we meet?" Five years ago, you were brought into the morgue after trying to stop a robbery. You had been hit by a car and were horribly mangled. I went to see what Pfeiffer had to say. You know, info in a homicide case. I was there and he was busy. I saw a movement from the body bag and went over. After unzipping it, I was shocked when you jumped up and off the autopsy table. I was fascinated by the prospect of a creature that could live through that kind of trauma and show no adverse effects. You tried to hypnotize me into forgetting you, but I just wouldn't forget. You said I was a resistor. Ever since that time, we've been working together to restore your mortality. Does that answer your question?" "No. I have a few more. You're mortal, right?" "Yeah." He was very puzzled by this question and it showed on his face . He held up a bandaged thumb and stripped off the dressing to reveal a rather nasty cut. Natalie's mouth fell open in amazement. "Just how old am I?" "767 years old." A dark haze insinuated itself on her consciousness and then there was nothing. end part 1 What Weight, Guilt? Robbi Knightie Long Live the Knight egersdor@magiclink.com What Weight is Guilt? Part 2 By Robbi Egersdorf ******************** When she came to, she was once again lying on the couch. Nick was watching her from the nearby chair eating an apple. "Nick! You're eating." She sat up quickly, her head began to throb and the room to swim. She put her hands to the sides of her head, but it wouldn't stop. Slowly, with time and a few deep breaths her head cleared. His words came back to her. "You're a vampire. 767 years old." This couldn't be. It had to be some sick joke. Why would Nick do something so cruel? The only answer she could come up with was *he wouldn't*. "Quick, how old are you?" "I was born in 1958." No, this couldn't be. She squeezed her eyes shut and searched her memories. She could remember seeing the Renaissance, the Civil war, WW I and II. The memories that came were so vivid, they had to be real. "Oh my God, I forgot to feed Sydney. I've got to go." Nick stood and pushed her back onto the couch. "I've already called him and he's on his way. I told him what happened and he thought he better see you." Just then there was a quiet rush of air and she felt a tingling at the edges of her senses. She whirled around and saw a dignified man with salt and pepper hair. He was wearing a gray suit. The lapels and shirt where white. He stood there, holding a bottle. His face was familiar, yet not. "I know what your problem is, Natasha. Too much cow." His voice was deep and smooth with a hint of a purr at the end of his words. "You need some of my best stock right away, to get you straightened out. It's human, of course." Confused, Natalie looked to Nick and then back to Sydney. He walked to the table, picked up the glass that still contained cow blood. Sniffing the contents of the goblet, he grimaced with obvious distaste. "You drink this and then wonder why you're so confused." he went to the sink and poured out the remainder and rinsed the goblet. Popping the cork on the bottle, he poured it full and handed it to Natalie. She hesitated, not sure what to do next. She sniffed the red liquid. The bouquet was the most exquisite that she had ever smelled. It spoke of the promise of Spring and rebirth. She had to have it. Watching for the look on Nick's face, she took a sip. Savouring, she rolled it around her mouth. There was the taste of life in the liquid. There was love and Sunshine, there was hope and fear. She swallowed it and it infused her senses and coursed through her veins. She was both thrilled and repelled by it at the same instant. Nick turned his back to her as she took a second, larger drink. It was as if she were starved. Natalie felt she had no choice. She craved it, ached for it. When the full realization of her actions hit her she thrust the goblet at Sydney. "Take it away." "If you say so. There is nothing wrong with it. We do it for survival. Nicholas, if she doesn't accept this from me, I can't help her. I'm wasting my time here." There was gentle swish of the air and he was gone. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called him. I just didn't know what else to do. You've been acting so strangely." Concern showed in his face as he approached her. "Sydney is a cat not a vampire. This isn't real. I've got to get out of here." She stood and started for the door. He stopped her. "That wouldn't be wise. There isn't enough time to get to shelter before the sun comes up. You're stuck here for the day." She knew he was telling the truth. She could sense deep within her that the Sun would be rising soon. "I'll go by your place and get you a change of clothes. Give me your keys." She nodded and handed him her keys. Nick would be out in the daylight and he wasn't even concerned. She was beginning to question her concept of reality. This was not her reality, yet it was real. Alone again at the loft, she decided to take advantage of it. Opening the refrigerator, she found food -- milk, meat, and eggs. The cupboard contained flour, cereal, spices. She went to the mantle over the fireplace. The beautifully carved, oak piece