Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 20:06:22 EDT From: Deanie Nelder Subject: The Only One (1/1) To: FKFIC-L@LISTS.PSU.EDU Disclaimer: Nick and Natalie don't belong to me. They belong to Parriott and Cohen and the other TPTB. "You're The Only One for Me" is sung by Allure off the "Runaway Bride" soundtrack. Author's Notes: Many, many thanks to my beta-readers Karen and Colleen. You improved my story so much. Permission is given to archive this at the FKfanfic site, the FTP site, the KoC site, and the Mortal Love site (if they want it)... ** indicates song lyrics You're The Only One For Me by Deanie written September 1999 **I've gotten close so many times Trying to fit in, I don't know why I had to leave behind the dream that could be mine** In my centuries-long life, I've known a lot of women. I've even loved some, and been loved in return. But most of this life has been spent in a masquerade, making futile attempts to fit into a human world I could never truly be a part of. And as such, with every mortal endeavor, I failed. Like with Alyssa... I fell in love, and in my mortal pretense sought to unite with her in marriage. Only our wedding bed became her deathbed; my love the instrument of her death. I had abandoned all hope of finding that mythological once-in-a-lifetime love, that which motivated the troubadours to sing and inspired medieval tales of courtly romance. Even if such an emotion existed, creatures such as I were never meant to have that connection to another. I was destined to walk this endless night alone. **I thought that I would never find Someone whose heart could read my mind Now I don't have to hide Because you are in my life** Until the day I met Natalie. Until one day I was caught in an explosion, and awakened on a slab in the morgue. When I felt a gentle touch on my cheek and heard tenderness in a sweetly melodic voice. Women tended to experience one of two reactions upon seeing the beast within me: either their terror would not let them face the truth or they longed for a seductive dance with death. But Natalie somehow breached the divide, regarding me with a combination of the fear and fascination. She was clearly apprehensive yet didn't run screaming in terror. She wasn't simply attracted to the wildness; instead, she was intrigued by something she had never seen before. At the time of that first meeting, I never dreamed that after all these years, she'd still be here beside me. Our relationship has been through the joy and laughter, setbacks and frustrations, rage and pain. She's seen me at my most bestial, vampire barely controlled; she's seen me at my most human, craving affection so long denied. I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes. I'm stubborn, guilty, angst-ridden and oblivious to her feelings -- and that's just my human side. Add to that my murderous fiend that I daily struggle to control, and it's a wonder she hasn't run long before now. But with her, I can be something I haven't been in nearly eight hundred years -- myself. As much of myself as I am able to be around a mortal -- both man and vampire. She doesn't cringe away from the darkness within me, but embraces the opportunity to further understand my life and my condition. True, she cannot completely comprehend the vampire, but she tries. She tries to understand both man and beast; and with her I have a freedom I've never felt before. **I promise you that love won't be easy I promise you there'll be times apart But I swear that it comes from my heart When I promise you're the only one for me** She is the only woman I have ever truly loved -- with a love that goes beyond friendship, beyond passion. This kind of love makes me believe I still have a soul, because such intense emotions could only come from its depths. But what can I do about this love? The right thing to do would be to let Natalie go, leave her free to love someone else. She deserves someone she can build a real life with -- create a family, have children of her own. What right do I have to deny her these mortal pleasures that I long for myself? What could I give her that could make up for the difficulties in a human/vampire relationship? Could my love possibly be enough to sustain her through the trials ahead? I don't even know if we would ever be able to consummate our love. Even now, I fear being unable to control the beast. Just a whiff of her perfume, the touch of her hand on mine can inflame my senses to the edge of my control. With the fervor of true passion how could I ever hope to control the bloodlust? What kind of future can we have? **Sometimes I know it's hard for you Wondering if we'll make it through But if you gave me time I'll show you that you're mine I'll promise you** I know she's had her doubts about our 'relationship.' Too many times I've left her wondering if her love is reciprocated. It is, more than she knows. I've endeavored to deny my feelings, but they're too strong. I can't hide behind this platonic facade any longer. If I were going to do the right thing, I would be leaving Toronto now. Leaving Natalie alone to live a normal human life. But I could no more abandon my ladylove than I could pierce my own heart with a wooden stake. Without her, life is meaningless. I might as well walk into the dawn. Crazy as it may seem, the only thing to do now is love her, to show her that she possesses my heart and soul. She is the sun in my endless night, the shining beacon calling me home -- the one I could never live without. **You showed me who I am I know you understand You taught me how to trust, not be afraid of love I'm not afraid to look in your eyes I surrender to love, I open up and let you inside I promise** She has brought changes in my life, made me experience feelings that had been long forgotten. With her by my side, I have faith. Faith in her and in our love; even faith in myself. I have been able to share myself with her in a way I never dreamed could be possible. In opening my heart to her scrutiny, I opened my heart to her love. In learning to love her I have begun to accept who I am. Despite the atrocities I have perpetrated, there is good within me. The vampire makes giving into the darkness so effortless, but I have the power to fight. My struggle will never be easy, but it is not as futile as I had once thought. With her by my side, anything is possible. With a velvet-covered box in my pocket, I try to suppress my nerves as I go to admit my love to the woman who brings joy to my existence. **I promise you that love won't be easy I promise you there'll be times apart But I swear that it comes from my heart When I promise you're the only one for me** This started out as an attempt at fluff...and ended up with brooding. Despite my best attempts, I have yet to write a fanfic story without brooding. On the up side, I'm good at writing brooding . Feedback, please. It's better than chocolate. To DeanieBTVS@aol.com. Because of the severe technical difficulties I had with my first story, I'm cringing at the thought of posting this, because if this drops on fkfic-l with the evil =20s (like my multiply-reposted last story) I think I will scream.