with the dragon swooping down from it was replaced by a contemporary black brick affair. The sculpture over the kitchen stove was of a crescent Moon, not of the Sun. Nowhere were the characteristic paintings of the Sun that had always been so prevalent in Nick's decor. The painting over the fridge was no longer a silent scream, but that of a tranquil mountain lake scene. The piano was still there. It drew her. She sat. Tentatively, she placed her hands on the keys. They began to play of their own volition, a moving piece she had once heard Nick play. the music carried her along on the wings of the notes. "I have always loved to hear you play." Startled, she pulled her hands from the keys. "I know, I should have asked first..." "Why? It's your's. You just keep it here because you don't have room in your apartment. You really have *lost* it." He handed her the bag he had packed for her. "Feel free to use the shower. There are clean towels in the closet." "Thanks." Nick followed her with a worried look in his eye as she headed for the bathroom. She closed the door in his face. Natalie stripped off her clothes and stepped into the warm stream of water. It beat down on her, soothing her tense, tired muscles. Reaching for the soap, she lathered and scrubbed and scrubbed. She couldn't get the blood off. It clung to her, tenaciously. No matter how much soap and water she used, she could not get clean. The sound of twisting steel startled her. It replayed as loud and as clear as the first time. The red car came closer and closer and she could not stop it. She saw the startled, frightened face of the woman and the baby as it flew across the car to meet with the glass with a sickening thud. The glass shattered and sprayed her with innocent blood. She scrubbed at the blood and, still it would not come off. "NO! NO!" She screamed in horror. Nick rushed into the bathroom and pulled her from the shower. Grabbing the towel she had laid out for herself, he wrapped her in it and held her as sobs wracked her body. She shivered in his arms. The depth of sorrow that came up with the sobs pierced Nick's heart. Eventually the torrent calmed and he started to let her go. "No. Don't leave. I don't want to be alone." He gathered her up in his strong arms and carried her to the couch. She clung to him as they sat there with little more than a towel between them. Her hair was a wet, tangled mess and had started to dry. She looked beautiful to him anyway. A warmth spread through him to his loins as he realized how close and how naked she was. He had wanted her since the first time they had met. He had been smitten by her ravishing beauty and her raw savagery. He tipped her chin up to him and place a tender kiss on her cool, mauve lips. He lingered there until she returned his passion. The sensations that flooded her were strange and new. It was as if her whole nervous system had been rewired. When she became aroused, the usual sense of blood infusing her groin was far overshadowed by the ache and increase of sensation in her cheeks above her canines. The intensity thrilled her. She was being pulled along by an immutable force beyond her control. She rose up over him, letting the towel fall free of her. Straddling his lap, she pulled his jacket down from his shoulders and he shook free of it. Their lips remained locked in a passionate kiss. His tongue ran in and out of her mouth, inflaming her. The logic disengaged and animal instinct took over. She could feel her fangs descend and a transformation occurring in her eyes. Their sight became more acute, more predatory. She slowly unbuttoned his white, linen shirt and ran her hand across his bare chest, leaving gooseflesh. He moaned with pleasure at her touch. Pulling it free, she pushing his shirt down from his shoulders. She traced kisses down the side of his neck, where she lingered, an undeniable need grew in the depths of her. She longed to empty him into her, to have his life within her, surging through her veins. A growl escaped her lips as she focused her being on the pulse that whispered to her. His blood flowed just below the surface with only the need to puncture the skin to liberate it. His steady, quickening heartbeat resounded in her ears. She wanted him, all of him. She wanted to experience the thrill, the rush of it all. He was so close and so alive. It was within her power. She drew back her head and was about to sink her teeth into his flesh when reason once again insinuated itself on her mind. The vision of her beloved Nick lying dead in her arms shocked and haunted her. She screamed as the realization of what she was about to do hit her full force in the chest. A stricken look plagued her face. The fangs were gone and the gold fused to brown. Nick came to his senses and looked at her sitting naked on him. The blood rose to his cheeks. Natalie looked down at herself and saw her nakedness, grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her. "Do you realize I could have... we never should have done this." Shame began to fill her. How could she have put someone she loved in danger like that. The drive was so strong, almost too strong. She reached over and touched his cheek, then ran for the bathroom to dress herself. She stopped at the kitchen long enough to grab the bottle that still sat open on the counter. After closing the bathroom door behind her, she leaned up against it and drained the last of the contents. It was not what she hungered for, but it served to dull the edges. end part 2 What Weight, Guilt? Robbi Knightie With Dark Tendencies Long Live the Knight egersdor@magiclink.com The first part of this came out under the ADULT header. If you Need me to send this to you, e-mail me privately. This part is about a PG-13 rating. Disclaimers: The Forever Knight characters and concept are not mine, I have just borrowed them with no infringement of copyrights intended. This situation is mine. What Weight, Guilt? Part 3 By Robbi Egersdorf ******************** The time was spent in an embraced silence until Nick returned for the day. She slept on the black naugahyde couch that sat in the main room of the loft. He had offered her his bed, but she had refused. "The couch will be good enough." She had said. Her sleep was fitfull. She had tossed and turned the whole night. Each time she moved, the couch had protested with a deep rubbing sound that disturbed her rest. When she could sleep, she dreamt of the careless way in which she had killed in her past. Lovers, friends, enemies, strangers -- all had been equal in her eyes -- a meal to sate her constant hunger for blood, an opportunity to feel life, to drain them into herself, and make them a part of her. She was both repelled and entranced by the casual way she looked upon death. Finally, her dreams turned to the present and the accident played out. Again she saw the sweet, innocent small child hurled against and through the glass. The baby had been thrown through the window to take her chances, unprotected in the mayhem of twisting metal. The mother's face had been cut and bleeding, her dead eyes staring at Natalie. She could read the accusation there. "You have taken everything from me." She could hear echoing in her mind as if the woman stood over her speaking those very words. She felt the world was going by much too fast. The pounding in her head made it much too hard to keep up or even to understand which direction to go. She ran and ran and still she could not keep up. She ran and still they left her behind. She awoke to her voice screaming in horror. It was dark, then the lights were on and Nick was there with her, calming her, his warm presence so near and real. He stroked her hair and held her. After calming herself, she spoke with all the pain and despair that inhabited her soul. "Sometimes, what I really feel is that I'm a monster with just enough manners to masquerade as human, to fool the innocent and the unwary. I'm only pretending to be civilized." She lay her head on his chest. "For what I've done, I should die, but my cursed heart continues to beat in my breast. Many have died for much less. For the innocent, the only guilt was that they were born and drew breath on this earth." The colors and details came to her so much sharper, the sensations so surreal. Nick took her chin in his hand and brought her up to look into his eyes. "I never felt like you were a monster. I've known what you were from the beginning" She shook her head. "Why must I go on living while the innocent die? I can't bear this awful pain, this awful guilt. How can I live with myself? How can I accept it? I am cursed. The stench of my existence fouls the very air around me. They die and I continue. They cease and I feed from their misery. They exist no more and I am left here to feel their loss and to continue in my depravity." She could look in his eyes no more and turned away. "To end my suffering would be a blessing." She allowed the silence to settle about them before she went on. "Yet I am a coward, so I go on, my very existence flies in the face of reason." "Don't talk like that." There was urgency and fear in his voice, fear for her, fear of loosing her. "You are working so hard to make up for all those deaths. We are working to regain your mortality." "Maybe Sydney is right. I'm helpless to rid myself of this, helpless to shake free. It covers me, smothering any light that might have found a place in me. I ... will ... live and the memory will be with me forever. It will never give me rest, never allow happiness, never give comfort." She looked back to Nicholas from the depths of her sorrow. "They will all see my guilt. They will all see my filth. My life is just a charade which covers the moldering decay that is the real me." She threw back her head and begged to the sky with the agony that raged in her breast, "Death claim me and put me to rest." She could feel Nick shiver under her. Once again, she looked on his kind, sympathetic face and searched it for the comfort that she craved. She could see the pain she was causing him well written there. "I can stand this no more. I never knew." Her sobbing overtook and gratefully silenced her lamentation. The words that she spoke pulled at the very base of his love for her. His heart ached at her pain and he wished that he could take this from her, but he could not. This was hers alone to bear. He would be there and listen, but no more. ******************** Her superiors had tried to discourage her from coming to work. She felt she needed to get right back to it before she lost her nerve. Her world had turned upside down in the last two days, and the one thing she could depend upon staying the same was her job. She could go there into a familiar setting and perform tasks she had repeated many times in the past. She was hoping it would give her some sort of normalcy back to her life. Natalie walked into the building. It was the same, familiar structure she was used to. On the way to her workroom, Grace greeted her. At least she was the same. "How are you doing, Natalie? I heard about yesterday." "I'll survive..." The rest of the statement came to mind, but remained unspoken, . It was almost too much for her to hold her composure. Tears and emotions rushed to the surface when she offered a listening ear and sympathetic shoulder. Natalie was determined not to play the weak survivor of a tragic experience. Instead of lingering, she walked by her old friend and entered her office. She went straight to the cooler and opened the door. Grace rushed in as she stepped into it's interior. "Natalie, don't go in..." Her voice trailed off with the realization that it w as too late. Two gurneys lay before her, sitting side-by-side. One held what was obviously an adult; the other small, as for a child. Stunned by what she was seeing. She stood staring, unable to move a single muscle. The still, small form called out to her and she was unable to resist it's pull. Slowly she walked over to the table and reached down to pull back the sheet. "Don't!" Grace's voice reached her conciousness. The shout pulled her attention for an instant, then Natalie looked back to the ghostly forms which lay before her. All of her senses cried out to "leave this place", but she could not. Deliberately she pulled back the colorless drape and beheld that cherubic face of her nightmares, battered and bruised to the point it was unrecognizable. She wanted to scream, she tried to scream. No sound issued from her open mouth. She turned a stricken look on Grace and ran from the room. The other woman attempted to catch up with her to try and calm her, but was too slow. By the time she reached the parking lot, Dr. Lambert's car was long gone. "I hope she'll be okay," she voiced to herself and then returned to the warm interior of the Coroner's building. Worried for her friend's well being, she called Nick and told him what had happened. "Thanks, Grace. I'll go see if I can find her." There was a click, then a dial tone. He hung up the phone. Looking over to his partner who was sitting at the desk across from him. "Trace, Natalie needs me. She's having a hard time with this accident. I've got to go." She nodded her head then went back to what she had been doing. It was a slow night and they had been taking advantage of the down time by catching up on their paperwork. end part 3 Robbi Knightie With Dark Tendencies Long Live the Knight egersdor@magiclink.com If you are missing any parts of this or any other story that I have written, feel free to e-mail me privately for them. Disclaimers: The Forever Knight characters and concept are not mine and no copyright infringment is intended. This situation is total mine. Comment welcome to egersdor@magiclink.com What Weight, Guilt? Part 4 By Robbi Egersdorf ******************** She was so distraught she ran from the sight, getting into her car she left, wanting that place and its awful contents far behind. She was not consciously aware of her destination nor did she care. Her body took over and drove. She drove up in front of the Raven. Puzzled why she had brought herself here, she entered the club. The din of music and the crowd could be heard outside, on the street. It was magnified upon her entrance. The music was familiar, yet she didn't recall ever hearing it before. There was something dark and mesmerizing about it; something soothing in the beat and words of the music. She half expected to see Lacroix sitting at the bar. He was nowhere in sight and she realized he had never been here before. She knew her master was the owner and proprietor of this establishment, that was what had led her here. The hope of answers from Sydney. He stood at the bar where Lacroix should have been. There was something feline and dangerous in his graceful, languid movements and bearing. She walked up behind him and he raised his glass as if to sip from it. "You've come back to me, Natasha." He turned to see his errant child. "For you're a jolly good fellow." Then he drank from the deep red contents of the goblet. Natalie was taken aback as her numb mind registered the full weight of his words. She wanted to reply to this, to acknowledge the phrase, but could not. "I'm sorry, my dear. What do you want me to say? 'I'm sorry?' I've seen you kill repeatedly and purposefully, reveling in the pleasure of it. You sit in your cozy little sterile room, dissecting the bodies of the mortals that are dearly loved and mourned by other mortals. Now you want me to be sympathetic because you *accidentally* kill two of them. It wasn't your fault. The baggage of guilt that you carry around can only be harmful for you. I've told you this before." Natalie could not reply. She just stood there, speechless. The full effect of the scene bombarded her senses. It was too much for her to take in all at once and her head began to spin. Nick walked up behind her and caught her arm as she began to waver on her feet. "I thought I'd find you here. Let's leave this place." He pulled her towards the door. She looked back at Sydney one more time as she heard snatches of his laughter over the crowd and the music. They left the darkened interior of the Raven and went back out into the night. "I'm not letting you out of my sight again." He turned to her and she was gone. Helpless to follow her or even know where she had gone, he went back to the station and to work. ******************** The darkness, her ever constant companion, accompanied her on her flight. It was insufferable and interminable. The darkness of the night was the darkness of her soul. She had not planned a destination, she just flew where her will took her. She did not recall ever flying before, nor did she know the 'how' of it. She just willed herself into the air through the instinct of sure knowledge that she could fly. Landing on the shore of the lake, she stood staring out over the water. The aching coldness that swept through her very soul, was there within her wherever she went. She would never be able to run from it. She could not wash it off. It was not afraid of flight. No one could take this burden from her. It was hers alone to bear and would be with her to the end of her days. The darkness enveloped her, threatening to obliterate her. She had to find companionship. She needed someone to whom she could explain herself. She needed someone who would understand her deep despair and not scoff. The loneliness alone could drive her insane. She went by the precinct and Nick was out on a homicide call. She left him a note on his desk saying she would be at his place. She waited at the loft as the darkness ruled the night. Nick would come, she assured herself. He would know how to help her. He would know what she was going through. She sat waiting and there was no end to the darkness. She looked on as the creatures which had inhabited her wildest dreams and most fearsome nightmares threatened to take shape in the haze. The sounds of the night drifted into her, a far away engine, maybe a siren, screeching tires. They sounded in their turn, then faded in their time. Finally she heard the sliding door of the lift and the engine engage as the elevator brought her savior back to her. The lights came on and he rushed over to her. "Are you all right? I've been so worried." She made no effort to reply to his question. "There was a murder in the park, about three hours ago. A transient who had been drained of blood. You had enough time after you left me. Oh, Nat... please tell me you didn't have anything to do with it." "I had nothing to do with it. I went to the lake to think and to clear my head." "Did it help?" "No. I still feel like I'm running, like I'm heading for a brick wall at full speed and am helpless to stop myself." The last was spoken in a barely audible whisper that held all of her despair within it. "I am weary and need to step back from this to see it more clearly, but I don't know how. I don't even know if I can." He held her while her tears flowed, red blood tears of pain and hopelessness. end of part 4 What Weight, Guilt? Robbi Knightie With Dark Tendencies Long Live the Knight egersdor@magiclink.com Disclaimers: The Forever Knight characters and concept are not mine and no copyright infringement are intended. This situation is mine. Keep sending the comments. I love it. egersdor@magiclink.com What Weight, Guilt? Part 5 By Robbi Egersdorf ******************** She awoke once again, lying on the sofa at Nick's loft in the pitch black darkness. "When will this end!" She shouted aloud, needing an answer, willing it from the ebony abyss that surrounded her. There was no foothold of focus for her vision. The darkness remained absolute. "He's done it again, left me in the dark. I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. Why couldn't he have left a light on?" Her voice echoed hollowly back to her. The turmoil in her head was difficult to deal with alone and it was compounded by the velvet blackness that engulfed her. The anger held the fear at bay for a short time. If she had truly been a vampire for nearly 800 years, why did this darkness trouble her so? In all that time she should have become intimately aquainted with the night in all it's facets. She looked about her for something to assuage her fears, something to comfort her, something familiar about this whole thing. There was nothing. A blank void was all that registered in her brain as the hysteria began to take hold on her. She made another feeble attempt to choke down her fear, but it returned with ever increasing fury. "Nick!" She screamed. "Nick, where are you?" The urgency pressed on her, stealing away her sensibility, stealing away her rationality. She got up from the couch and stumbled about, tripping over different objects her frantic mind could not identify. She stumbled and fell repeatedly as the panic rose in her breast. As suddenly as it had begun, there was an end. She sat on the floor bruised and hurting, no longer trying to get up or move. Taking a slow deep breath, she attempted to consciously rid herself of the anxiety that had taken such a cruel hold of her. "Take it easy, Natalie. There's nothing to be afraid of." The sound of her own voice brought her a foothold for her sanity. Slowly, she calmed down and was able to take control of herself. Now that she could think clearly again, a new stimulus came to her. It seemed as though there was something in the room with her. She could sense it's movements. Slowly a form appeared in the shadows, the dark form of a walking man. His pace was a brisk one and the man looked about nervously. She felt the hunger rise in her, demanding to be fed and knew that this lone figure had been instinctively chosen as prey. Her cheeks ached and she felt the elongation of her incisors. The heightened sense of awareness, of sight, of sound, only proved to spur her on. She wanted to control it. She tried to control it, but was helpless to change anything in the chain of events that followed. It was as if she were a spectator as she felt herself go through the Act. Focusing on the steady heartbeat, she slowly moved in, capturing the attention of the victim. At first he was startled, then his eyes lost their focus and took on a blank stare. She slowly approached him and after pulling his head to the side to give greater access to her target, she plunged her fangs deep into his neck, until she could feel a sudden spray of warm thick liquid. In all her life she had never tasted anything as exquisite. While she drank in his life, she could detect the slowing of the heartbeat. His life filled her, sating her hunger. When she knew the beating had ceased in her ears, all the empty aching places in her were now filled. The warmth of the newly ingested blood radiated out through her body giving her pleasure that knew no bounds. It coursed through her and left such an ecstasy that she had never experienced before. She had never felt as alive as she did at that moment. As her attention went to the still corpse at her feet, her brain seized with the realization that she'd taken yet another life. Quickly the pleasure evaporated, leaving behind only regret and pain. The guilt pricked her deeply. ******************** Slowly and inexorably another sight gripped her. The body faded, forgotten as she stood captive witness to the same scene that had played out before her numerous times this night. Why couldn't she stop it? Why couldn't she control it? In slow motion, the two cars before her met violently and the passengers were thrown about mercilessly. Soft, tender flesh met cold hard steel and sharp shards of glass. The whole scene became awash with blood that flowed out in rivers of death. She melted into a hysterical creature, huddled on the floor, in an effort to screen out the horror. She mourned so loudly that she didn't hear the elevator stop nor the door slide open. She did, however notice when the lights came on. It took Nick a moment to make sense of what he was seeing. He rushed to Natalie and scooped her up in his arms. He swayed back and forth in an effort to calm her. He had left the apartment with the shades down and the lights all off. It hadn't even occurred to him to leave a light on for her. He sat her at the kitchen table and got her a glass of water. She watched Nick go to the fridge and pour himself a glass of deep red liquid and begin to sip. The realization began to seep into her mind that what she had been experiencing that night was an alcohol-induced, hysteria- generated hallucination. She had never been a vampire consigned to the darkness. She now possessed some sliver of understanding in her mind as to the sort of life Nick faced daily in his search for his humanity and mortality. If there was anyone in this world who was able to help her through her grief, it would be him. "How do you live with the guilt of all those you've killed?" This subject had taken a prominent place in his life of the past 100 years or so, and he had given it a great deal of thought "Well, Nat, it's not an easy thing to do. You just have to take it one day at a time." She sipped the water and thought about what had happened and what Nick had said. She began to understand that what her mind had said to her earlier as she stood by and watched with horror was that she could not have prevented the accident. It wasn't her fault. She had said it often enough to Nick when he started pitying himself, but had failed to apply the same consideration to herself. Nick came over to the table and sat down close to her. He could smell her scent and it was full of fear. Taking her chin in his hand and looking deeply into her sad eyes, he said, "You'll be all right." Then he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead and held her close. She pulled back from him to see his face, to bath in the caring and concern that was there for her. "I know. It's just the getting there that's hard." End Robbi Knightie Long Live the Knight egersdor@magiclink.com